An Alien's Guide to an Earth Vacation

An Alien’s Guide to an Earth Vacation

First and foremost you need to determine which time period you wish to visit. Earth hasn’t always been a hospitable paradise and be wary that you don’t accidentally visit one of its neighbors which at one point looked like Earth itself.

The second planet from the main star once looked like Earth and had a number of wonderful mountains to climb but now the place is a hot hell zone with horrible air and tough gravity. You might be able to look around for a few moments but it offers little else. They also have no ice cream parlors.

The fourth planet also was once a moderate type of place to visit but the inhabitants were cruel and would fire lasers at you that would incinerate you in a heartbeat. Rumor has it that they tried to take over the second planet once but got killed by the common cold. Years later they tried to take over the third planet, Earth, and once again got killed by the common cold. Eventually they turned their sites on Neptune’s inhabitants but guess what? They died from the common cold, brought it back home and well, that is why their planet has no more people. It is also real cold now and the dust on the ground is impossible to get off your white shoes.

That brings us to the third planet, they call it Earth in one area and in other areas they have different names. Figure out ahead of time which area you are going to visit so you know which local vocal dialect they speak. If you pick the wrong one you might get hit in the face. You also need to pick which time period you wish to visit. There are four that are approved.

The first one was far into the past. You will have to deal with giant insects and hot humid weather. As you can tell this wasn’t very popular. It was some 260 million years ago.

The second one was seventy million years ago and is quite fun it you like being chased by giant lizards with sharp teeth or enjoy the risk of being stepped on by four legged monsters that do nothing but eat leaves all day. Seriously, that is all they do.

Your third choice is the human era. It is the most enjoyable. Such a species that became so advanced in such a short period of time, they now have technology that allows them to study any subject at incredible levels but they usually choose to spend their time watching cat videos and yelling at strangers about politics. They also have some unique cuisine. In some places they eat each other and in others they just drink coffee all day. Even though they are one race, they come in different sizes and colors and seem to hate each other if they are not the right shape or color so be sure to mimic an appearance that won’t get you punched in the face. If you forget to do this and find yourself surrounded by some of the rougher types who might kill you, pull out your vortex enhancer and tell them it was made “overseas” and show them some cat videos.

Finally, you have your fourth choice which is more in the future. Humans are long gone, having fled to nearby planets populated by cats and in its place Earth is now run by mutated cockroaches and spiders. All of the great buildings and works of art that humans made are now completely gone except for a few old fast food hamburgers which for some reason never rot. Thus that is the only remnant of human civilization. This world however is one that I would avoid. The spiders will eat you and the cockroaches are disgusting and you can’t even walk very far before being pinned in a web. From space most of the land looks white because of the sheer vastness of spider webs.

My best advice is if you are in the neighborhood, visit Venus but only far into the future. It will be made Earth-like centuries from now by the humans and many will still be living there. The mountains of Venus are amazing as are the Venusian oceans and lakes. The locals won’t bother you much as they are usually arguing with strangers about politics or watching more cat videos.