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A conversation between friends <3

by Chase Whitney about a year ago in fantasy

Please read to the end :)

All ofLife is a reflection

Devil: I am completely spineless. 
You see, I am not the hero, even as much I want to be,   I’m not. And I recognize what is heroic and I just can't do it, no matter how much I want to. Like, it is right there. The awareness is always there and my courage fails me, almost always at least.


Koa: So you have been heroic then...


Devil: I have at least a few times, yes. But I don’t know if those are actually legitimate. 


Koa: And how do you relate to those experiences now?


Devil: I don’t know. I feel mixed, and confused. 


Koa: Will you tell me about one of those experiences?



Devil: Yes, I will.
The one that comes to mind more than anything else is a situation in LA. 


So basically, I was staying in an affluent neighborhood with some friends and liked to spend most of my time roaming around the city. And one night I decided to walk to the top of the neighborhood and see what was up there. So after a while I came to the end of the highest cul de sac, (It was a dope neighborhood though, I have to say), and I found a dirt path with the wooden beam-like steps up and around the biggest mansion that towered above all the others. Oh and this is at 10 at night by the way, so it was dark out. Anyway I got to the top of the hill and found people up there, which honestly surprised me.


Koa: Why did it surprise you?


Devil: I just was not expecting to find anyone else. Looking back it makes perfect sense though. It was a dope view and I have no doubt that all the local kids knew of it. 
So anyway, I get up there and was feeling pretty excited about having found this new spot. So I did something I don’t usually do and talked with the other people on this hill. And craaaaazy enough they turned out to be friendly. And so we are all talking, myself and these four other guys around my age. One of them offers me a sip from some dark alcohol that escapes my memory and looking back I didn’t really want to drink, but it was nice to feel included, you know, so I had some. And while we were all hanging out and talking I noticed a pretty prominent social structure existing between these three friends. 
I ended up talking with all three individually and collectively and on a deep and almost subconscious level, I found that I enjoyed talking with the shyer, quieter kid most. Despite that though, I ended up talking to what I would call the most aggressively “in-charge” guy the most. It was a civil conversation, don't get me wrong, but we arrived at a fundamental disagreement that ultimately ended the conversation. That is to say, we sort of got to the point were we both realized that there was not much left to say to the other person. Personally, I found his perspective to be dull and dry, comparable to a cake baked with too much flour.  His pessimism counterbalanced my optimism into a stalemate, a sort of cats game type of scenario. 
And at this point I felt like being alone with myself again, so I sought solitude and achieved personal distance. And after a while, the four friends get up to leave. Other people around my age have found their way to the hill at this point and I'm just sitting there by myself looking at the city, absorbed in self observed rapport. And as these four friends started to leave, I noticed something that grabbed my attention. It was all normal, whatever, but before dipping out the “in-charge” one goes “yo watch this” and snags this random girls’ purse from the ground where she left it while she was hooking up with one of her other group-mates in the bushes (not slut shaming either person (btw)by the way)). So these three dudes walk down the hill, and everything is completely normal as if nothing had happened. No one noticed but me.  
And I recognize that someone stealing another’s personal belongings is not the worst thing that has ever happened to someone, especially given that this person left their shit on the ground, around no-one. But still, I remember having this incredibly tangible thought about how a decision had to be made at that moment, by me, and how this decision would affect the rest of my life. How I would always remember this decision, how this decision would be a deciding factor in how I would shape my future, in how I would regard myself. And for what felt like literal eternity I questioned this decision. And I don’t know ultimately how I made my choice, but I found myself seconds later at these guys' car, talking to the same “in-charge” alpha bro driving what I can only assume was his mom’s minivan, asking him to return the purse that was at this point now sitting on the floor of the drivers’ seat, you know by the gas pedal? 


Koa: Okay, yeah sure.


Devil: I feel super uncomfortable at this point by the way, knees weak, voice high pitched and making the synonymous sound to when a violin bow lacks confidence and experience and is dragged across the strings timidly. Anyway, as I am asking this person to return what is not his, I realize I am trying to come up with reasons he should return the purse. I am basically saying the same thing over and over, almost like Im pleading with him to just listen and return it. It wasn’t really about the purse though, it felt more so like begging him to just be a kind human. And after what again felt like an infinite amount of time in pointless social exchange, he turns to his buddies and says “lets f*cking jump this guy”. 
I hear this and am instantly like screw that, so as his back is turned to his buddies in the backseat, I steal the stolen item. I steal the stolen item.


