A Past Life

I have to state that before I write any of this my guide Sarah has shown me a lot of visions and potential futures in dreams. Not all of which were entirely factual. Even to this very moment as I write these words I am reliving an experience I have already seen in dreams years earlier. That has been happening now for the last few years. But along side real experiences their are false ones that seem to have been used to move me in ulterior directions. When it comes to these visions of what seems to be a past incarnation I cannot one hundred percent know if this is in fact a real life experience. The reason that I believe it is is because I know from this life experience I have certainly seen some of the extraordinary and impossible elements of this past life reveal themselves in a similar way in this one. In that sense they seem to validate this past life and so I will write about it.

This all started a few months ago when Sarah brought up a memory of a dream I had woken up from several years ago when no one was in the house and I was sleeping downstairs in front of the television. I had woken up from a few dreams that I thought were different then normal dreams. At this point I was not in conscious contact with Sarah. All there was were the dreams.

The main one involved unclearly a large house I thought. There were several intercut scenes that revolved around myself and a woman who I think was my partner. The scenes took place mostly in what looked like an old drawing room, the kind with bookshelves filled with books and I think a sofa, coffee table and a drawing desk, that looked more like it was meant for drawing maps, cartography of some sort. The room had very richly decorated double doors made out of wood and the surrounding walls seemed like they were stone I think. The interior was very lushly decorated, it looked like something belonging to a very old family of status and wealth. This did not look like someones pet project, nor did it have anything less then the air of seriousness about it. It was very lavish in an antiquated way.

In the few scenes that played out I was involved with this young woman, probably somewhere between 20 and 30 years of age. A lot of the details are not entirely clear yet. I don’t really remember what she looked like beyond the fact that we were both caucasians and this definitely seemed like it took place before the modern conveniences we have today. It did look very well taken care of but there was no real signs of technology. In this room the scene that seemed to play out was an argument between me and her. I don’t recall exactly what was said but we fought about her telling me she was moving on with someone else that I knew closely. Or maybe that she was leaving on a trip I didn’t want to go on with another man. This man could have been my brother or a close friend, he might have just been someone I knew but I was familiar with the person she was mentioning. He wasn’t there. But I distinctly recall the feeling of this being one of leaving maybe the reigns of my status or family responsibilities to off somewhere on a long trip of self discovery or something that was too irresponsible to my sense of responsibility in this life. I cannot remember specifics but I get the feeling she is asking me to go away on a long trip to maybe a place we’ve before but almost abandoning my family status and role which she didn’t have in her life. I think I thought she was uncaring about my position and I denied her the request only to have come back and tell she was leaving with this other man (who may have been my younger brother) and less responsible for the family affairs.

I cannot recall how it got to this but when she told me, I was insulted but then something happened I can’t quite remember where I an argument or a sudden act of mine brought me to eventually kill her, in that very room I believe. Though I cannot really recall the murder there is is a vague image of being near that drawing table and the feeling of a heart pounding rage and then fear without clearly seeing anything in particular.

From that point on there is an image of the person I was in that life. Feeling his personality and demeanour from my point of view in this life is upsetting to me. I don’t like him. He seems a lot more chauvinistic and uncomfortable to me. Not to say he is uncomfortable, in fact I’d say just the opposite he is a lot more physically in touch with himself then I ever have been. In my life my body has not been something I’ve been very in touch with and developed in this life. Like both my parents in this life I became overweight and stayed like that the majority of my life. I was never really comfortable with sports or most activities where you would move your body and felt very ashamed of not being in better shape. This has been true to the point where I would avoid people, social gatherings, opportunities to dance or beach experiences anywhere your body is basically exposed for what it looks and moves like. To this day I am still not in great shape and not fully comfortable in my own skin.

When I look at this old life he is not at all suffering from the same body issues. In fact its one of the reasons I hate him. Its like all the confidence and body stability I was missing powering a personality that would probably see me as his inferior and disrespect me. I get this feeling of overt masculine imbalance in him. Like a thick ugly kind of feeling. Like he’s mean without being aware of it. Darker without really being evil. More developed physically but lesser aware of himself then I am in spite of my short comings. Its just like a shot of him from another persons point of view where I’m seeing him and feeling all of this and especially where I was peacefully during the time of the dreams I did not like who he was.

After this I think there was another barely recalled scene in that drawing room with a servant girl, a maid. I think I lied to her about what happened to my partner but I can really only recall some significant discourse between us. There was a time where I think I thought I had gotten away with it. Time it seems had passed and my behaviour continued on as if nothing had occurred. But I recall a serious feeling with a civil servant dressed in black arriving in an old style carriage in front of the study’s window. I was delivered in old parchment and calligraphy a very elaborately written letter of summons to the court house in the city. I can feel the fear at this point as if I was caught already and these were just the legal procedures of putting me in prison. I remember all this because of the way I was staring at the summons on my desk and how I felt when I looked out the window.

