Who Are You?

"Who are you?" Those are the first words Cas spoke to me almost 1 year ago.

Now, in the present, I’m stumbling out of the taxicab onto the coarse, wet ground. She helps me up from my arm and drapes it around her neck. The bright lights of city nightlife are blinding. Car lights blare my vision and the sound of their tires across the 1 am streets are familiar, but below in my ears. She reaches the keys out of my back jean pockets and she carries me to the bedroom where she lets me go with a grunt of relief. “Wow! have you put on a couple of pounds” She chuckles.

I slur my words “You don’t what you’re talking about,” She laughs at me and pulls the black ends of her hair above her head into a messy bun. My head feels light, or empty, but I feel in a daze. Whether it’s the soft Egyptian cotton sheets, or the girl sitting on them next to me – something about it feels… right.

“Why are you looking at me like that, silly,” I don’t respond because I’m lost in her intelligent eyes and my brain can’t put words into my mouth.

“Need some water?” she asks.

“No. I need you here, stay with me please.” I respond desperately

Her smile takes over me. “It’s you, I need you” Those are the only words I could think to say, my mind has been taken over and now I’m talking the words of my feelings – words better off unsaid.

“What?” she replies with a confused smirk and a light chuckle in her voice.

“If it was the other way around, and you were a drunken alcoholic,” I begin to confess “and it was down to me to carry that burden on my shoulders; the late nights, the rehab, the therapy… now you be honest with me. Would you trust me to do it?” Silence fills the room but it's not too long before her voice breaks it

“I would.” She replied softly

I'm thankful, it's what I needed to hear, that's all I needed to hear . With the might left in my arms, I push myself off the bed. “I have something I want to give you.” I walk toward the bedside table and tug open the bottom drawer open. In it there’s something my mother gave to me before she passed away, my dad’s promise ring. He gave to my mum when he was my age. The silver diamonds sparkle and its shines off the timber inside of the draw, I grab it and put it into the palm of my hands

I sit back down on the bed next to Cas, and with my one free hand, I hold hers and pull it toward my lap. Opening my palm up and revealing the ring to her I tell her “This is my promise to you. Forever, Cas. You and me” and slide it onto her finger. I think they’d call this a checkmate in chess, there's no one she could ever leave now

Her face in awe, our eyes lock and she comes over and sits on my lap. “I love you.”

I say nothing back but place my hands on her cheeks as she pushes my body against the bed and her lips against mine.

***

It’s eight o’clock on a Sunday night. I walk into a bar further downtown, our favourite bar, and I see her waiting for me in a seat by the window. It’s our first-year anniversary today.

I kiss her on the cheek and sit down opposite her “Shots over here please” I yell.

“TOM!” She laughs “Typical Tom.”

“What! you know me.” I reply. Cas doesn’t drink, I think she likes taking care of me.

7 shots later, and neither of us can breathe from the laughter sucking out the life from our lungs. The noise of the background chatter and the loud noise of the rain hitting the ground is comforting. I look out the window to see a grey fog, and nothing but darkness shone by streetlights of the gas station.

I begin to feel nauseous and hike my way to the bathroom but before I enter the men’s room, a female exits the women’s room. She has the smoothest, silkiest light brown hair I’ve ever seen, and ocean blue eyes that compliment the rest of her features, suddenly my sickness is cured. Unable to restrain, my eyes move from her head to her toes and back up.

“Come here, don’t be too shy,” she says seductively

I grab her black leggings by the hips and pull her against my waist, she pulls my bottom lip down with her thumb and then follows it with her lips slowly pressing against mine

It feels nice.

I open my eyes a few seconds after and my head turns to the right to see Cas standing there, the innocence and kindness in her eyes become covered by heartbreak, filling them with water. She storms out of the bar.

“CAS WAIT!” I chase her and push the doors open of the bar to hear them ring.

Outside there is nothing but being trapped in a void of silence, one contrasted by the sound of the rain attacking the concrete ground and falling against her long, black locks. “Cas. Please.”

She stops and turns around to face me, her skin overcome with distress.