Koa: Why did you say that twice?


Devil: Dramatic effect mostly :). But also I find the irony amusing and I think it says a lot about who I am as a person.


Koa: Let’s come back to that.


Devil: Okay, anyway, as I'm running off, back up the hill with the wooden cubically board-like stairs set in the dirt path, I feel the most interesting combination of fear and elation. And I want to stop and yell back “screw you” but I dont turn around, or rather cannot. Ultimately I was too scared. So basically I then find myself sitting with this new group, one I haven’t spoken to yet, and it feels like my mind and heart are not in this dimension anymore. I sit down beside them, partly because I'm afraid those guys will run up the hill after me and partly because I need to give back the purse to the girl in this group. Really though I just don't want to be alone. Anyway, I give the girl’s purse back to the people in her group. The funny thing is that her group, and this girl with whom the purse belongs have no idea that the purse was stolen in the first place. So I show up, give back her purse and don't really explain why I have it, so they just become confused. And I ask if I can sit with them, something I also typically do not do. And the most prominent thing I remember about the rest of the night is that despite the fact that I was extremely grateful I made the decision I did, I felt completely alienated from the people who I decided to help. 
I recognize that I created the alienation that I felt in that situation, but it was especially strange to feel the familiarity of reality after experiencing the elation of heroism. The contrast was so extreme that my actions only a few minutes prior, almost instantly, began to feel incredibly stupid.


Koa: So what was it that turned you off from continuing to be heroic?


Devil: I am not sure exactly but I think a big part of it was the shock of social disappointment I experienced. I know that I needed to do what I did, I mean that's why I decided to act in alignment with my intuition. I knew I’d regret it if I had chosen to ignore what happened. Selfishly, I made my decision to appease myself in that way, to decide based only on the necessity to reconcile my own inner conflict. And I wasn’t expecting a thank you or anything, I mean like I said, I didn’t really even explain why this girl’s purse was in my possession. But still, it feels like I was proud of myself until I created a social connection with the group I gave the purse back to, like I was happy alone until other people became a part of the picture. Looking back, beyond my own inner compulsion to do what I felt was right, it just simply did not feel worth it to put myself at that much risk. So I don't know, I'm conflicted about it. Koa, I need you to understand that I want to be the person who always does what feels right, no matter how risky. But Im not.


Koa: It's a process, and remember that there is inherent risk in every-thing we decide to do. We have the power to choose which risks we expose ourselves to.  You will get better at finding that courage and standing up for what you believe in. Fear is a role that takes place in every single person’s life. Allow yourself to not have to always exceed your expectations. Allow yourself to be imperfect, to be human. As individuals we can have incredibly high ideals and fall short of them constantly. That does not mean that our efforts are a waste or that we are a failure, it only means that we have more room to grow. There will almost always be a disparity between who we are and who we strive to be. And thats a fucking great thing. If we become that person we aim to be, in its entirety, that means that we have nothing left to do, nowhere left to grow. We can always improve, infinitely. And I know you know this, but let yourself be as you are, acknowledge that there are better ideals to strive for, and that even if you aren't able to always be who you hope to be, you are in the process of getting there. 


Devil: You’re right, but you make it sound too fucking easy. It’s always easier said than done.


Koa: Of course it is.


Devil: Do you ever feel split, or lost or confused, or conflicted?