The scene after this is of me being dressed in a suit, I can’t recall exactly what it looked like just very dressy because we don’t dress like that anymore. Its very elaborate in that time like every little thing is such a formal event of sorts. It could be because of the wealth but there is definitely the feeling of things being more “proper” during that time. So I’m in my own carriage heading into town and I’m dropped off at the foot of a white pillared courthouse. I believe it was no more then two stories but had those classic white roman pillars around the front exterior of it. I remember at time there was this intense fear all the way down to town and to the courthouse. It was clear that this was a very unusual experience for me. I must have spent most of the time in the country where my house was.

There is a very brief dream in all this that I recall having when I was very young. It was just a random moment that I remembered here and there my entire life if anything reminded me of it. But it was always a background thought in my mind because I just thought it was a fragment of dream I once had abstractly. But when I recall it now I believe this dream took place in front of my property. I think I might have been young at this point but I am standing on a dirt road that is lined on both sides with trees that create an almost natural archway tunnel. Its very classic looking. A carriage is speeding towards and past me as I watch it leave I look through the trees back at a property with a very large front land and what looks almost like pink type stones that make up the places exterior. This is not simply a house because this is big. But still through the trees I cannot make out what it all looks like. Its just a fragment.

Back in town looks a little pitiful. I think it also is a dirt road but more maintained then something rural. The buildings down the street are mixer of browns and whites, smaller then most cities today. But you get the sense this is the downtown area. I go in the courthouse which looks marble I think from the inside. Its all very white alabaster looking. Maybe it was alabaster. I go to about mid floor in this open space and there is a clerk of sorts sitting at a desk with an open register (a large black book with names) and he takes my name and tells me my time will be in the afternoon. So now I’m terrified because I think I have to wait and that will show my guilt to them. But somewhere inside my thoughts are the words “…ok we’re just going to go have lunch, very casually, not too fast, just a walk into town and we’ll have our favourite dish..” This is an approximation of what I was thinking, but it was something to this effect. So I slowly, casually listened to my thoughts and walked down the street looking at the buildings and businesses for a place to eat.

As I walk down the street from my experience in the dream it doesn’t make me feel so different at this point then what we’d see today. I think this was dreamed at a different time because I do remember thinking about this place as if I were in downtown Toronto or something waiting for court to start and acting like I do in this life, as if I belong there or know what I’m doing. So I walk in one place and I go in a certain distance but it doesn’t seem like anyone is there, or like there isn’t many. There is a patio outside with chairs and I know it isn’t winter because there is no snow or indication of cold weather. Even leading my house it seemed like it was maybe late spring, early fall, or summer. I think at this I must be looking suspicious and everything is triggering me but that thought in my mind is telling me just stay slow, move casually. Seeing it wasn’t going to happen I walked back out and across the street to another place. This one was totally different.

Where as the first place had a lot of browns, wood, just ordinary every day fellow kind of place. This one was very very, I would even stay overly classy. It was incredibly formal for that time of day. This is just a lunch mind you but the host was dressed in a full formal tuxedo. Top to bottom with all the manners fit for a king. This place was extremely elegantly decorated but to the point of being a little stuffy and even showy. There were a lot of whites, I think I remember crystal chandeliers and it looked almost like a dinner banquet for the president of the united states. White table cloths, very expensive dinnerware, the full royal deal. Every waiter in here, not to mention patron was dressed to nines. It was like walking into a royal ball in the middle of the afternoon. Everything was so so proper, very eloquent well behaved patrons with good manners and great posture enjoying what seemed from this life’s perspective to be almost like a play.

I think I went to the washroom before I was actually seated. Maybe I was asked to wait, I can’t remember but what what I was was in terror. My heart was pounding with psychopathic like fear about all of this. The feeling was very clearly tremendous fear, almost as if I was badly intoxicated but hyper alert all at the same time. I was thinking this was it, I’m only trying to play out of this so I don’t make it worse. But at that same time I was spiking through the very height of my highest amount of self-control and self-composure so much so I believed I might collapse in on myself if I didn’t try my utmost to keep it all together. But still in mind I was telling myself the same thing. Almost as if I was with a mother keeping me safe telling me “..lets play a game, we are just out having a lunch, then we’re going to go back in, say our bit and go home..” I truly do think that if not for this thought in my mind I could have lost it completely and just started behaving weirdly and scattered. But I held on to that thought to carry me through this.

