Darkside of Fire

The first thing I think of is “how do I make mine stand out?” Can you guess what I am just from that?

There are actually a few signs that would start out like that. I’m no horoscope expert, but like many in the world, I find myself often curious on how accurate these things are. If it’s a bad trait, “That’s not me at all!” If it’s a good one, “Oh hell yeah, that’s totally me!” But just like the question for this prompt, how accurate is it really?

I’m very talkative. While my sign is also known for being chatty, I’m not the chattiest. It’s said that I talk a lot because I have to be the center of attention. Generally, while I almost can’t help just jabbering on and on, I’m actually very shy. I can talk forever, but only if I like you. I’ve been told I’m a lot like an Aquarius because of this. I’m creative, unique, forward-thinking, but I’m actually on the opposite side of the spectrum.

Leos are supposed to be these irresistibly wonderful, outgoing, conquer-the-world kind of people. They are passionate leaders and can make any project successful because they commit wholeheartedly to it. The only aspect of a Leo that really resonates with me is the fact that they are immeasurably loyal. Once you are in a Leo’s inner circle, they would do almost anything for you, and have your back no matter what. Even to the point of it being a fatal flaw. That’s how it is for Percy Jackson. Did you know he’s a Leo?

So while Leos are made out to be these strong, fearless, confident and beautiful creatures, I wonder if they really are. To say my sign represents me to my core would be an overstatement, but the better question to ask is: Do I relate to other people that are Leos? Oddly enough, the answer is yes.

Leos are often viewed as lions constantly grooming their manes so they look perfect while leading a whole pride of lionesses and making it look easy in the process. They are often referred to as “kings and queens”, because any other title is just not good enough. There’s a darker side to this though. More Leos than I expected share these traits with me.

**Warning, I am in no way saying this is how all Leos are. I do know a few though and if most were in my boat with me, I used “we” terms to describe Leos, because for me that’s true. I am aware I don’t know every Leo in the world, and I’m not attempting to represent them all in any way. Also, I understand there are Moon signs and Rising signs. This fact will not be included in my speculations. With that said, carry on.**

We brag because we’re insecure.

It’s not that we don’t think we’re awesome, it’s that we think we’re only awesome when we’re not standing right next to someone else. At least for me and the Leos like me, we often question every little thing. Is it good? Does it deserve the praise of others? Am I over playing it? Is it too much? Is it not enough? This can be a huge source of anxiety, but we hide it because “surely no one else is obsessing this much. So why am I?” The response is to brag. We know when something is inarguably good. It’s not the whole thing, but this one part I did is amazing, and that makes the whole thing worth it.

Inner voice: Right? Right? I can’t be the only one that thinks this.

This means we have a huge fear of being rejected. Mostly because, we knew it was imperfect. Damn it for everyone else seeing it too.

It’s not about being the center of attention, it’s about actively being accepted.

I hear a lot that “I always have to be center stage” or “Why do you always need the limelight?” It doesn’t come down to needing to be the best, or the brightest, or the smartest. We’re competitive, sure, but having all the attention in the world is not our goal. In fact, there are a lot of introverted Leos out there. And Leos are supposed to be extroverts! I’m rolling my eyes.

We talk because we want to feel like we’re smart enough to be listened to. We put our best foot forward because we want to know we’re good enough. We don’t try to outshine others, we try our hardest to shine just as much, because to us they look so bright.

Inner thoughts: Can I be as amazing as you? Could I really achieve such greatness?

The whole world is on a pedestal, so our insecurity is huge. We have to be the best, and the brightest, and the smartest because otherwise, we’re just not good enough. So tell me I’m pretty. Tell me I’m smart. And know that while I believe you when you say it, in about two seconds I’ll look at anyone else and feel incompetent again. I don’t need your constant reassurance to fan my ego. I need it because otherwise, I fully believe I am nothing in comparison. Do all Leos feel that way? I don’t know. That’s why I switched to using “I”.

Being overly dramatic is a way to ignore the things that really bother us.

Is this pencil really all that important? Did I really care that there was only one piece of lead left and it didn’t make that ktch, ktch noise it used to make? No. But I’d rather yell at you about a pencil than about how scared I am that I’m short on rent this month. For my example, it wasn’t actually a pencil, but the point’s the same. Wasting time freaking out about the small things and making those small things much bigger than they actually are, is a way to avoid what we really want to say. I’m weak, I’m broke, I’m tired, I don’t want to do this and there’s no fucking way I’m going to be able to deal with it. So you know what I’m going to do? I’m going to take it out on this freaking pencil. Is it good to feed into that warped view of the world? Probably not, but it’s a lot less scary to deal with other things, especially since I’m basically proving that I’m not as good as everyone else. You know, those people on that pedestal? Yeah.

