You Can't Go Home Again

The warm spring breeze felt amazing coming through the open window of the carriage as it creaked and rolled down the long dirt road. It felt so good to be outside of the hospital. The months of long hours cooped up in dark rooms had begun to take its toll on Howard. It seemed nearly every minute of his time was filled by some aspect of his work but he didn’t regret the exhaustion that came with it. How many young doctors could say they were heading the formation of a brand new department in medicine? It was an honor that made his head swim if he pondered the thought for too long. He was thankful for the break and the opportunity to come home and visit his family. He had been so deeply involved in his work the last few years he had barely seen them.

The carriage rounded the last bend and Howard leaned his head out and saw his family home come into view. As the sight of his childhood home filled his eyes he was awash in memories. The stresses of his professional life fell away and his spirits were at once lifted. He couldn’t wait for the horse's slow pace any longer and he jumped from the moving carriage and sprinted the rest of the distance. His mother spotted him through the window and came out to the porch to greet him, wiping flour from her hands onto a towel she then draped over her shoulder.

“Howard!” she exclaimed and rushed to embrace him.

“Mother!” he replied as he hugged her tightly. “How I’ve missed you! How is father? Where is everyone?”

“Your father is on his way back from town, your brother should be arriving shortly with Rebecca. Your grandfather is taking a short nap before supper. Go get settled and cleaned up! I’ve fixed up your room for you. Dinner will be in a couple hours, we have a couple surprise guests for you. When word got around you would finally be visiting I had to borrow extra chairs for the table haha.”

“I cannot wait. I’ve been looking forward to your cooking for weeks. I haven’t found anyone in all of Baltimore that can hold a candle to your cooking.” he said as he packed his suitcase into the house.

He emerged from his room an hour later to a cacophony of voices and bustling as the guests were arriving and places were being set on the table. Banging and clattering from the kitchen filled the air as did wonderous smells of foods he remembered from long ago but knew so well.

He was greeted by his father and brother in the living room. His father added logs to the fire in the fireplace as the warm spring air cooled in the dwindling evening sunlight.

“Howie, how are things in the big city?” his brother asked.

“Busy. I’ve barely time to notice the changing of the seasons,” he laughed. “How are you Stephen? Where is Rebecca?”

“She’s around somewhere. Helping mother in the kitchen I think. We are well. Very well in fact. Hard at work on the farm, each year’s crop bigger than the last.”

There was a knock at the door and Howard’s father looked up and smiled at Howard before going to answer it. A mischievous smile. Steven looked at Howard and gave him an equally mischievous smile.

“What are you two up to?” Howard asked suspiciously.

“Oh nothing, nothing at all,” said Steven with a smirk unconvincingly.

Howard’s father ushered the newcomers into the living room. “Pastor Rantallion you remember Howard,” he said as the tall, severe looking man reached to shake Howard’s hand.

“Of course, Howard.” He said while shaking his hand firmly. “It’s been quite awhile. I do hope you have found a Church to your liking in Baltimore.”

“Yes, well uh-” Howard stammered.

His father, much to Howard’s relief, interrupted and said “And this is Rosemary, the pastor’s daughter.” As he said this the loveliest creature Howard’s eyes had ever rested on came around from behind her father and smiled bashfully at him as he bent to kiss her hand.

“Rosemary.. I am extremely delighted to meet you.” Howard said with a look of awe dripping from his face.

At that moment Howard’s mother emerged from the kitchen and announced that supper was ready and invited everyone to come sit at the table. As Howard’s father ushered the minister and his daughter towards the dining room Howard turned to his brother who gave him a knowing look and a wink.

“Can’t stay a bachelor forever mister fancy doctor,” he said in a low voice only the two could hear.

Dinner

The long candlelit table in the dining room was full of steaming plates of various foods radiating out around the main dish centered in the table, a large baked ham sliced and flayed open like a giant pink flower. Seated were Howard’s mother and father, Stephen and his wife Rebecca, the minister and his daughter the lovely Rosemary, Howard’s maternal grandfather Chester and finally Howard.

Howard’s father, who would normally bless the meal, deferred to the minister for the prayer. As the plates were being passed around Howard caught the eye of Rosemary who quickly looked down and turned very red while seeming to suppress the tiniest smiles. Howard in turn also turned red, although a somewhat lighter shade. Feeling his ears turn flush Howard straightened in his seat and cleared his throat.