I opened my wallet and saw that I a had number of bills in there. I do remember that the wallet was kept in my breast pocket of my suit and was more like a passport wallet in size but mainly carried just bills in it. I do not recall what the bills were. This might have America, Canada, Britain or some place in Europe. I think everybody I met was caucasian and it looked as best as I could guess maybe late 1800’s to 1900’s I couldn’t say. I don’t actually recall speaking to anyone but I’m sure we were speaking english. It might have been America for all I know, there wasn’t a distinctive difference to the accent that drew my attention. But there also was no notice of at all. Since your in a dream and if in fact I actually lived this I would not have paid attention to an accent that was familiar to me. But I’m starting to think maybe America, somewhere.

I came back to the waiter and was escorted into a seating on an upper level of what honestly seemed to be a ballroom next to a very large window that seemed to go up two stories behind me. Wine glasses and very chick but traditional looking formality everywhere. It seems so bizarre by today’s standards I can’t even imagine where we’d see such a thing today let alone in the middle of the day even in a city atmosphere. Maybe if there were an opera or gala event of some kind you might see similar things but really you could this common fare for these waiters and ladies and gentlemen that were eating there. I think I ordered a soup of some kind and spent the remainder of my stay play acting as if everything was fine in a state of hyper alertness and fear of where I was going. I knew I was already in this and that I would just have to go through this one way or the other. Something about remembering this moment reminds me of conversations I’ve had in this life with myself when things have similarly gone bad. Almost as if I’m being kind to myself, a friend to myself and putting an arm around me comforting me and telling me no matter what I’ll just face whatever happens. I think this was a moment there at my table, no doubt as I sipped on some wine where I stared out at the light of the afternoon around me and beyond the building I sat in. I thought back to my house, the trees around it and felt sad for my self and what this going to. I really sat there feeling terrible and hopeless looking out at the sun on the floor just outside the windows before me and thought this is it. This is the last time I’ll be free so I’m just going to sit here a little longer and enjoy the afternoon day. And so I did.

But as that afternoon went on the ballroom I was sitting in seemed to empty of the guests it kept and I was aware the waiters looked like they were packing. I think there was a break in the schedule where they reset for the evening and shut down in the meantime. As part of the play I was in I got myself together paid the bill and walked out of the building. I was as ready as I ever could be.

I don’t actually remember walking back to court and I think I vaguely recall coming into the courtroom and talking about something. Nothing too specific I can recall but I do barely remember being there and then I suddenly remember being outside of court and then nothing until I’m walking out the front door. Whatever was said and whatever happened at court it seemed to work out in my favour. Because suddenly I felt free, like I wasn’t going to prison and I was going to walk out of this and I did just that. I walked out the door and into my carriage and rode back home quite relieved I’d imagine. This part is still very vague to me.

There is a dream I recall having only after my awakening that is just a brief moment but seems to be a very important one. It is winter, it seems like the past and I am in a darkened room in a building or house in a small but very close knit village or early town. It does not look very privileged like most of the dreams I’m describing. The place seems run down and poor and badly kept. The wood of the buildings around almost seems just unevenly nailed together. Almost junky like looking. It is nighttime and I seem to be hiding in this house or place just to see what it going on outside of the window infant of me. I remember the window itself being the kind that is made up of many rectangular glasses in a wooden or metal grid. The glass itself rippled when you moved closer to it. I remember this specifically because I had known someone who owned an antique cabinet who showed me the same kind of class that was made in a less refined way and so rippled when you moved closer to it. It wasn’t like todays smooth flat glass windows. As I snuck towards the window in this place that looked like I had also snuck into I saw a procession of people holding candles and walking through the town. They walked down towards where I was hiding in this house and then past it. I know that this is sometimes what is done in the wake of a lost love or death of someone. I have no idea if this is connected to thee story I’m telling except that it seems like it might take place in the same time period. It might mean that the woman I murdered, my partner was from a small poorer village and we had met and fallen in love or maybe were just together and this might have been part of the tension the day that I killed her.

Ok Sarah is saying yes it is and she’s showing me with her in a room like the drawing room and there is a another guy there who has her favour more authentically because he is kinder then I was and I stole her from him. It could be that my wealth made me think I could control reality and when nature won out I was not able to handle it but that was also helped. Now when I think about this scene where I’m in this room and she is there it feels almost like a memory that I can’t quiet remember, I know there’s more story connected on either side but I just remember this scene. I don’t know how she came to be in the story but she was a natural beauty and I wanted her because of how incredibly attractive in her nature and beauty she was to me. She was almost like the idea of natural royalty in her presence. I can almost see another scene outside somewhere I think where I meet her but its so vague. She was extremely desirable it seems to me and almost like a movie star story book like girlfriend. Like someone who comes into your life and just warms the whole life story. She might have been incredible treasured and loved by her people who now I’m cueing on that didn’t want me to be with her because of who I was.