Inner turmoil: If I tell them, they can help me, but then I’m admitting I need help when they didn’t ask for help and that means I’m definitely not as good as everyone else and I’m lesser for being the one that needs help.

Some of this does stem from pride, but pride is another way of bragging. And we brag because we’re insecure. Full circle, woo.

This brings me to the next part:

We’re lazy because we’ve given up.

Passionate Leos put their best foot forward, try with all their might, scream out a war cry because they can. If all this effort doesn’t go near as far as it should’ve, why do it again? We’re smart enough to figure out that the definition of crazy is doing the same experiment over and over again, expecting different results. We don’t want the world to cater to us while we do nothing, we hope to deserve it. And if we don’t deserve it, why bother?

This might be what feeds into the whole “Leos have to be the kings and queens of their realm” attitude. It would be nice to be a king or a queen, not have to do anything, have the whole world settled at your feet because you are simply the most amazing thing since sliced bread. Tell me, person reading this: If you’re not a Leo and this sounds appealing at all, does that mean you’re actually a Leo? I think not.

So would it be nice? Yes. Do we expect it? Not if we don’t deserve it, and chances are, we don’t think we do. That’s why it makes us feel extra special when you do it anyway and lie to us and tell us we deserve it. Who wouldn’t want that reassurance when you’re so lacking?

The lie: Leos like expensive things.

I feel like I have to take offense to this. My non-Leo significant other likes to get new and, when we can afford it, expensive things. Me? I’m happy with my eight-year-old laptop, my nine-year-old tablet and my ten-year-old big screen TV. I’m also still on the Playstation 2 with no intentions of moving up to the newest console. You wanna know why? Because it’s expensive. And I’m not the only Leo like this. One of my Leo friends is even more frugal than me and we do not share the moon sign or ascending sign or whatever those are.

On the flip side, I do enjoy in sometimes extravagant adventures. During the August 21st, 2017 solar eclipse, I traveled eight hours, by myself, without the special glasses because they were sold out, and a last second homemade cereal box thing that let me see it, because I wanted to. It cost me 2.5 tanks of gas. The thirteen hour drive back was the worst. But you know what, it was worth it. It was expensive in time, but it wasn’t really an expensive thing. So you know what, I am going to take offense. That shit can be free for all I care. If it is extravagant enough, it has my attention.

Correction: Leos like extravagant things.

The ugly truth: Leos are determined and committed people. This sometimes leads to stubbornness and inflexibility.

Some of the things I’ve read say that Leos are generally stubborn and inflexible, but that’s actually not me. However, that’s only as of late. For this section, I’ll share a more personal story:

I got a really well-paying job at an office that I loved. There were some issues, but the job itself was great. And I was great at it. I was innovative, efficient, thorough, all around amazing. This was less of a bragging point and more of a “really? Was the person before me that bad?” A big part of me thinks they were.

Along with this commitment and determination to continue being the best, because you know my confidence is constantly slipping, I was very inflexible. If it was not a change I brought about, it was not a change worth doing. I was hugely open to criticism, but some opinions really annoyed me. “Hey, have you tried this?” someone would ask. “Um, I already made the process go from one day to ten minutes. You really think you have something to add?”

I never shared these thoughts out loud, but I can’t imagine it not coming through in some way.

So, I have this well-paying job. Economy sucks. I need another job. Bills are still hard to pay. I need another job. Finding one job that paid more was difficult, so I somehow ended up with five jobs, one being full-time. Yes, I promise you read that right. Five jobs. At this point, I had every single one of those ugly truth traits Leos have. Committed, stubborn, inflexible, and god was I determined. That changed in 2019.

I started writing a book. It was an idea I’ve had for like, ever, and I was actually passionate about it. Job number six, writing, became number five. Then four. Then three. Now it’s two. It still doesn’t earn me any income, but now that I’m out of that cushy office job that I supposedly loved, I feel a lot more myself. I’m open. I prefer being flexible, because it’s the only way to learn, and it’s less responsibility. I’ll let you figure that one out. I’m still determined and oh so committed, but the toxicity of those traits completely disappeared.

That’s why I say “sometimes leads to stubbornness and inflexibility.”

Conclusion: The horoscopes we have today might be grossly misinterpreted from the stars in the sky, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t something there. I see a lot of myself in fellow Leos, but not always the horoscope of the day. I’m not confident at all, I just pretend I am. I’m not happy, I’m dark with a side of sarcasm, but I’m still somehow an optimist. And I’m not cheery just because I’m energetic and can easily get carried away in the momentum of the moment.

I imagine a lot of the signs are like this, not just Leos, so remember that people will always be infinitely deeper than how they appear. But when the stars are involved… who knows. Perhaps there is something deeper there too.

This short story was a lot longer than I intended, but thank you for reading thus far. I mean it. It means a hell of a lot to me.