Yes, I want your investment but I’d also appreciate you helping me recapture these clones.

Thanks for meeting with me today, and I apologize for running a little bit late. Better late than never, right? Unless you’d rather I’d have not shown up at all, what with the clones escaping in your lobby.

Here is a copy of my business plan. I think particularly you should look at page 2, the graph showing Expected Growth And Profits. That red line there? That’s not blood, they’re hardly dangerous, most of them. That’s where we expect this company to be in less than 6 years. If you invest, I mean. And if we can get them all back under wraps.

I think this is an exciting time in genetic sciences, don’t you? The Supreme Court ruled that you can’t patent genes, which effectively brought the world of underground cloning into the open, and with my degree in genetic engineering and double minor in marketing from Brown I am uniquely poised to bring my start-up public. I also could use some help getting the samples back into travel comas. Would you mind each taking a Taser (TM!) and walking around a bit? Any of them you see, just aim for the belly.

Finally putting to use those skeet lessons Meemaw got me for my 10th birthday, ha ha!

A fair question to ask, although none of you have yet, is “Underground cloning? How long has this been going on?” and I will answer that, if you will all just get security on the phone and tell them please to not let any of the clones out of the building. They probably won’t bite, but some might harbor genetic mutations that would easily pass onto the general population and could end up eliminating our resistance to 90% of the viruses that are currently not considered harmful.

So: Underground cloning! What started as a backyard, basement, or garage hobby for many people who have access to several hundred thousand dollars’ worth of equipment and no moral qualms about taking their friends’ cigarette butts to use as sample genetic material has grown into an entire subculture of people who were secretly mutating animals into pig-man hybrids or trying to make a clone of our girlfriends who claimed they were just experimenting with bisexuality when they dated us but then married goddam Gerald, who last time I checked was male. But with the recent decision in the Myriad Genetics case, some of us, well, me, felt it was time to make a trip to the Valley and see if we couldn’t get some big money backers to take our game public! And I brought along not just this glossy business plan, but a DVD showing how the entire operation works as well as what I think a proper lab set-up would be.

And, yes, about 15 of my products, 14 of which are currently still on the loose. Nice shot, if I may congratulate you, in the yellow tie! Very impressive skills.

Now, then, if you will dim the lights, it will help us see the DVD and also hide from any… products… that might break in here. Sometimes the clones, which take only weeks to grow to maturity using a solution that I have devised, get a little angry about being kept locked up in my basement and sedated, so I’m sure none of us want any further disruptions as we decide how much we want to invest in what is sure to be the number one business of the 21st century!

Picture it, after all: clone soldiers bolstering armies, clones of great athletes making every team compete at the highest level, clones of our most brilliant scientists! Einstein and Goddard and Newton, all working together on plans to terraform Mars! Clones of beautiful movie stars, handsome leading men, so everyone can date a star!

What’s that? Well, I like to think that we are post-morality. This is a new era! One that I see will be marked not just by amazing new advances in science but also by a large number of police cars outside. So we didn’t just call security, but took this to regular law enforcement? All right, then.

Can I leave a business card with you? I’m sure when you have a chance to view the rest of the DVD and talk it over privately, you’ll want to get in on the ground floor of the next great tech breakthrough!

Final questions? No? Okay. Well, remember, if you see them, their reflexes are still a little slow from the drugs I used to transport them, and they mostly are confused rather than actually angry.

I’ll look forward to hearing from you!