What happens next is also a little vague. I remember being in that drawing room and I think I have a moment where the enormity of everything that had happened finally catches up with me. Not by anything that happened “to” me on the outside but more the recognition of what I had done on the inside. I had killed a woman and gotten away with it. I completely murdered my partner and lied to the entire world telling them I had no knowledge of what happened or of anything happening. It started to sink in what I had done and even though I had completely gotten away with it my conscious would not let me. I spent I think a year and a half in such intense depression that the only thing that could bring me out of it was a notion in my mind of changing myself completely. I could not pull myself out of my hell of unhappiness for what I had done. You don’t just get away with it even if you get away with it. I tortured myself so much for so long that I couldn’t really continue as I was. I needed to change. I had maybe an idea of making up for it but eventually I committed to change my actions and be better to the world.

I cannot recall specifically what I was involved in but I had the distinct impression that a maid I had was involved with me and helped me to be better. I got a reputation for being a good samaritan after this. I feel it because it also intensified my guilt at what I had done and in kind made me work harder at doing good things. I cannot recall everything but I imagine there was some charity work involved and more then anything else I began to heal a little bit from ironically enough the murder I had committed. To think about it it almost feels like I murdered myself and a whole other human being.

This kind of work went on for many many years and became the kind of person that I was seen as in my community whatever that was. I can recall having many servants in this house. There was not just one but it feels like a small community of servants, maybe somewhere in the neighbourhood of thirteen to twenty-five. It was a small grouping like a community of people. Thinking about that I cannot say that that many people at that time in history would be involved in a large house. It would be a bit cramped. That being said I do recall the stone walls, the size of the land I remember and I think there was a large foyer between where the drawing room was and the front entrance. A little bit further from here I do recall seeing a large stone wall that in some way made up a part of the house. But that wall was over two stories high and had very very large stones as a part of it. That all said its starting to make this place look more like a large estate or even small castle of some kind.

Ever since I was young I have always been obsessed with the victorian error. To the point that even today I will style my hair to a more luscious romantic middle length which to me just seems the right thing to do. I have also had a peculiar desire to posses a cane for much of my life. I see them and I’m instantly inspired by it and seriously consider if I could make it a thing, a style or fashion choice. I have been in love with old flip out pocket watches to the point of even buying one when I was a teenager at a flee market with my parents and then filing off the ugly wolf or whatever was on it to make it look more like the style I was trying to approximate. I absolutely love the old style of almost scarf like tie that men used to wear to the point where I’ve worn shirts and tied my scarf in the winter to look like it. I absolutely fall in love when I hear really good violin solos in music. I mean I connect with violin like it is deep inside of me exciting me beyond my ability to express in words how madly it excites me. The same goes when I hear certain pieces played on piano. I go secretly mad inside and fall widely in love with the experience like its a drug or hypnotism in some way.

The piano in particular is a funny one because almost since I could remember I thought that if I just sat at a piano and started to play I would be able to do it. So much that I’ve tried many many times and just met with frustration. I become disheartened that I can’t play and feel very very bad about myself. But I have never been trained professionally or even casually so there is no real logical reason I’m aware of that I should feel like this. But I have had a few friends that play guitar and when they get in that space and really connect I see myself like I think I should be with piano and the same with violin. I feel very very strongly about those two instruments like they are very closely tied to my heart. But growing up these are perhaps the most referenced instruments to people in movies and tv so much so I could not have until now really known they were that significant to me. I know that sometimes when a person of noble linage or royal blood is trained in music the instrument that musically defines most every other instrument is piano. It would be a principle instrument to begin an education in music. Violin I have seen a great popularity during the victorian era and before as being an instrument that has had a great story before more modern music has taken over. Even the common people would play fiddles in pubs and in local gatherings and it seems to be something that was favoured as an instrument during this period.

One of my earliest dreams has me holding my young older brother down with a walking cane and I was wearing a top hat and coat with tails. I always remembered thinking how out of place that costume was in the dream. I still don’t fully understand why so early on in my youth I would have seen something like that when not having any exposure beyond maybe cartoons to someone in that outfit. I must have been anywhere from about six to ten years old. But it still stands out so mysteriously especially since the whole scene took place on my street from this life with contemporary settings and characters.

There comes a point in this story where many many years have passed, I think something like two decades or so since I murdered this woman. Time had passed in my favour and I had changed to be known as someone of kindness and help to those who were in need. But a day came where I felt a long enough time had passed since my act of murder that I began to think maybe I could tell the truth about it. Like I said I think I was involved with one of my maids and during the entire time we were together I never spoke one breath of it. But I had become a lot older and different. I saw that I had changed and felt better about myself. I thought maybe my good deeds would breed acceptance without least my immediate inner circle, meaning my help. So I think that I told her. But to my surprise she did not take it well or at least I think she pretended to me that she did and then started to talk to the other servants about it. I don’t know it I did tell any others, no I think I did but not too many. After I think a short week or two my servants all turned there back on me and abandoned the house.