“Who are you, Tom. It was a lie! …all of it”

“No, Cas I-”

“I put up with all of this shit because I loved you, Tom, I loved you. But I wasn’t enough for you.” Tears visibly descend from her eyes, just as the rain fell beside it

“Cas that’s not true.”

“It is, you’re never gonna change.”

“It’s you, Cas, it’s always been you. I need you. I’m lost without you... please.” She takes a few steps closer to me until we are less than 2 feet from each other.

“Look me in the eyes, Tom, and now you be honest with me this time, ‘because this is the only chance you’re gonna get.” The rain gets louder, but so does the silence. The fog overcomes us and suddenly I’m shivering.

“Do you love me” She says lightly

“… I…” I freeze, I thought I had all the answers, but I guess not. Instead, I’m lost for words and tears start to fall from my eyes too.

“I knew it, I wish I didn’t, but I always knew it” She turns around and walks away from me.

***

The next day, I wake up without her next to me, her not being here is surreal, nightmarish and has me feeling alone.

There’s a knock on the door

I force myself out of bed with all my energy and open the door, hoping it would be her. No one is there. But I look down to see a brown paper box on the mat. I take it inside and put it on the kitchen box. Confused and curious, I begin to pull it open, but before I do the phone starts to ring.

“Hello?”

“Tom? Hey, Tom, it’s Cas’ mum, Julia. This morning...” she stops talking for a second and I can hear her catch a breath. “Cas got in a car crash on the way back from the post office.” She begins to murmur her next words as if something is choking her. “She didn’t make it." I freeze, grief overtakes me and I become numb, unable to speak.

"We’re having a funeral for her tonight, it would mean a lot if you could come and attend, you’re the only thing that ever made her smile.”

I hang up the phone, and it falls on the floor. So do I.

Screaming in tears I cannot hold back; I lie down on the cold tiles in fury at myself. This is all my fault, it is, “I’m an idiot” I keep telling myself. If I had just been stronger and fought for us, she could be in my arms right now.

I get changed and leave to the chapel. I arrive and take a few deep breathes in the car before heading to the door, do they know what happened last night? How could they if I’m here?

I sustain the eerie feeling floating in the air and open the doors of the chapel.

“Hi, Tom” Julia whispers. I take a step in, “It truly means a lot you could come here.”

I’m lost for words, Cas was my strength, I need her by my side, but the tears in my eyes are words enough for Julia to pull me in and wrap her arms around me.

She grabs my hand and leads me to a seat at the very front of the chapel. I sit down next to her.

“If anyone would like to say any words, please come forth and do so now.” The pastor says

I stand and step up to the microphone, I’m not worried, I usually hate public speaking but right now no one here matters except Cas, I had to do this. I owed it to her.

“Cas was… she was my everything. Before I met her, I was shy, scared, and broken in pieces,” I pause to try to catch my breath “She picked up those pieces over the past year and put me back together, and pieces lost she would fill with her own. "The past year has been, like no other.” Tears are running down my face, they grab me by the neck and choke me, it’s hard to breathe.

I turn toward the coffin on my right and continue talking to it “I wasn’t able to say it yesterday, but I love you, Cas" I can finally admit that instead of lying to myself, trying to avoid the fear of this foreign feeling. "When they told me what had happened, I couldn’t breathe.. The regret I feel is creeping through my veins and my bones. Now I’ll never get to tell you how I truly feel. I love you Cas, I love you now, and I always have and will, I’m lost without you.”

My eyes are drenched in a sea of grief and pain, I manage to conjure the strength to get in a few more words before I can no longer talk

“You saved me, Cas… why couldn’t I save you.”

I start to cry in front of everyone, Julia comes up as if to hug me, I completely lose myself and run out of the chapel before she had the chance to.

I sit in the car and scream in horror, the pain came out of my mouth, and the memory of her is haunting me.

Back at home, I feel hopeless. What happens now – I don’t know, but the brown paper box is sitting on the kitchen box. Unopened.

The curiosity fuelled my feet as I head toward the box.

I open up the box and in it, something small, with a note next to it. I pinch the note and hold it up. It reads

How can love to perceive , when only one of us feels it . And how can I live knowing that

I pick up the item inside and hold it in the palm of my hand , its life and sparkle is gone.

It’s the Promise Ring