“Grandfather, it is so nice to see you, have mother and father been treating you well,” said Howard to Chester.

“EH!!?” shouted his grandfather so loudly that Rosemary jumped in her seat.

“I said have mother and father been treating you well,” Howard said much more loudly this time.

“WHAT’S THAT YOU SAY?” screamed Chester. This time Rosemary was bracing for it and managed to hold her position.

“Your grandfather has trouble hearing these days Howard,” his mother said in a low voice that seemed completely unnecessary.

“He seems to have gotten somewhat proficient at reading lips, you may try that son,” his father said while peeling off a large section of ham and dropping it on his plate with a splat.

“Father! Look who it is! Howie has come to visit!” his mother shouted into the old man’s ear. Who looked up and seemed to notice Howard for the first time.

“WHAT IN THUNDERATION? HOWARD! HOW IS THE BIG SHOT DOCTOR DOING?” the old man wailed.

“I’m doing very well grandpa!!!!!” Howard yelled back as he stood halfway up out of his chair so the old man could see him better over the table piled high with food. It seemed to help as the old man nodded and turned his attention back to his plate. Howard gave an apologetic look to Rosemary who was seated next to the old man. Realizing the worst was over, at least for now, she slowly unclenched her fists and brushed back some hair from her face that had been jarred loose from the bun on her head. She gave him a meek smile back.

“Stephen, tell your brother about the bear that got into the garden,” urged Rebecca.

“No one wants to hear about our little country dramas dear,” Stephen chuckled. “We all want to hear about the big city and about the important work Howie is doing.”

“Yes! Howard, don’t keep us waiting a moment longer. Tell us all about your important work at the hospital,” Howard’s mother implored. Howard used a napkin to try and hide a little smile as he blushed almost imperceptibly and cleared his throat.

“Well, at the risk of sounding prideful I can tell you amazing things are happening at the hospital. I have spent the better part of two years developing a department that I am to head, and we should be up and running by the end of summer.” Howard’s eyes were alive, he looked eager to continue but paused and looked around the table.

“Head of a department? Oh my, that sounds like a great honor,” remarked the minister.

Howard’s mother was beaming with pride as she looked to the minister. Howard’s father was trying in vain to hide a very satisfied smile as he chewed his food and waited for Howard to continue. Rosemary was transfixed on Howard and Howard definitely noticed. Bolstered by approval Howard straightened and bowed slightly to the man of the cloth.

“Yes it is, thank you minister. In fact I am pioneering, you could say, a brand new field of medicine.”

“What new field is it?” Rebecca asked.

“We call it gynecology.” Howard said as he sat up a little straighter in his chair.

“Oh my, sounds very scientific,” Howard’s mother replied. “What exactly is that dear?”

“Well primarily it is the science of treating bacteriological infections and other complications in the female reproductive organs. Much of my work is the refinement of sterilization techniques and development of specific medical apparatuses to access the inner most areas of the vaginal and cervical cavities as well as abdominal and vaginal surgical equipment.”

As Howard continued in a very animated fashion he did not seem to notice the silence that had fallen over the table. Aside from grandpa Chester no one was moving. In fact, no one was even breathing.

“Most recently I have been developing an examination table with stirrups for the woman to put her feet into about four feet apart.” He gestured with his arms. “It greatly increases the ease of access to the innermost vaginal area for both examination and surgery as the doctor is positioned in a seated position eye level between the stirrups!” He mimicked the stance.

The minister made a choking sound. A fork in Rebecca’s hand slipped from her grip and went clattering to the floor. Rosemary abruptly broke off her gaze and looked to her father whose face reflected sheer horror. Rosemary then looked down quickly and her eyes fixated on a spot on the table near her plate as her face went from a pale lily white to a near strawberry color. Stephen emptied his glass of wine in three gulps.

“Now that particular type of table is not new but what is new is a removable tray for discarded medical gauze used for absorbing some of the vaginal pus or secretions from the various infections or conditions as well as the addition of a built in speculum rack. Oh which also reminds me! I have nearly perfected a new speculum! An instrument that not only can spread open the labia majora AND the labia minora,” Howard stood and used two large serving forks to peel apart large sections of the sliced ham in the center of the table. “But also, with my new innovation of a ratcheting mechanism in between the paddles, PRY apart and HOLD the tissues open and then LOCK into place so as to allow the insertion of surgical equipment deep into the vaginal canal without the necessity of an extra set of hands!” Howard forcefully pinned back the two layers of the baked ham with the forks and threw up his hands in a flourish. “Viola!” he exclaimed at the exact moment his mother fainted and slid out of her chair into a pile on the floor with a thump.