I was left worrying if they would turn me in if there would be a reinvestigation but as it turns out I did hold on to the house for many years after that. But as time went on my age, my privilege and my singularity left the place in a state of ruin. I remember the trees all died outside my front entrance. There is some idea of legal trouble, someone came to my door but I don’t recall anything specific and I do recall staying in the house a long time. I was left to take care of things as best as I could but the place literally started to fall apart. It was dirty and so was I, and I was in no shape to really do the work that was necessary. I spent what I thought would be the remained of my life bitter, old and hurting in a life probably better then I deserved. This was a very long slow difficult part of my life, I feel like I had some official support that helped me keep the residence even though I think some repudiation was taken against me legally to try and kick me out. I see a scene in fall maybe or maybe the house was in bad decay and ruin where a man from the courts who still supported me arrives to tell me he has saved my place and me and I will still live here. I’m not sure who this person was only I get the feeling I made a friend of him specifically because I had done such good work and changed to be better then previously. I get that distinct feeling that if I had not changed everything I would not have had this man save my life when I really needed him. He was younger then me and well dressed. I on the other hand was old and in bad health, broken.

A long time in that state of being also changed me and made me more unhappy and desolate. I lived like that a little scared of what might come for me. Death? Illness? Someone seeking vengeance? I continued to live quite sadly. Until one day a knock came at the main door. This was now a very unusual experience because by this time no one wanted anything to do with me. It was a group of what looked like poor people. I had no idea what they wanted but there were in front of me. They seemed almost to be like gypsies. The man who seemed kind hearted and the leader of sorts talked to me. He told me him and his people saw my place in a bad shape and would like to help me. They offered their assistance and I think maybe I walked outside with him and around the property showing him a little of what damages and cleaning needed to be done. I’m not sure if I offered him money, yes I think I did but he turned it away and said they just needed lodging. I noticed at this time a young woman in the back of them who was a little covered but thought maybe was nicely looking. I was not unhappy to have her on the premise. So I agreed and they got to work for me.

I’m not sure how long they stayed but they worked as best they could to try and take care of me and my place. I felt like this was a struck of good luck for me and felt much much happier to have them here with me. I’m not sure when it got brought up but I know where it was brought up by that wall I mentioned earlier. This wall was very long and large and from the look of it looked almost like the enclosure for a small castle. It was that big. There was hay and the gypsies were sitting by that wall and the leader began to talk to me. He started to speak about my life from a perspective I didn’t expect these poor wanderers to posses. He seemed more intelligence and sophisticated then a man who wandered the country side looking for work would naturally. He told me that he knew my story and what had happened, what had really happen with the young woman earlier. He told me outright and I began to get frightened, I thought this was going to turn on me and maybe they wanted money or vengeance or something horrible was about to happen.

The story he began to tell was something extraordinary. He told me that he and his workers were not actually gypsies. He said that they were like actors just like in a theatre performance. He said that they were all involved in play acting many different parts in the story of my life. That I had already met them, already worked with them and inn some cases may have been intimate with one. One person in particular that was. I recall the slightly covered girl from the first day I had met them hoping to see her I almost never did. I was actually a little angry at that. I thought it would be nice to have a pretty girl around my place and it would brighten me. But I had felt almost kicked when I would walk the grounds and not ever see her. I don’t think I was about to ask about someone I had never met so I stayed quiet about that frustration. But as it turns out he immediately brought up this girl to my attention. He said “do you remember the girl I was with the first day you met us?” I said I did but that I failed to see her after. “It was a bit odd that she seemed to disappear suddenly, especially since you were so looking forward to seeing her.” I could not really say anything. He pointed past me and in a beautiful purple wrapping standing next to a very particular tree next to a small stream she stood there. “I think it is time you were introduced.”

I walked towards this tree thinking how insane this was this man was going to deliver to me exactly what I wanted. As I came closer I noticed a very strange brilliance in her eyes. She was in fact very remarkable to see her, much more remarkable then I was even believing I was seeing. Its on that level where someone is so perfect and beautiful they seem almost to not be real. But there she stood, unlike anyone I had ever seen before. Which is incredibly ironic because the very next thing I was thinking was astonishment at exactly having seen her before. Not quiet this brilliant, not quiet this otherworldly but yes, unmistakable it was her, the woman I was in love with, the woman I murdered all that time ago standing as real as the tree she was next to astoundingly clear and brilliant beyond words. She was approximately the age she was when I killed her but much a presence then how she seemed back then. She carried something in her wrappings. I cannot remember what it was. It was something very special like a jewel or some kind of trinket. I only mention it because I know she showed it to me for a reason. I just cannot looking back recall what it was.

