You have a message on the machine.
two dogs and a cheeseburger
Peducah, Kentucky. 1983. A green light flashing on an answering machine. A pretty little finger with manicured nail presses play.
“Linda……Pick up…come on…..dammit….I know you’re there, Linda. Come on…….
PICK UP THE PHONE!
(little dog yaps in background)
Come on…Okay…I’m gonna count to three and you don’t pick up that damn phone, you aint seein my dogs again…I wont let ya…...come on, Linda…you know you love these dogs. I don’t know what little Mojo would do if he never got to see you again…come on. ….ONE……….come on, don’t do this….TWO…come on, baby…please don’t let me say three, Linda……dammit, Linda PICK UP!....Don’t do me this way, baby.…I swear, if you don’t PICK UP THIS PHONE!!!
THREE!
(dog yaps twice )
Linda…..Linda?..... LINDA!!!!
You sitting there listening, Linda?…You screening calls making me look stupid, laughing at me with your girlfriends? Please baby...PICK UP THE PHONE!!
Look, I’m readin this note ... What does “need to find myself” mean, Linda? YOU AND YOURSELF are right there, Linda!! …uhhhhh…. Where the hell does “suffocated and lonely” come from, Linda? Suffocated? …I know I get jealous….I mean ….look…. I won’t do like Thursday night again…okay? …..I know you like to go out with the girls…I ain’t got no problem with that…I would have appreciated a call if you were coming home that late…. You know I'm on morning shift and if I wake up and you're not by me , baby, I get worried , cant get back to sleep aint worth half a shit the next day….
(Two yaps, from different little dog)
I mean, you know what happened with Cheryl… I ain’t comparing you to her Linda, I know you hate that...I ain’t got to worry about you runnin off with no horse trainer…riding lessons…that son-of- A- BITCH!! You know how much I was paying for her ridin lessons, Linda? Did I EVER TELL YOU HOW MUCH I WAS PUTTIN OUT JUST SO SHE COULD HUMP SOME HORSEWHISPERING SON-of A--….?
Sorry…sorry…I know you ain’t her and she ain’t you…but dammit ever since then, I just….I guess it’s my... or maybe the medication…remember? Remember I told you the doctor said it could affect my mood? I can try a different prescription baby, I mean... maybe it’s a little bit about you always itching to do things with your friends…. But you know, I get lonely , too, Linda…ever since Cheryl went off and …I just cant find it in my heart to trust someone else with all I got….I told you that… remember?…Im workin on it, Linda. ..I am..I mean... …shit …Linda…come on…this don’t seem right, talkin to a machine…spilling my guts to a damn MACHINE!!! LINDA!!!!
(little dog in background yaps at other little dog who yaps back)
What the…..(muffled aside)MOJO!!! Put that DOWN!….Dammit! That’s MY dinner you three-legged scamp! Aww….look! look! Look at this mess! (two yaps) Awwww man… (louder, back into receiver) Its ruined! DINNER IS RUINED! Get on outta here!
SEE Linda, the dogs are already going piss-crazy cause you aint here…
(four consecutive dog yaps—growling in background)
MOJO!!!!....dammit…MOJO!!! he just ate half my burger, Linda… and know what? Spirit pissed on the carpet this afternoon because YOU weren’t here to let him out…that ‘s my grandmother’s carpet, Linda… The red one…you know what that thing is worth? And how much do you think it’s worth smelling like dog piss, Linda? YOU SEE…YOU SEE?!… aww, it aint your fault…I know…but
Leaving a note?.. .. is this how you do things? .(muffled aside, yelling) MOJO DAMMIT !!! MOJO! PUT IT DOWN! PUT IT DOWN!!
(yap, yap.....yap, yap yap)
There goes THE REST of my burger.. You SEE!!! You SEE!!! ... it ain’t right. This place is a mess, Linda! MY heart is a mess, baby.
Okay…okay…I know it ain’t your fault. I mean I come home and the piss stain and this note…”intellectually incompatible”? I know you don’t like my TV shows.…you know I got to unwind, Linda…I tried reading that book like you suggested…is that it? Cause I don’t like to read? (sarcastically) The Great Gastby? Linda, I made to end of the first chapter and nothing happened but long blathering about dinner and some dude reaching out for a green light…what the hells is that ? Am I missing something, Linda? Shadows and docks? Is that what “intellectuals” read about? huh?
(both dogs yapping now, no reason, just yapping that continues even after you're done reading this story)
What is it? Its Kathy, ain't it? Kathy been talkin to ya again? You KNOW she ain't happy Linda…running around in her yoga clothes…that woman ain’t right Linda…you know it. How many boyfriends does she have? Like seven?
I thought things were good, baby…you seemed happy…..was it all a big act? That’s it…huh?….A big fancy act so you could runoff first chance you get… I mean, after four months, you just leaving a damn…. (Beeeeeeeep).
About the Creator
Heath Hardin
teacher,
father,
songwriter : I record as Olds Sleeper
poet
furniture maker
living in Pennsylvania.
loving life.
www.oldssleeper.bandcamp.com
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