For the first time since he started speaking he looked up at the table. His father was staring straight at him, pale as a sheet, mouth hanging open and seemingly unaware that his wife was on the floor beside him. Rebecca got up and rushed to her mother in law. Grandpa Chester looked up and shouted.

“WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH HER?”

“She’s fainted grandpa!” Stephen screamed back.

“WHY???” the old man yelled.

“It’s Howard grandpa! He was telling us about his work!! He works with vaginas!!” Stephen screamed into the old man’s ears while Rosemary gave a whimper at the word vaginas and shut her eyes tight.

“WHO’S VIRGINIA??”

The minister was shaking with rage.

“Not Virginia grandpa!! VAGINAS!!”

Rosemary’s eyes rolled back in her head and she fell forward into her plate of food. Stephen turned away from the old man and rushed to help Rosemary who was face down in a pile of mashed potatoes as air bubbles popped in the pools of gravy at the side of her face.

Howard’s father finally managed to make a small movement with his mouth as if trying to form the first word he had ever spoken. His mouth moved silently at first and then finally some sound emerged.

“Wh-wh-wh-wh- Howard why would you…” was as much as he could manage before slipping back into his dumbfounded catatonia.

“WHAT IS A VAGINA???” screamed the old man.

The minister who had been steadily turning darker and darker shades of red and was now nearly purple, erupted. “WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS FILTH? I HAVE NEVER IN MY LIFE BEEN SUBJECTED TO SUCH DEBAUCHERY AND SALACIOUSNESS! You invite me and MY DAUGHTER here to witness this PERVERSION! Such talk at the dinner table?”

Howard’s mother, who was just getting back to her feet with Rebecca’s help began apologizing profusely to the minister who would have none of it.

“Madam I have never been so insulted in my life.” He stood up and threw his silverware on the table and took the napkin from his lap and laid it over the spread ham. “Come Rosemary! We are LEAVING!”

“Oh no please! Pastor Rantallion! Please don’t go! This must be some sort of misunderstanding. Howard! Tell him. Tell him you were joking.”

“I-I-I…” stammered Howard, stunned by the chaos he had unleashed. He looked around the table and caught Rosemary’s gaze. She was staring at him with potatoes and gravy dripping off her face onto her blouse with a look of such disgust and utter hatred Howard stopped speaking altogether. The minister took her by the arm and hurried her out the door and slammed it hard. Howard’s mother wailed and slumped into her chair with her face in her hands. Howard's father remained motionless, staring into space with a puzzled look. Rebecca was quietly gathering her things to leave as Stephen was laughing uproariously.

“WHAT IS ALL THE FUSS???!!!” grandpa Chester asked.

“Howard is specializing in lady’s inner parts at the hospital grandpa!!” Stephen screamed into the old man’s ear through fits of laughter. Rebecca punched him on the shoulder and glared at him. Stephen continued laughing and shrugged.

“WHY IN GOD’S NAME WOULD HE DO THAT?”

Suddenly Howard’s father seemed to break from his spell. “Yes. Yes Howard, why? After so much schooling... Why in all the areas of study would you..” he struggled and trailed off.

“I don’t see what all this commotion is about, I am a doctor. I want to help wo-”

“GET OUT!!!” Howard's father and mother shouted in unison. Howard jumped.

“Help! Ha!” wailed Howard’s mother. “By spending all day looking up their dresses! Help! Some help! Help yourself to an eyeful more like it.”

“But I-” Howard’s father cut him off by hurling a bowl full of green beans at his head.

“I SAID OUT! NOW!” Howard’s father screamed through gritted teeth. Howard’s mother continued sobbing. Stephen continued laughing as he was dragged towards the front door by Rebecca who shot Howard an accusing glare.

After they left Howard slowly gathered his jacket and headed for the door.

“NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN HOWARD! DON’T BE A STRANGER” howled the old man as he removed the minister’s napkin from the ham and helped himself to another slice.

Howard left the house in a state of shock. It was true, he thought. You can’t go home again.