Koa: Mmm. 
I had a dream, maybe a week ago, and in this dream I was myself. I was surrounded by amazing people. Love, peace, and tranquility were tangible parts of the atmosphere. It felt simply amazingly chill, really. The night before (not a part of the dream,) I was talking with friends about catastrophic events that would cause shifts in the general and global consciousness, effectively creating peace from a chaotic event, (see the plot of “Watchmen” for an example). Anyway, I believe that conversation affected my subconscious and gained new precedence in the manifestation of my peaceful dream. In the dream, a catastrophic event like the one alluded to above occurred. Although I am unsure on what scale this event took place, I do know that it radically changed my perception of what was going on. All of a sudden the scene shifted to a dark, semi-abandoned and fairly expansive concrete building; something I consider a desolate, darkly ominous parking structure at night to be. I was still me, alone, and was illuminating my immediate surroundings from what seemed like the light emanating from my own soul. While I was walking around I remember feeling fine, not scared, but moreso curious as to what was currently taking place. It was dystopian-ish, though I still felt as if I were in the tranquil dream. I remember seeing people running past me in terror, paying no attention to the fact that I was there and was visibly calm enough to think rationally. Anyway, all of  sudden, a person comes out of the pitch black and into my line of sight. I remember looking into this man’s eyes to ask “what’s going on?” All this person does is cock his head slightly and smile, and it sort of shocks me out of tranquility. You see, at this point in time doubt has just permeated my dream. Why is this man this calm, he almost seems happy. Do I have anything to fear from him, is he the reason why people were fleeing in frenzy? And as I see this person I come to realize that I am this man. Surely though it is a different version of me. This man is not me, I AM me. 
I notice that this man has color all over his face and his plastered, grotesque, genuine smile forces dissimilarity. But there is no question, I am looking into the eyes of my own presence. And just when I think things will be alright because of this realized self recognition, this person, in a fraction of a moment, lunges at me and goes straight for the back of my spine.
And I feel his energy. I feel the absolute joy that this man exudes; joy and ecstasy of unquestionable chaos and destruction. And I experience the truest sense of instant fear that I have quite possibly ever experienced, ever. Idk what happened next, but I believe that this dream portrayed my two dichotomous natures. It allowed me to understand that I was split, conflicted. And after showing both extremes, the two energies seemed to combine, only continuing to illustrate that I do truly contain both aspects in me, that every person does. 


Devil: So why do we all have such intolerance for each other’s schisms?


Koa: Why do you seemingly have so much intolerance for your own?


Devil: Hah, good point.


Koa: I want to ask you a question.


Devil: Alright, go ahead.


Koa: What is it about the fact that you exist as a dichotomous entity that creates so much pain?


Devil: Great question, but I don't know! I just feel messed up, like I can't make sense of myself. Like I'm trying to place a square peg in a round hole. I feel misunderstood by everyone. I feel like I misunderstand myself and it tears me apart. 


Koa: Will feeling understood help you feel whole?


Devil: Idk, but I think so. 


Koa: Okay, so imagine for a moment holding two completely contradictory ideas together as if they were both one seamlessly cohesive creation. Think of anything, go ahead, try it for a moment.
There are an infinite number of contradictions that exist, for every ‘thing” has its seeming opposite. At the same time though, when perceived in a certain way, all differences are rectified and  mesh together as part of an oppositional singularity. In fact I want to read you Alex Grey’s poem on “Polar Unity”. So, he says: 
“Spirit is Nothing and Everything.


Spirit, God, or Primordial Awareness, free and liberated from all separateness, is the boundless transcendent ground of Nothingness. 


In the Primordial void of Nothingness we abide as Spirit, Godself, Whole and One, boundless and beyond time, beyond birth/death, male/female, light/dark, beyond all separateness and opposition. 


Infinite Love is co-extensive with the Void, pregnant with pure possibility, birthing 


All Creation to enact the dramatic experiment of time and the complex orders of multidimensionality inherent in manifestation. 


All beings and things, events, and ideas manifest as the evolving expression of the Absolute.


The Evolving Manifest Order of Simultaneously Arising Phenomena is the Creation of Spirit, and awakening to our part in the whole and the wholeness of our part is the Path of Spirit. 


Why does Transcendental Spirit manifest from boundless emptiness to the created imminent occurring?

Spirit is an Artist, a Creator, and the Manifest Order is the ultimate work of art, an unfinished ongoing masterpiece. 
The mind, or consciousness, divides the occurring Kosmos into polarities.


The primary division of Kosmos into self and other, or self and non-self, is necessary to mind, yet is the basis of the delusion of separateness, aloneness, alienation, and suffering.


We mentally cut ourselves off from the Continuum in which we arise.


Love is the glue that binds together the Continuum.


All opposites secretly Love each other.”


Devil: Wait a sec. What does that actually even mean?


