I hugged him from behind, kissing his cheeks. He spared me a backward glance and I gave him my best smile but he could read me as he shook his head, going back to waiting for a call from his boss.
“You okay, babe?”
I had my bum perched on his table. “Yeah, can we talk right now?”
I had his attention now. His eyes were on me as he took a hold of my hands, moving his chair in a way I was standing in between his legs.
“I know we've been busy―”
I closed my eyes. “It's not about us.”
“Let me guess―”
His call interrupted what I was about saying and he held a finger up, apologies written on his face as he whispered to give him some time. He still held on to my hand as their supposed call started until I gave his a squeeze.
I needed to be up early tomorrow morning.
I took up my space in bed, stretching my hands to feel up the space beside me. He could be up for hours with the call and by then, I would be asleep but we had always, right?
“Love,” he whispered, shaking me off whatever I was thinking. “Can we talk now?”
The lights filtered on as I sat up, shielding with my hands from the impact on my eyes.
“You finished up too quick?” I asked, opening my arms wide for an embrace because I needed it for what I was about saying. “Why are you staring at me like that?”
My face broke into a smile. “That's cliché.”
“Blame it all on your movies,” he said, dropping a kiss on my lips. Then another on my forehead as we held each other. “I watched enough of that while we were dating.”
I wanted to tell him in this last one year, we've barely had time to watch those movies again. The ones he'd stay up late with me to watch with me even if he had to work? They've all become memories.
Now, I needed to ask him when he would be home so I could spend the next few hours to dawn with him.
“I know we said no kids till we're ready,” I started, giving him time to get where I was going. “I know it's been just a year, what do you think?”
He groaned. “Anna...”
“I love you. You know that, don't you?”
“Are you pregnant, love?”
“I mean, what if I was? I haven't seen my period and am due so I was thinking what if am―”
He moved away from me, standing up to his feet. “We are always... careful, babe. You think you're stressed? That could be a reason you haven't seen it.”
“Do you not want a child with me?”
He gave me a look. “You sound ridiculous right now. You're my wife. It is expected but can you see us now? We are struggling, we're trying to be where we're meant to be. There's no child for now and there should be no child, at least for now.”
“Yeah, obviously. What was I thinking in the first place?” I blinked, smiling all to his words. “We should be where we're meant to be so we forget each other too?”
“Anna? It's been a stressful day.”
“I know that.”
He had his eyes closed for a moment. “Please, let's not have a fight?”
I gave him a nod.
“I just want to hold you right now. That's all I need.”
There was no doubt in my heart what we had for each other. We did love each other and that wasn't fading away, at least not yet. But as much as love was there, how about when I needed to talk to him about everything? How about when I didn't need to talk but the silence was comforting?
All we did now was loose ourselves in our work lives and I decided this was enough. I would do the same so we achieved more together.
I didn't know I had him until I was told I lost him.
It was a beautiful day in May and I wanted to be alone. I didn't want to see him. Maybe if he didn't try to make me feel I was stressed out, if I didn't feel we needed to achieve first, I would be setting up my kid's room, getting multiple sonograms but I lost out on that.
There came a point where I was really just laying there, trying to remember why we got married in the first place. We were growing apart and not even him preparing my breakfast would change that.
I wasn't particularly hungry that morning.
When I got home late that night, after a fun night out with friends after work, I saw him seated in the living room, whispered an, hey as I walked on to the kitchen, pulling open the fridge.
I felt his presence behind me and I knew sooner he would go in for a hug so I avoided it, stepping out of the kitchen.
It would always be this way so I would hate being teased with what I would never get because if I really had to choose, I would go back to when we used to go out rather than now. Our priorities are stacked up and we're filled to the brim with responsibilities.
“Can we eat dinner together, at least?” he asked, staring at me from where he was. “You've been out all day and I left you texts... Sabrina told me you went out, it doesn't matter... I've been waiting all day.”
I breathed in a sigh. “I don't want to do this right now. Not with you.”
“Anna, I am trying to make things right. I want to take you out to that favorite spot but you aren't letting me.”
I blinked. “We're fine.”
I turned to leave.
“Anna,” he called out. “I don't wanna loose you too.”
I tried to understanding what that meant with a smile. “Trust me, you won't.”
I could feel him taking steps closer to where I was in the dinning and his presence irritated my whole existence. I wanted him away from him but I have to keep up with seeing him standing That close to me.
“Can I hold you?”
A laugh broke out from me. “Seriously?”
“Anna, I know you're hurting... we both are.”
That was where he missed the point. We weren't hurting. I, was hurting. He didn't have a kid he had to loose. I had to loose my child without even knowing for once if he or she was there.
“I'm going to my mom's tomorrow,” I told him.
He didn't answer and when I turned to grab my glass of water, he embraced me from behind and that was where I lost it.
“I'm sorry,” he whispered.
I made no move to stop him from kissing my ear and neck but he got no response from me.
He stepped away from me.
I forced a smile when I turned to meet his eyes. “Can we have this agreement, Jake? Trust me, it's what's best for us right now.”
He nodded. “Sure.”
“I don't know what I might do when next you touch me. So, please, don't.”
And as I walked away from him, I knew where this was going to end again. With my tears drowning my pillow tonight and I wanted badly to stop hating him, rewind and be back in his arms but I couldn't. Not for now.
I slid to the floor as my tears made its way down my cheeks.
I held onto my chest. I was hurting. I was hurting because I lost something dear but I was hurting more because I could loose him.
And I didn't want that.