I want to point out that by this time in my own life Sarah has shown me all kinds of tricks that guides use to do guiding in life. Your guides are much more then you think down to the point that they create the vibrational brace or bracket your unconscious chaos is being in a sense “possessed” positively to fill out into. They can create appetites, preferences, obsessions with any and all kinds of things in life to get you to go where your story has been decided to get to. And that is in subconscious synchronistic orchestration with every other life story on the planet and where ever else it might be dimensionally or density wise to a certain extent. She has gotten me to say things in conversation that arrived at exactly the opposite intention I set out in my speaking about things. She has brought me into state of intense fear, guilt, shame and even showed me virtually instantaneous states of extreme rage. She’s been able to make me cry and then laugh out loud happy. She can make me clumsy or very confident. The rage itself in this story was shown by putting my hand right through a kitchen table shattering it into pieces when only seconds later I was no where near that angry, nor was I previous until about a few seconds before. I have seen this kind of thing on shows like Ghost Adventures with Zak Baggins. Exploring demonic forces who bring about intense feelings of sadness or rage. But she has also shown me to Summer Wind which I’d define as a pure state of infant like bliss that has specifically to do with everything I’m here for in this life. So in short her christ expression can push me into a state where I would be capable of murdering someone I had no previous intension of murdering. Not have seen the things I’ve seen and experienced in this life I could only like most of you see your actions as entirely my own creation and so could be seduced into an extreme state of guilt and depression until finally arriving at relief with my philanthropy.

I was told this much, that the murder was orchestrated to change me. Which it did. That I was always meant to get away with it but that it was made to change me into the person I needed to be in society from what my life had trained me to become. They were actors of a sort but this all did literally happen. I did actually physically murder her. She did die and this prorated everything that was described here. This was done, to step outside the story a little, from spirit. They were masters. Masters who worked, lived and interacted with me and the rest of humanity playing every day people and even it seems people very close to my family. It means they had resources and wealth or that they had established themselves within communities and families in a way that create respect and value for them to create exactly the kind of story I would be living.

More so then this I am being revealed that she was me in that story. She was my twin flame. She put herself into my unconscious story as a story to play out a new story to change me into what I really needed to be. But she on her side entirely self aware of who and what she was. She was not actually as I am in this story, asleep. This was my life in this time period.

Part of the reason that I believe this story is true is because in this life this exact kind of playacting has already been revealed all around me. In my life today I am almost exactly opposite to this version of me. I think we look about the same but my setup reverses his kind of experience. In my life today that change that is occurred is fall in love with who I already am against my programming. I have seen the same kind of masters playing anything from movie stars that I like to characters on tv shows. They have not been outside players one bit. In fact most of what I am even now still discovering is that many close friends, people I dated again and those principle to my heart are in fact players on this stage. This time around it seems I have seen the story physically unwrap itself before me. I have become enough of my true self to see through reality at the definition of what it means to really be christ or a master.

As many have stated this life is the last we’re living as we once did. Something is going to happen very shortly in the story of humanity. Many people have referred to this timing as the end of time or the end of days. The time of judgment. You could say thats been most of our history. But something is definitely coming to a close and in that closing begins a new story.

After the interaction with my twin I began to feel like I was saved and that I had these miraculous people as my friends. A little while after this they all just disappeared but they had told me they were here for me so I did not worry, being comforted by the fact of who they were. But one day I took ill and had to retreat to my bedroom. I did not recover even after much rest. I think I still had one servant looking after me who wanted to bring me into town or to bring a doctor to me. But whatever it was I refused to do anything but stay there and wait for my friends. I was convinced that they would return to save me from the illness so I refused to leave my house and my bed for almost anything. But as time went on and I continued to remain sick and no one came over to me I began to feel a little abandoned. But the amazing things they had revealed stuck with me and I remained right where I was.

Then one night I awoke and saw the woman in my room just a little away from my bed. Still wearing the purple cloak she was dressed in. I think she was smiling at me and I moved toward her. I’m not sure of the interaction at this point only I felt validated finally to see her, like I may have expressed that I knew she would come to help me. But somehow in all of this I ended up looking back at my bed. And there I saw myself still lying there. I had died in my sleep and didn’t realize it. She was there in the afterlife waiting for me.

I thought a lot about this and may have even asked her why she didn’t come back to save me from death. Why did I have to die and move on with it? The answer it seems as far as I understand it was that was necessary for this life. A death was the best way to close what upbringing had so deeply trained negatively in me. It was the reason they didn’t “untrain” me of it and created a murder they could use from behind the scenes to get me to act against that same upbringing. But that upbringing was my nature. It was my structure for how I interacted with the world. It was necessary to “speak the language” so to speak in that life, so I was born and deeply inured with the understanding on very instinctual levels (negatively speaking) of how to handle and live in a negatively oriented humanity with that much affluence at my behest. For whatever reason is still unknown to me I desired the understanding from that perspective of what it is to be a human being.

