103

November 1, 2018

This year I've reached the epitome of adulthood, and yet I feel unfulfilled. Unlike my male counterparts, I suffer from something called the confidence gap. It has plagued women like me for far too long. Most of us graduated at the top of our class, or literally pushed ourselves off the edge of a cliff, to achieve what men can with just a snap of the finger. Now, before this turns into a feminist mashup, let me remind you that I've been told countless times by my colleagues, women and men alike, that if I were a man I'd be a threat to society. I've always excelled at anything I touch because my work ethic resembles that of the energizer bunny. I also don't take kindly to the word "no" and in my profession I don't believe it should even exist.

Being a scientist, in my opinion, means exploring and nurturing the impossible. As Icarus once said, and as well as my father, "All limits are self-imposed". If I ever questioned my position amongst my peers, in my studies ,or in my work that quote would replay in my mind a thousand times over. Sometimes, under my breath, I would blurt it out whenever I felt anxious. However, this mindset would set the tone for a string of events to follow that even I didn't know to be feasible.

It was July 10, 2017 when my life took a turn for what I thought would be the start of an internal decline, I turned 30. What should have been such a pivotal moment in my life was laced with the fear of dying before I completed my life's work. Even though my job paid me a staggering 250k a year, I was still on the cusp of changing how women were perceived. And to top it all, my younger sister Annabelle had come into an inheritance, given to her by an art dealer she fell in love with. The funds to be bestowed upon her would put John Jacob Astor's fortune to shame, but here's the kicker, out of her millions she gives me, her older sister, a pat on the back and 20k. I raised her! I devoted my life to her ever since our parents died. Although, I shouldn't be surprised, since she never even thanked me for putting aside my goals and aspirations to keep her out of foster care. Love surely hides a multitude of faults, but it gives me a pause that she could do this to me without so much as a second thought.

November 3, 2018

Like a confessional, this little black book has been a shrine to house my accomplishments as well as my failures. Since I last wrote, I have successfully figured out how to become invisible to the naked eye. I Elizabeth Gaynor, have done the impossible. It was difficult to navigate, but over the past 5 years I've learned more from trial and error than I did in my early years at MIT. Becoming invisible puts me in control of what happens around me and forces others to bend to my will without knowing. It's part of the reason why I became a scientist.

Shortly after my sister Annabelle gifted me 20k, I requested to work remotely. It was then that I began performing experiments on myself in my lab at home. And rather than wait for government approval or my team, I completed a year's work over the course of a couple weekends. The only problem with my haste makes waste approach is that I couldn't revert back to my normal self . I tried over and over again only to look in the mirror and not find a single trace of my reflection. At first, I panicked, and then I laughed harder than I ever have, because here I am, a 30-year-old woman, standing in front of a mirror, crying hysterically, while holding a lowball glass filled to the brim with Hibiki 30 whisky, and I couldn't see myself ! Count Dracula would have been proud to witness that a mere mortal achieved what he could only in death.

Barnaby, my cat, wasn't frightened by me at all. He still caressed my legs and meowed to get my attention. Animals are thoughtful that way, they don't care what you look like or who you are just as long as you love them. I continued to jot down some potential solutions when it hit me that I had to come up with a concoction that would act as my second skin. A week passed and I managed to formulate a type of polymer that would enable me to walk amongst people in broad daylight. To fit it to my body I uploaded the scan I took of myself before undergoing the experiment, and then I began working on a vessel that would spray the proper amount of formula as it circled around me. This took a while since I'm no mechanic, but Youtube is remarkable.

November 12, 2018

To my surprise, on Nov. 12th 2017, I received a call from my sister. She wanted to know if she could come over but I insisted she didn't because I felt ill. While she went on a rant about how fabulous her life was now, it occurred to me that I could conjure up the sweetest revenge against her. Prior to us getting off the phone she said she was going to spend one last night in her old house before the movers came the next morning, so I decided to pay her a little visit that evening .

When the clock hit 11 pm I was in the car on my way to see Annabelle. Thankfully, there wasn't a soul on the road, so I didn't have to worry about curious onlookers. I parked the car approximately 10 minutes away to avoid being noticed. When I arrived I checked to see if any of the doors were open to gain entry to the house. There wasn't a door but I did manage to find an unlocked window . All the lights were on upstairs and by the looks of her blonde hair swaying in the bay, so was she. Once inside, I grabbed some glass she had packed up in the pantry and threw it across the room. She lived in an old Victorian home and her bedroom was directly above the kitchen, so I knew it would catch her by surprise. I heard her start to walk down the stairs slowly, so I threw another glass, however, this time she could see the glass fly past her.

I don't know what came over me, but in that moment all the anger I felt towards her flooded my thoughts, and I couldn't help but envision her demise. I rushed to grab a shard of glass before she had the chance to sprint up the stairs. And right before I ended it all she shouted my name. I don't know how she managed to know who I was when I never spoke... I was invisible. What I do know is that she is no longer a stark reminder of everything I hated. Annabelle was gone for good.

Although, I was unaware that this feeling of triumph would have to be felt from inside an insane asylum. It's been a year since the death of my sister and I honestly can't complain. I sleep much more sound because I don't feel the need to compete with anyone. The only thing that trips me up a bit are these group sessions where they look at me as if they know exactly where I am in the room. Otherwise, in here I'm known as patient 103, a legend, and my all time favourite, the invisible woman.