You Didn't Know

You will never know.

You thought you had it figured out. You watched your child - your son - sleeping. You thought that he was your purpose.

After your wife passed away just after giving birth, you decided that he would be your everything - your very meaning of life. You climbed out of your pit of despair with bloody fingers, only to be trapped in a new one with endless crying, midnight bottles, and bags full of dirty diapers. And yet you persevered.

You took an online job just to care for him in those early years.

Oh, there were good moments too. His giggle. His surprised expression when he passed gas. His first steps. The moments when he fell asleep on your chest while you watched a game.

You poured every bit of love you had into him, trying hard not to blame him for the death of his mother.

In his teens, his rebellion amped up, testing your very fortitude.

You continued to tell him you loved him, even after he got caught shoplifting snacks. You hugged him even after you noticed missing beer and then whiskey. You told him you'd find him help when you found needles in his room. You did everything you could.

You thought you had it figured out.

You will never know why he committed suicide.

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Author's note: If you or someone you love needs help, dial 988, The Suicide and Crisis Hotline.