Koa: I can only provide my personal perception. To understand those words to the fullest you’d have to ask Alex Grey himself. Either way though this is my interpretation:
Let's use an example of the idea and concept of perfection. Perfection is a word that has no inherent meaning besides what we prescribe to it, yes? That is to say, perfection means only what the user of the word chooses to define it as. Another way of saying that is multiple meanings can be given to what the perception of perfection is. For example, some people may believe specific things, like a child or the Mona Lisa, to be perfect in and of themselves. Others may disagree and have other ideas of what constitutes perfection. Personally, I believe that everything in existence is perfect the way it is, as it is. But you see, this is where disparity arises, because theoretically, if everything is perfect, at the same time nothing is. They are two sides of the same coin and we have the power to choose where we place our power of personal belief. 


Devil: Okay


Koa: Let me clarify with another example. I am me, my own person, experiencing my own existence, yet spiritual sages and those who have dissolved the disparity of separation have explained for ages that we are all one. So the question becomes if I am having an individual existence, how am I able to maintain that if I am everyone else. If I really am a part of the expansive Oneness, the Godself, Spirit, Whole and One then I am not me because that boundary between what I am and what everything else is, disappears. Like a raindrop that falls into the ocean, it still exists as what it is, but becomes an indistinguishable part of something much greater. Both still exist though, I can have a separate identity and be a part of everything else at the same time. And the path of spirit is learning this for ourselves and learning our part in connection to everything else that exists. 


Devil: Okay, so like how the leaf, even if it believes itself to be a separate entity, is still a part of the tree?


Koa: Exactly! It is the tree! Time operates the same way. Both past and future are real entities, but only because they are generated out of our human perception. And despite the fact that to us they are very real, they do not actually exist because all time is always ever happening constantly in the now. 
And the idea of perfection is again the same. Ultimately, it doesn't really matter what perfection is. Because everything will more or less be as it is regardless of the interpretation given to it. But belief does hold power, and we are given the ability to utilize that. I choose to believe everything is perfect because it allows me to see the world with more gratitude, and imbued with more beauty. 


Devil: Gotcha, but that still doesn't really explain what that poem was about. 


Koa: Essentially, I believe it to mean that because of the multidimensionality that is inherent in life, because we experience the polarities of life, we experience division of active participation in life’s ongoing masterpiece. As you noted, it makes us feel conflicted, lost, misunderstood. To be connected and involved in life is such a huge contributing factor in the evolving expression of the Absolute from which we arise, meaning, to be a part of life helps give purpose and meaning to it. Despite the fact that this concept extends far beyond that notion, we are co-creators of the entire collective dream. The Path of Spirit seeks connection and unity with the Continuum. And Love is the key to doing that. 


Devil: Have you ever actually experienced love?


Koa: Yes, I have, though love is a word that contains a large amount of variability. It depends on what you mean. 


Devil: I have also, though I know that there's more out there to experience, you know?


Koa: There are different kinds of love out there.


Devil: Ya, I guess so.
Okay, Koa, I have another question.


Koa: Alright, go ahead.


Devil: Why is simply being alive so difficult?


Koa: Ahh, great question.


Devil: ...do you have an answer?


Koa: I do, but like almost every other answer, it is relative. What I mean to say is that it differs from person to person. An old philosopher believed that the intangible force of Love was the thing that held everything together while the force of strife was the thing that pulled everything apart. I like that idea and I think it applies here well. When we embrace and live with the binding force of love, we bring together what we need to be whole. Oftentimes that thing we need in order to continue living is as simple as an easiness of life, a sort of peace of mind. On the other hand, living in alignment with strife seems to conjure destruction with greater intensity, leading to life being as difficult as it sometimes is. Some people struggle excessively from trauma, others from a lack of connection, and on and on. I think living is such a difficult thing because there are so many different ways that people experience the world, and in all that individuality and uniqueness, as beautifully amazing as that is, it forces people to have to deal with their own set of unique challenges predominantly by themselves. Of course we can all help one another by walking alongside each other and offering our aid, but unless you walk the path yourself, the challenges will remain vigilant and pervasive and will not go away until they are faced, accepted and understood. And unfortunately, we humans have yet to learn how to build a world that encourages people's differences and uniqueness. It seems that because we have so little tolerance and understanding around the variety of life’s challenges on an individual level, we actively call forth the force of strife. It is almost like we force eachother to struggle unconnected and unaccompanied. We are afraid of each other and this process. 
Even if you have had a connection with someone who has not experienced your struggles first hand, try to remember how it felt when that person met you with empathy and understanding. Even at that basic of a level, the mutual recognition of the sui generis nature of struggle creates an environment of support, even between just two people. And now imagine if we could all do that on a national scale. Roman Krznaric puts it this way, “empathy is the art of stepping imaginatively into the shoes of another person, understanding their feelings and perspectives, and using that understanding to guide your actions”. I believe the world would be a much more pleasant place if we all had a little more empathy for one another and the things we all go through in one way or another. 


