Aim For The Heavens

I've always liked zodiacs. My first experience with them was reading the little paper one left on top of a table at the Chinese buffet my family used to go to in my childhood. I loved the fact that both my father and I were he year of the Dog- my favorite animal! My mother was the year of the Rabbit, and wasn't it just a funny coincidence that my mother's nickname was Bunny?

I figured out around middle school that I was a Sagittarius, my birthday being at the end of the season. I was amused at the symbol being The Archer, or The Centaur; I had loved Greek Mythology for a time in elementary school, and thought Firenze from Harry Potter was the smartest of the lot. Over the years as I matured and life was a little less magical every year, I acknowledged that zodiac signs are not markers for your destiny; no one is restricted by something as fanciful as star signs or birth positions, and as fun and insightful as zodiacs can be . . . it must be understood that your choices do more to shape your life than your birthday. You won't catch me excusing some action or phrase with a flippant excuse of, "Oh that's my fire sign acting up, ha!"

I downloaded an app called Time Passages a couple of months ago, I think on recommendation from Youtube Lune Innate or something? In it, Time Passages gives you a quite thorough description of your astrological sign, your moon and sun signs, and a list of what planets are in what aspects according to your natal chart. Let's start with my sun sign, Sagittarius:

"Sagittarius is an optimistic, positive-thinking sign associated with the quest for freedom from all restriction as well as idealism, religion, and philosophy. Sagittarius people are direct and forthright, good natured and affirmative in their outlook. You tend to speak with a blunt tongue, which can get you into trouble at times, although you are usually able to laugh yourself out of it. You display honesty and strong moral nature. You also like to have fun and a good chuckle, even at your own expense. You gravitate towards adventure, sports, and travel, as well as gambling and other forms of risk-taking. You are likely to be very curious about the world around you, with a love for nature and a contagious enthusiasm for exploration of all kinds."

It's just . . . sort of amazing how dazzling coincidences can be. Because- there are certainly people, who are born as Sagittarius', who don't fit these particular traits. Not all of them. But if you can find a connection with just one then it's something kind of like magic. So in my younger and more doe-eyed days, it was absolutely fantastic to have so many pieces of me attached to stars.

At twelve years old I was idealistic, dreamy, blunt almost to the point of rudeness, and laughed at the slightest provocation. I dreamed of a freedom I believed adulthood would grant me. I didn't know a lot of things then, and was prone to many white lies (mostly about homework or my feelings, but those lies swelled and abated in time with puberty) I liked adventures, I hated sports, and I dreamed of travelling all over. I had an uncle who was addicted to gambling so stayed clear of any such thing, and realized what a good decision that was whenever I got near an arcade game.

At twenty-six my idealism is more like escapism from a reality that I'm hard pressed to keep up with some days. As my better days get the best of my dark days I look for gems of positivity to help remind me and keep it going . . . and I'm not sure what freedom is supposed to look like anymore. What it means to me. I have still retained my forthrightness, and have added a new addition of firm and established boundaries after years of breaking myself over and over to try and be what I thought I should be. My bluntness has been tempered by time, tact, and growing empathy. I do hope that I'm morally strong, and I see no point in lying anymore. My humor has been rewritten a couple of times but I still find plenty to laugh at. I no longer wish to have adventures, I still don't care to play sports, and travel is something I wished I hadn't waited to try. I'm still not a gambler.

So . . . it's amazing to me how incredibly close my zodiac gets it. That's got to be a kind of magic, wouldn't you say? Without incense, or elixirs, and not even a crystal in sight. This is purely magic of your blood, your soul.

My moon sign is Cancer.

. . . A sensitive and caring nature. You are protective of yourself and others. Your sensitivity to others can be almost too well developed and may include psychic ability. You have a need to be nurturing. There are feelings of vulnerability with this position, and the past or old habits can invade the present. You can definitely be moody. You are very emotional and have a tendency to withdraw from real or imagined injuries.

I'll tell you straight up the first half is bullshit. I am definitely sensitive! I find myself quite often making up fake scenarios that do nothing but hurt me! And for what?!

