All That and A Bag of Chips

The wind bit roughly at Edge’s fingers as he reached into the gutter. The notebook had been there 3 days and no one else seemed interested in it at all. As his fingers got close to it, a tingle flowed through them, up his arm, and into his shoulder. He shuddered and pulled his hand back.

Edge looked around one more time. The few people who were around were ignoring him and certainly ignoring the book as they rushed through the icy rain to warmer places. Edge made his decision, reached forward again, and closed his fingers around the black book. Then he was knocked out by a blinding light.

When he came to, Edge was in a small room furnished only with a green table and two wooden chairs, one of which he was sat in.

Where am I? What happened? Edge thought, trying to piece together how he got from the cold, rainy street to this room.

“The book!” Edge said to himself and immediate looked at his hand. The black notebook was still grasped in his fingers.

Suddenly the door to the room opened and a very tall woman entered. She had to have been at least 6 feet.

Edge stared at her as she walked to the other chair, sat down, adjusted the glasses on her face, and looked straight into Edge’s eyes.

“Hello,” the woman said, “I’m glad you’re here.”

Edge returned her stare and replied, “Um, thank you? And where is here exactly?”

The woman looked at Edge even more sharply than she had been and said, “Surely you know. You have that.”

She gestured to the notebook in Edge’s hand.

“Oh this?” Edge said, “I only just found this. I haven’t even read it yet.”

“Not read it yet!?” the woman exclaimed, clearly more than a little annoyed, “Why didn’t you read it before you left?”

Edge looked at her, confused, “Left? Left where? I only saw this book 3 days ago. It has been sitting in the street near my home the whole time. I just picked it up today, but as soon as I touched it I was blinded by a light and the next thing I knew I was here.”

The woman took off her glasses, rubbed her eyes and groaned. Then she asked, quite exasperatedly, “You’re not agent M-6579 are you? You are in fact human I suspect.”

“Agent M dash what? And of course I am human, what else would I be?” Edge replied.

The woman sighed and said, “Never mind. There has been a mistake. Wait here.”

With that she stood and quickly left the room. Edge watched her go feeling extremely confused.

He looked back down to the notebook in his hands and opened it. The first page bore the handwritten title Mission 7978-D3: Earth Annihilation.

Edge gasped out loud and thought, Earth annihilation? As in the destruction of Earth? What is going on?!

He flipped through the rest of the notebook but most of the notes made no sense to him and soon the door to the room opened again.

The tall woman returned, sat down again and said, “Tell me, you say you found that notebook? You didn’t take it from anyone?”

“No! There was no one looking for it so I decided to check it out,” replied Edge.

The woman looked at him suspiciously but only said, “Hmm.”

Then she said, “You touched it with your bare hand.” Not a question, but a statement.

“Well yeah,” replied Edge, “What does that matter?”

“That’s how you got here,” the woman replied, “There’s a thin technology encasing the notebook that, when contact is made with organic living flesh, transports whatever touched it back here. Our agents all know to wear gloves until their missions are complete.”

“Oh...” said Edge, “Speaking of missions, what mission is this? Earth Annihilation? You’re gonna get rid of my planet?”

The woman replied, “Well yes, that was the goal of Agent M-6579's mission.”

Edge looked at her in shock and asked, “But why?”

“Simple,” the woman replied, “There is no longer a use for your planet in the galaxy and thus it needs to be destroyed so it is not a drain on resources.”

Edge cried out, “But you can’t! It’s my home! It’s a lot of people’s home!”

“That is of no consequence to us,” replied the woman, “We have annihilated many a planet in the past when they were no longer useful for the greater good of the galaxy and we will continue to do so. Earth is just one planet in a long line.”

“That’s just cruel!” said Edge, getting angry now, “What about all the innocent lives on Earth?”

“All life comes to an end at some point, innocent or not,” replied the woman, “We just hurry the process in some situations.”

“There must be some way to save it,” he said quietly.

The woman looked at him thoughtfully, then said, “Your wish to save it amuses me. Alright I'll let you try.”

"What? Really?” asked a surprised Edge, “How?”

“You have 5 hours and this,” she said pulling a thin piece of blue plastic from her pocket, “To convince me not to go through with Mission 7978-D3.”

She handed the plastic card to Edge and continued, “This has a credit of 20,000 units in your currency. Buy me something incredible that proves Earth is worth saving and I will scrap the mission.”

“Something incredible for 20,000 dollars?” Edge asked, He was already wracking his brain thinking of what he could buy.

“Yes,” replied the woman, “Do you accept your mission?”

He gulped and replied, “I guess so.”

“Good,” the woman replied, “I will send you back down to the planet and you can take the notebook with you to get back here. Remember though. Only touch it with your bare hand when you are ready to come back. You have 5 hours. Not a minute more.”