Devil: Ya, you’re right. The way most of us treat each other is pretty messed up. It feels like people would rather cause others more pain and make their struggles harder to deal with in an effort to proclaim their own opinions before ever trying to understand how those opinions could affect others in different circumstances than their own. 
You know what's really messed up? And I feel like people have no idea how much this influences their lives.


Koa: No, what? 


Devil: That we cause each other so much fear. That we allow people to govern us, (and I feel like we do this to ourselves mostly), that dictate unnecessary terrible tropes that affect the individual on a massive scale. It seems like so many people are afraid of feeling afraid, that they shove that fear onto anyone in the vicinity. It doesn’t lessen the feeling, it only perpetuates it and ripples out to more and more people. I believe it all starts at the individual level.


Devil: We are all individuals :) So many people forget this, myself included, of course. It is almost like we look at spirituality upside down and inverse out. Because the way I see it is that at my spiritual core I already know what I am; one, with everything else, with all people, with friends and with enemies, that there is no distinction between myself and everything else... But my earthy self, this body I inhabit is unique because it doesn't know I am One. It still feels separate from my spiritual core. 
I am
One of the hardest concepts I have faced and begun to understand.
In learning all that I have, I have gained so much from every experience. I have evolved and excelled beyond what I thought was possible. I recognize that the creative learning process is infinite.
One's perception of the self, often times to an extensively large degree, dictates the world in which that self lives. Like the law of attraction, each individual becomes a creator in their individual paradigm, which then affects the collective dream, as the Toltecs say, that we all share. The internal world, when given precedence over external influences, becomes the governing factor into what is directly experienced. As an example and as I'm sure you're aware, when you focus on gratitude, positivity becomes more prevalent and accessible. The inverse however, is true as well.
What perhaps many people miss in the role of active creator of one's reality is the notion of the dark side of the law of attraction. Focusing on hatred, strife, and annoyance most usually breeds the same. While everything is One, things can be split ad infinitum, creating multiple realities that may appear to be in opposition. An example of this is temperature; how in and of itself temperature is only a sliding scale with only fluid cohesion separating man made increments. What I mean by that is despite the fact that two opposing temperatures may appear drastically different to our senses, the only real difference between them is our own interpretation and separation for the purpose of classification. All things are part of the inseparable whole and we are the ones who create distinction and division from that whole. And by manifesting one aspect, one manifest's the contrast as well because it's all connected and part of the same thing. According to the law of attraction, what you're focused on, what you're frequency and energy is expressing creates the direct correlation to what you get back.
So, what happens when an individual manifest's darker aspects? What happens when an individual manifest's death? and chaos? And destruction?
 Coming from personal experience, I have found that having a hyper focus on anxiety led to an external reality that mirrored my attention. I found myself experiencing things and events that confirmed my emotional/psychological/mental/spiritual state. Things that were not the most fun to experience.
Now as individuals, we have the choice to choose our reality based on the expression of our internal world. One can find peace of heart and peace of mind even when all other freedoms and liberties are taken away. That is not to say it is easy, but gratitude can be found in any circumstance, and in doing so, in letting the internal narrative become dominant, external circumstances become less powerful.
All of this is only meant to be a friendly reminder to give more attention to our internal selves. To be more conscious of the world that we are creating for ourselves. We often hold more influence in our lives than we realize.


You choose what you are.


fantasy

Chase Whitney

philosophy is art is magick is love is everything else. I aim to explore it all.

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