On further reflection with Sarah she’s telling me now to think about a channel like Darryl Anna channeling Bashar and why in this one life would he take on Darryls life for the purpose of interacting with humans. Very simply, relatability. There has to be a LIFE fully lived in and out, largely from beginning to end with all the drives, motivations and functionality of that level of human experience. In order for that message to connect with people with enough STRONG resonance that it will be heard and put into action in whatever manner it is desired by all concerned to be implemented into the collective momentum of that very expression of humanity. Like this, in my many lives they are meant in a much larger context of having the cooperative agreement with the overall human expression to develop an understanding from negative polarized expression as to what interaction will best constitute a loving co-existence with humanity. Meaning the Yahyel ini their natural alignment with themselves contain such a high frequency, naturally speaking that if we were just to live uniquely onto our own natural expression, without any understanding or consideration for the state of being of the overall human population we would be creating such a complexity of energetic disagreement within the human collective that it would do a severe disservice to all concerned. In plain terms if we did not fully experience human expression negatively our intended natural unity with ourselves would push humanity into a state of further negativity causing unintended disasters of consciousness in them. This is with great love and compassion for the current and previous expression of humanity.

From this point in the story I was a little shocked to see my lifeless body laying there in bed. I think I may have asked her what comes next, but whatever happened she guided me around my home in a way unlike anything I had ever seen. I could see through some of the walls and we ended up at the top of one of the walls I remember from earlier. At this point looking back of it from here the place does look a lot like a castle but like I said I cannot really remember the entire home I lived in. We stood at the top and I think we both flew down to the bottom. I felt alive again like I hadn’t in a long long time. I felt almost as if we were two kids just playing fantastic games in this new experience.

But then it changed. Someone else stepped in who was like a different kind of guide. It was a man I think. He told me that her part in your guidance was finished for now and that I had to move on to other things. This part is very unusual to remember. It comes off much more vaguely then the previous experiences. I think I’m at the bottom of that castle wall and there are other people on the sides of me. They are supposedly entering where I’m going. I felt terrible at leaving her because I felt so great to be a child with her but the seriousness of the situation seemed to demand I listen to what happens next. This man then said she had other agreements or businesses she was to attend to and I was to carry on with my business. I don’t really remember how this happened but I do remember I was shown to a river somewhere on my property. It might have been that stream I saw my twin first standing at. I was given the responsibility to assist these other people in the after life crossing over the stream. I was thinking at the time that this was a penance or some kind of further service I needed to give to other people so that I could develop some kind of goodness I was not expressing in life. I had to do this and so I did.

So every so often I would be at that stream and there would be a number of people I was to help cross that stream. So this went on for quite some time. Every now and then a new traveler with a wife or a daughter or some villager came by and I was to help them across this stream. Every so often I would think about my twin and wonder about what more interesting thing she might be doing. Was she helping other people at much higher levels achieve miracles or something I just wasn’t worthy of yet. I felt truly this was a penance I needed to pay in order that one day I could be with her the right way as a better person. But as my good deed carried on time after time after time eventually I began to wonder how much more of this I was to be doing. As the experience progressed I didn’t really feel like I was bettering myself that this started to feel empty a little and so I called for this man to ask him. I don’t recall specifics here but essentially I wanted to know how long I was to do this? I wanted to know what came next and how this was helping other people. But he got me to ask myself why I was doing this. But I only answered essentially what I was told. I wanted to pay back for my bad deeds in life. I wanted to make amends and do right by myself. I wanted to be better again so that I could see my twin and play happily with her. The question came out sort of like “..do you think that you’ve done that?” But I think I was prompted maybe in fear to respond honestly that I didn’t think I had done anything, I wasn’t feeling changed and I was glad to help others but I felt like maybe I couldn’t see where this was going.

At this point this story also was revealed to be another play, for my benefit… or better put to PLAY out this idea of having to pay things back for misdeeds in life. This man suddenly transformed into my twin. He was girl all along and ironically enough this was the higher work she was away at doing. With some assistance from her friends they all played out a scenario that my guilt felt needed to play. She then revealed was actually no need to pay anything back whatsoever that the simple truth of it was that the worst injury to pay back was that of mine to myself and this play was how we returned to to your true experience. Wouldn’t you rather have been playing with me like we did on the castle? Yes of course I would. But I think you believed our emissary conveying the importance of your tasks in the afterlife. Yes. But it seems we were playing together anyways. So infect there is nothing to pay for, there never was, there never can be. We can play a play of paying for things and create all the necessity for it but there is no life judgement like you think. There is no hell except that believe you need to suffer.

