Hi, my name is Senna, and I’m addicted to Instagram Horoscopes.
Welcome to Star Signs Anonymous, your drive-thru therapy.
I was casually scrolling through my Instagram feed like I do every day (okay fine, every hour), when I stumbled on a new post from @virgoteamm: “Virgo gets irritated if you try to force them to communicate. If they decide not to on a particular day, trust that it is for a good reason”.
I laughed out loud.
Spoiler alert: I’m a Virgo.
It’s funny, because this morning I got a ride to work while I was in a bad mood and almost ended up walking because my silence was annoying, but my biting sarcasm was worse. At this point, I prefer to just send screenshots of my horoscope in lieu of an apology, unless Mercury is in retrograde because then it’s just a free pass right?
There’s a definite comforting aspect when your date of birth explains away your little irksome quirks (say that ten times fast): I’m stressed, introverted, arrogant, sarcastic, horny, unemotional, a chronic overthinker, and a shopaholic. But it’s all on trend because these are the main characteristics of a Virgo.
(Side note: while writing this I rediscovered that Virgos are ruled by Mercury so my earlier retrograde comment was not just facetious but was instead an astoundingly apt excuse… I’d like to thank the Academy.)
As someone who was obsessed with analyzing and overthinking even before Instagram told me I was, finding out they're some of the traits most commonly associated with my star sign tickles my perfectionist tendencies. Of course, I am aware that all social media should be taken with a grain of salt- and that horoscopes are deeper, wiser, older and more spiritual than Instagram - but the hundred thousand subscribers to @virgoteamm relate to blurbs that more often than not coincide with a part of my daily life and therefore act as superficial group therapy. I think there’s comfort in knowing that the safety net for my insecurities is something broad, relatable, and can be projected onto anyone.
Imagine my excitement when I subsequently discovered, thanks to birth charts, that I could delve deeper into my astrological makeup and find out my ascending sign is Scorpio. It was definitely a weird awakening, because I hate Scorpios with a passion: my emotionally manipulative ex was one, and they have stereotypical tendencies to be arrogant, bad tempered, and aggressive. And he took pride in it.
To me, Virgo and Scorpio are polar opposites. So I’m essentially my own worst enemy? I knew it. I keep my friends close and myself even closer. So close, in fact, that I can’t tell myself apart.
You might be wondering why I didn’t mention any of the good qualities associated with being a Virgo or Scorpio and maybe chalk it up to standard Virgo pessimism, like I would. But these Instagram horoscopes are all just buzzwords. My overthinking, analytic brain really benefits from the free, easily consumable, psychological evaluations my horoscopes provide. The good things about me are not buzzwords, nor can they be summed up in relatable wordposts. The latter simply allow me to expose a tiny part of myself that I don't mind showing to others- and if that manifestation is facilitated by my date of birth, so be it. There’s also something cathartic in knowing that some important part of me (my sarcasm) is intertwined with the stars: represented by glow-in-the-dark unicorn stickers strategically placed in the shape of the Virgo constellation on my bedroom ceiling.
Do I spontaneously combust every time I accidentally ‘like’ a relatable horoscope before realizing it’s referring to another star sign?
Not yet, but that might just be because I’m an Earth sign.