Wildflowers

Brittany sat on the swing in the garden, surrounded by the beauty that she couldn’t appreciate. Gone, her mother was gone. It had been a long fight; the pulmonary hypertension had started years ago. A shortening of breath, an inability to do the things she had once done, and ultimately being unable to breath. Idiopathic, that is what they had called it, idiopathic pulmonary hypertension. Brittany had looked up that word, Idiopathic, it meant no one knew where it came from, but Brittany knew. This had been how things had gone for her mother her entire life, test after test. Who was testing her, no one knew, but it had been going on since childhood.

Brittany’s mother Liz had been the oldest child of four. When she was eleven her father left, said he couldn’t do this and walked out one day. Liz’s mother tried to get help for her and her four children but back in the 60’s there weren’t government programs set up for that. She had gone to the church, but they couldn’t help her. If Liz’s father had died it would be a different story, the church sent them on their way with a “hopefully he will return” comment, but he never did.

Liz’s mother had to find a second job, something unheard of back then, and that left Liz in charge of the house. That was the first test. She was eleven, she was in the sixth grade, and yet she was now the caretaker of three boys. Liz learned how to sew, how to cook, how to clean; she couldn’t let her family down. Liz didn’t have a childhood; she was too busy taking care of everyone else. This became a pattern for Liz.

When Liz was nineteen, she met David. David was handsome, he was in the Army, and he gave orders that people followed. Liz was tired of being in charge, so very tired, the idea of someone else taking care of things appealed to her. They were married in 1974, Liz was twenty. Shortly after the marriage David was stationed at a base in Texas, this was near his family, but very far from Liz’s. She didn’t mind, this was going to be her new beginning and she welcomed the adventure. A year later Brittany was born, Liz hoped that their child would be a good incentive for David to spend more time at home, it wasn’t. David informed Liz that she was in charge of the child and the house. When Liz asked David if he could spend less money at the bar so they would have more money for food, David hit Liz. The next test had begun.

Liz found a way to make her own money, she had always been crafty, when she saw the wildflowers growing in the field behind their home inspiration struck. She spoke to the local hotel about creating centerpieces from the wildflowers for their tables and wreaths for their doors. Lilacs and marigolds were the main stars, but daisies often made an appearance too. It wasn’t a lot of money, but it was the little extra she needed to make ends meet. Liz tried to make David happy. She took charge of raising Brittany, the house was immaculate, and dinner was on the table every night at six when David got home, when he came home. She learned not to question him on his whereabouts, it only made him mad, and she didn’t want him mad. When Brittany was two David came home drunk and in a rage. He yelled at Liz, punched her in the face and then punched holes in the walls. David then yelled at Brittany, telling her to shut up or he would give her something to cry about. Liz waited for David to pass out, packed a bag, picked up Brittany, and walked six miles to the police station. She reported the domestic abuse, due to the numerous bruises, new and old, the courts allowed Liz and her daughter to leave the state with her mother.

We aren’t given more than we can handle, Liz repeated that over and over to herself. She was now a 23-year-old single parent, but took comfort being back with her family. The Texas courts had granted her a divorce and sole custody, it was time to start over, again. Liz began working at a bank as a teller. She stayed late, came in early, and worked hard. People took notice, and eventually she was offered a job at a major bank in Pennsylvania. Her salary would allow her to buy a house which she desperately needed because Brittany was now thirteen and she wanted her to have a stable home so she could have a childhood, something Liz never had. Her mother and grandmother agreed to move with her to help with the bills and to be with Brittany. Liz began to work 50, 60, 70 hour weeks; she began to travel more than she was home. Liz didn’t mind, she was able to provide the money her family needed. She was caring for them the only way she knew how.

When Liz was thirty-five she began to get ill, very ill. She was out of breath crossing a room, and she was losing weight fast. The doctors told her she had Graves Disease, a thyroid problem that was treatable. She began the treatment and began to recover, but she was never herself again. She tried to attend Brittany’s sporting events, tried to care for her mother and grandmother, but the traveling and illness were taking a toll. Two years later, her grandmother passed away. Liz was on a business trip, the keynote speaker on Banking Reform, Brittany discovered the body and no one had called Liz. What could she have done they asked? Liz was heartbroken. In trying to care for her family she had abandoned them. Liz began to decline business trip offers in an effort to be home more. She made Brittany’s prom dress, attended every school event she could, but her baby no longer needed her. Brittany had grown up, and Liz had missed it.

Brittany was eighteen and in college when Liz was offered a prestigious job in Atlanta, but she didn’t want to leave Brittany without a home. Liz asked her mother to stay in their home in Pennsylvania to be there in case Brittany needed her, while Liz moved to a studio apartment on the outskirts of Atlanta. Once again, Liz did what was best for others but not for herself. Brittany eventually graduated College and moved to Georgia. Liz had found a new husband, who had a son. George was twelve and had been poorly treated by his mother, his father had sole custody. Liz was determined to do better this time raising a child. She poured everything into making sure George was well adjusted. She attended every sporting event, every parent teacher conference, but it didn’t matter how much love or attention Liz poured into George. George’s father had begun cheating on her, and she wouldn’t stay with a man who mistreated her. Not again. George was seventeen when they divorced. He understood what was happening, and loved Liz, but he also knew his father was lost. He left Liz to be with his father.

Brittany was married by now and didn’t have much time for Liz. She had her own career, a step son and a baby on the way. Liz did what she could for Brittany while balancing her own career. Liz’s mother passed away. Then Liz got sick again. Breast cancer is a devious disease. Liz battled through it. She was determined to see her grandchildren grown and to be there for Brittany. The chemo was hard, the radiation was harder. Brittany tried to be there for her mother, but she had recently been divorced and had two children to care for. Liz understood, then Liz’s health began to decline again. Idiopathic Pulmonary Hypertension. It was a death sentence. Liz moved closer to Brittany, and eventually had to move in with Brittany and her two children. Liz tried not to be a bother, she was capable of getting herself to her doctor appointments, until she wasn’t. Brittany cared for her mother, she heard stories about her mother’s life and what all she had done. The two became closer than they had ever been. Two liters of oxygen per minute turned into four, then eight, then two oxygen concentrators working together to get to fourteen. Brittany was able to organize a family gathering, Liz’s brothers came to say goodbye. Two days later Brittany sat in the back seat with Liz, switching out her oxygen tanks as they became depleted, as her son drove them to the hospital. Brittany worked with the Red Cross to get George back from active duty. They were both by her side when Liz passed away peacefully.

Now Brittany sat on the garden swing, looking at the wildflowers her mother had planted. Liz had taught Brittany how to arrange the marigolds, lilacs, and daisies into beautiful centerpieces and wreaths with ornate braids and ribbons. Brittany reflected, her mother could always turn common things into extraordinary things, because she herself was extraordinary. Her mother was the woman who always cared for others, and never took care of herself. Could Brittany learn from her mother’s mistakes? Would her mother even think of them as mistakes? Probably not. Brittany’s mother was a force in the world, a force for good. The question Brittany was left with was, are good people tested because they are good, or are they good because they are tested?