We discussed this and I began to feel lighter and happier and more like a silly child. When I arrived at that expression of myself she told me THIS is really who we are. Like these silly, wild, playful, mischievous children who want to play all day and never do any work. It seems so ridiculous to consider this in contrast with the great weight and seriousness that preceded in this story. Like the ending is like some mischievous child just giggling itself into a higher level of experience. Ok, even writing this I really really like it and think mechanically it is the correct balance to our bloody history of serious hell. But I have no idea if this is actually real. I remember it from my dream and it is somewhat validated in the idea Bashar brings up about enlightenment being about just lightening up. I mean theses kids we essentially become are like the authorities of lightness. Hmm, “light-ness” like love and light. But light, like it is not heavy at all. This experience concludes vaguely with us flying up into the sky and she shows me almost like different colours of where I was that I had never seen before.

I want to cue on the idea Aang from the nickelodeon cartoon Avatar: The Last Airbender. His personality is exactly an epitome of paradoxical enlightenment. He is almost the definition of silliness. He is light, free and hungry for experiences and fun all day long. This is not typically what you’d associate with the seriousness of being an avatar responsible for the fate of his people. But his strength is in that irrepressible childlike happiness at just being alive in the world for its own sake, honestly. He really loves other people not like a chore because he is very deeply human. That also makes him easy to relate and connect to by any other human he interacts with. There is a scene where he is locked away in prison with tough and hardened criminals. But by the next time you see him those criminals are talking to him so emotionally you’d think they’d had a transformation.

Its this lightness that makes him the strength of lightness in a human being. Light by its very nature is not strength at all. It seems a little misleading to call it strength when it is no such thing, it is in every way its opposite. It is like water in a clenched fist, it will just go all over the place and you will need to devise more and more clever devices to contain it. But don’t let it get to hot because it will evaporate right out of that container. it is not strength at all. It is silliness. It is joy. Ease of its own nature. It is energies true natural expression. That is not strength. For then a baby is the strongest of us all. But you cannot say that in terms of many of the adult characteristics. Which now I can clearly see only grow to their desired potential when this innate nature is nurtured for the entirety of our physical expression. That beyond anything else. Of course with a little understanding of the realities of how we’ve developed everything about our lives mostly away from this understanding and even exactly against it. But in nature the earth presents everything we need for a happy healthy existence. It is we who have folded ourselves out of that natural alignment.

Lastly there is another dream that I did have when I was very young about a man on a very unusual bicycle. I mention this because this could put the dream in and around the access to this kind of bicycle in a time frame. The bicycle I saw the man riding was what was called The Penny Fathering Bicycle and was said to have arrived in England in 1870. I don’t know because of the wealth that I had if it was something I could maybe get my hands on before then or maybe it had become a fad that I wanted to partake in. But I do recall I was wearing a brown suit and I think a bowler hat and was ring around what seemed like the side or front of a property with maybe a peddle stone driveway. Just riding nothing else. Like I had just got a new toy as a grown man.

The next time I see related to this was when I think maybe a servant or family member told me that another person of wealth had just purchased the new version of the bicycle and was already training to begin to race it. The person who relayed the message to me I think knew my character perfectly. Because they knew I would take this as a challenge to my status or pride or something and I immediately made arrangements to purchase that new bicycle which by this point was now more similar today’s modern bicycles. I also recall there was in fact a race set up between me an my gentlemen competitor. This was a more mature me at this point and seems to have somewhere in my mission to better myself and do good works. It seems I had utilized my competitiveness to increase the kind of philanthropy I was involved in to make it much more effective. In fact it was so much that way I became known for making things much better then most would have made them. I get the feeling I would almost push people to achieve things positively knowing negatively what could be accomplished. And so that competitiveness seems to have had another positive philanthropist who was also wealthy and maybe competed with me in terms of what we could achieve positively for the people. This then led to this bicycle race. Remembering this to me almost feels like it was a movie I once saw, but I know that I never seen anything like this before. This would have had to have been a big budget epic movie in order to make it work. But too many of the scenes are far too vivid and clear to be any movie that I could have seen growing up. Maybe today or in the last twenty to thirty years but I’ve been so fascinated with movies in that time I would have remembered something so important. Not to mention the dream I had about the Penny farthing bicycle and the man in top hat both took place when I was in grade school. That means it was in the 1980’s sometime. But if it was the grain of film stock that was used at that time would have left a more distinctive visual impression then I had. That only leaves this as some kind of dream. But as I have said previously I have had a very strong interest in specifically the kind of implements of a lifestyle in this time period. The Victorian Era takes place specifically from about 1837 to 1901. This bicycle marks this experience specifically in that time frame.

I don’t think I won the race and I can imagine I was very upset about it.