When Edge arrived back in his city he decided the first thing he needed to do was figure out how to use this piece of plastic the woman had given him. He looked around and saw a corner store. Surely he could use some of the money to buy a small snack, right? He walked into the store, chose a bag of potato chips and when the cashier asked for payment he handed her the plastic card.

She looked at it and said, “Uh... paying with card? You can just tap it on the machine.”

Edge nodded and tapped the card. It worked!

He mumbled thanks, grabbed his chips and left the store. Now he had to think. What could he buy to make the woman believe Earth was a planet worth keeping around? Edge snapped his fingers and set off. He had a few ideas and decided to act on all of them.

About 3 hours and 46 minutes after he had arrived back on Earth, Edge’s shopping was complete. He was ready to return to the woman and present his purchases. He opened his bag, closed his eyes, and clasped the black notebook firmly.

“Ah, back early,” the woman said when he arrived, “Feeling confident are we? Well, let’s see what you brought.”

Edge had 4 parcels with him. He passed the woman the first bag stating, “The earth has many beautiful natural wonders. I bought you a painting from a national artist reflecting one of these wonders, the northern lights!”

The woman opened the bag and pulled out the painting, studying it for a moment before saying, “Many planets in this galaxy boast an aurora borealis. Boring. Next!”

“Well I thought it was pretty,” Edge mumbled under his breath, feeling annoyed. He opened the second parcel and presented the woman with a small blue velvet box. She opened it revealing a stunning diamond necklace.

“Diamonds? Really?” the woman scoffed, “You know these rain down on Neptune almost daily don’t you? Useless rocks. Next!”

Edge frowned at her, and opened the 3rd package saying, “Now I don’t know much about this but the man in the store said this was the finest vintage they sold.”

Edge pulled out an extremely fancy bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon wine. He opened the bottle and passed it to the woman. She looked at it skeptically, sniffed it, then took a sip.

Immediately she spat it back out and yelled, “What are you getting at?! That’s disgusting! It tastes of rot.”

Surprised Edge apologized, but he wasn’t defeated yet. Silently he handed her the final box. The woman opened it to reveal a small ball of fluff. She gingerly lifted an animal out of the bag and held it at arm's length asking, “What is this?”

“A puppy!” grinned Edge, convinced this gift would definitely do the trick, “Everyone loves puppies!”

“Vermin,” The woman replied putting it down. It immediately scampered out the door and disappeared.

“Is this really all you brought me?” she questioned, “Not impressive in the least. Mission 7978-D3 will go ahead as planned.”

Edge was crushed.

“Could I, that is um, if you’ll allow me to, could I at least watch it?” he asked.

The woman stared at him and asked, “You want to witness the destruction of your planet? That is highly unusual.”

Edge just shrugged and nodded.

The woman thought a moment and then replied, “Very well, come along.”

The woman led him out of the room, down a hallway and into another room with a large window spanning the whole far wall. Earth was sprawled out before them.

“The destruction will take place in 2 minutes,” the woman said plainly, “We will watch from here.”

Edge’s stomach grumbled. He remembered the potato chips he had bought earlier and reached into his bag for them. As he began eating them, he felt the woman staring. He looked over.

“What is that delectable smell?” she demanded.

“Uh,” said Edge, swallowing his mouthful, “Just salt and vinegar chips. You want some?”

“Yes,” the woman said reaching into the bag. She inspected the chip she pulled out before popping it into her mouth. Her eyes closed in sheer delight.

“Oh how wonderful!” she exclaimed, “Why didn’t you give me these before?”

Edge was puzzled, “Uh, I didn’t think about it I guess. They’re just potato chips. Delicious sure, but not the best thing about Earth.”

The woman immediately spoke into her bracelet saying, “Commander abort Mission 7978-D3 immediately.”

Edge looked at the woman in shock and excitement.

“Really?!” he exclaimed, “Earth isn’t going to be destroyed?! Just because of some potato chips?”

“That depends,” replied the woman, “Are these the only potato chips Earth has?”

“No!” laughed Edge, “There’s billions of ‘em, and as long as we can keep growing potatoes we can keep making them!”

“Then no, Earth is not going to be destroyed.” replied the woman, “In my vast travels across the galaxy I have not come across any planet that can offer these. As long as Earth can keep producing them, it shall be under our protection.”

Edge shook his head in disbelief and said gleefully, “And to think salt and vinegar isn’t even the best flavour!”

“There are different flavours?!” the woman cried excitedly, “We must return there immediately. I must taste each potato chip Earth has to offer.”

Within a few seconds they had arrived on Earth.

She looked at Edge and said, “Well human boy I no longer have a need of you. Be on your way. Congratulations. You saved your silly little planet.”

The woman turned on her heel and stalked away, bound for the closest store. Edge shook his head and went on his own way. Then he remembered he still had the black notebook in his bag. He turned back to give it to the woman but she was gone. Edge shrugged and thought to himself, Oh well, maybe I’ll pop back for a visit one day.