Perhaps I am protective of myself. I don't think that's a bad thing, either, the need to ensure that I'm not hurting or not okay. There was a time, years of time actually, where I did nothing but hate myself and everything about me. I hated what I hadn't become, what I couldn't escape in myself, and what I showed to others. I think I can be protective of the ones I care about- I try to help them, offer what I can to them . . . but I feel I often fail because I had so little to offer when I gave myself nothing to work with. You can't help others when you consider yourself less than dog shit, you really can't. So, yeah, definitely moody as you can tell. The older I've gotten, the more emotional I've become and I'm more okay with that than I thought I would be? I was so . . . I tried to be so tough as a child. Unwilling to be soft, and eager to show a stiff back and raised chin. But now, closer to thirty than anything I revel in softness. I . . . in the world we live in I don't allow myself to be weak in public spaces if I can help it, but that's why I'm always so desperate to by by myself and free to just become strawberry jelly. The mistakes I've made, the words I've regretted, haunt me daily. Even the smallest mistakes creep into my mind, night or day, as if a spider was crawling across my body. I have a hard time forgiving myself, and I seem to never be able to forget what it honestly inconsequential.

So . . . half right here, for Cancer. I seem to have gotten the darker aspects of the sign, without any of the nicer ones. It's not surprising to me though . . . I've always been more fascinated with the dark side of the moon, for better or worse.

My ascending sign is Libra.

People with Libra rising are gracious, attractive, and fair-minded. You are a seeker of harmony and beauty. Your ruling planet is Venus an you are known for your good taste, elegance, and charm. Libra is the sign of balance and relationships. Your natural mode of living is in partnership with others. Intimate relationships are quite important to you, as are matters of social justice. You forever hope all parties to a conflict will be satisfied, and you have a tendency to understand and support both sides of a dispute, which is likely to drive your friends crazy. You will also go out of your way to avoid a quarrel, and may have a hard time making a decision. An excellent outlet for your love of beauty is in artistic pursuits of all kinds.

Well, that is . . . way closer than Cancer was. I'm not gracious, I don't really think, more . . . trained, after spending over half a decade in the hospitality industry. I dislike people too much to be considered gracious. I'm a little too impetuous to be fair-minded but, hell, I think I'm pretty so attractive can work too. My ruling planet is Jupiter and I'll thank you to remember that. I look at the descriptive term "elegance", and then glance to the decorative pillow covered in mermaid sequins that feature a flamingo in the middle. I crave a friend group like the ones I used to see in TV shows, so yeah I want intimate relationships. I want best friends who will- after this pandemic of course- just ask me to join them for a McDonalds run and we can chat and eat in the car. Or to ask to come over just to play their switch and drink cheap wine while I'm chilling doing my own thing and the show we mutually agreed upon plays softly in the background. The only time I'll see both sides of an argument is if both friends are arguing about movie interpretations or who's pet is better. However, yeah, I hate conflict. I can hold my own in it for only a very short time before tears become the next step, more out of frustration or anger than anything. Sometimes I'll get swept up and get into an argument but it will leave me feeling sick to my stomach and . . . I just hate it. As for art . . . I'm a writer, so. Yeah.

All in all I have more in common with my zodiac signs than not. It's really cool, actually! To be able to go down this list and, looking at it so starkly, realize how interesting it all is. Ancient civilizations, for all their lack of complex technology (relative to our understanding of that), really were so incredibly intuitive and connected to nature in a way that leaves me mind boggled. Of course a series of signs that seem to date around 1500 BC are not wholly accurate, and some revision has been made over the centuries. Still! For all those revisions; for these signs- these symbols . . . to resonate with so many people . . . That's special. That means something.

It means jokes about signs, making friends and having conversations about what makes you, you know, you.

It means a whole new avenue of study, and a brand new methodology for understanding the world around us.

It means a beginner's step to understanding even a little portion of yourself.

And for me? My zodiac signs mean that I'm a funny, emotional mess. And, for now, I'm happy with that.