Who Am I?

My eyes flutter, slowly opening with a struggle. After a fight with my eyelids, I let my eyes take in my surroundings. I was in a rather peculiar setting, a bell-shaped room. The room was walled with windows of stained glass. As the light shone through coloured glass, the room was softly bathed in a wild spectrum of colour. Though the room was exquisitely grand, it lacked many furnishings or ostentatious decor and was almost empty except for a long table that was adorned by crystal vases filled with tall bouquets, tall clusters of blooming, vivid colours, made all the more dramatic by the rainbow rays cast through the windowed walls. The table was long enough to sit an entire family tree, yet the only setting put out was in front of me. As I sat at the head of the table, I found that, despite not knowing where I was or how I got here, I wasn’t afraid. Confused, sure, but I wasn’t scared and, instead, felt safe, unreachable and isolated. As my eyes ran over the room, I noticed a small shadow at the other end of the table that seemed untouched by the gentle light, or any light at all. It seemed like I was staring into a small void, a space in this romanticised reality to be filled. The distance between us seemed impossibly long, the table stretching further than I assumed the room reached. The darkness was writhing, slithering and wrapping around itself, its shape inconsistent and constantly changing. It did this for some time, seeming to become more tangible the more I looked at it. Again, I felt no fear, I felt only confusion and intrigue; but there was more than that. As I looked at the shifting darkness, I felt a wash of familiarity come over me and, as I felt that familiarity, the shape began changing. It seemed to shift itself into a final form that resembled a humanoid being; yet it still seemed to move, its limbs and torso stretching and shrinking. Male or female, tall or short, fat or thin, I couldn’t tell; or rather, the shadow couldn’t decide. I focused on the feeling of familiarity I felt, if I could find where that feeling came from, maybe then I would understand what it was doing. I tried to focus on the thing and see if it gave any clue to what I was looking at. As I stared intently at it, it did the same. Its ‘face’ was looking at me, studying me and as I was studying it.

“Who am I?”

The voice echoed around the room, yet the shadow hadn’t a mouth I could see. Its voice was so strange like there was a group asking the question instead of a single person. This being was a mystery, maybe it was a mystery to itself as much as it was to me. As the echo carried the question all around me, I found myself following the sound, as though I may be able to see it. The voice of many began to sharpen and become fewer. Pitches dropped out, sounding now like a group of male voices. The echo faded, leaving me in anticipation of what was to come next.

“Who am I?”

It asked me once more. Only this time, it was different, its voice was that of one. A male voice, deep yet soft. Its shape had also become clearer and more consistent; the profile of a man now sat at the other end of the table.

He seems uncomfortable, sitting straight up and rigid.

As this thought passed through my mind, the being, or man, cocked his head to the side slightly, like a confused pup, and adjusted himself into a more comfortable seeming position; he let his back relax into to chair, his arms no longer rested on his thighs and, instead, one hung lazily off the arm of the chair and the other was bent and supporting his head. Could he see my thoughts, was it a reflection of my mind or, hopefully, something less pretentious?

“Who am I?”

“I’m unsure, I know you yet you are a mystery to me.”

I found myself answering him without hesitation, yet I had only thought of answering his question.

“Who do think I am? Am I your saviour, am I your hero? Or am I your nightmare, your enemy?”

His voice was indifferent, with no hint of threat or reassurance. Still, my feelings toward the man were only that of intrigue. Thinking harder, trying to remember this man, I saw two eyes form on the faceless man of shadows. The eyes were bright, their colours visible and burning from the other end of the table; one eye was an electric blue that struck like lightning, and the other, a sinister red that burned like magma. I was trapped in these eyes, my gaze affixed to them and I felt myself disappearing into them, drawn like a moth to a flame. I blinked and was washed over in blue light; the light was warm and comforting and I felt safe and protected. My eyes opened, not even a second had passed yet I had been moved from our grand dining hall to a tall grassy hill; I stood at the peak, looking out to the paradise before me. At the foot of the hill, I saw a wooded area; animals, big and small, I had never seen appeared and disappeared between the tall trees that canopied the woods with thick, healthy branches or dove in and out brushes and brambles. I saw what looked like a deer, a deer with six legs and antlers of ebony wreathed in roots and small flowers in blossom. I turned from the woods and saw a grand city bridged in the distance by a lush green meadow, a city that looked lost in time; spires from old cathedrals and towering fantastical castles, chimneys of Victorian factories that bellowed swirling smoke and between them weaved a swarm of sleek flying vehicles, their metal reflecting light from the lines of streetlights below. I could feel thoughts of this world, as if they were ethereal objects passing through me. I thought of this world; its order that allowed for cohabitation for all, from the richest kings to the poorest paupers, all lived comfortably. The divisions from the past were still evident, differences of class and creed would always collide, but an ordered understanding was honoured by all. Crime was treated with the same ordered attention; regardless of who someone was, what their race, gender or social standing may be, they were treated with the same respect and given a proper trial by a diverse jury of unbiased peers. The government no longer worked to serve its own selfish desires, it worked for the people. To seek a position of responsibility in government was now sought by the right people, the people who were willing to take as little as they would give, to help their least fortunate constituent, even at the cost of their own living. To seek this position of responsibility was not done for the power it came with to make one’s own life easier, but to use that power to make life better for all. Religion was understood and respected but, to stop religion from being abused by the same selfish snakes who would corrupt their country, it would be left out of consideration in matters that it had no place in. Extremists, who would also abuse the message of religion, would be cast out and openly opposed by those for whom they claim to speak. The world balanced on a pinhead but, through proper order and understanding for all, it never toppled.

“This is one path, the path of the hero.”

The voice startled me but I recognised it as soon as the words past his lips. I turned my head to the right, there stood the man of shadow. His appearance had changed, still a faceless form of a man but now, the red-eye had gone and only the blue still shone. He also had a new outfit; a large suit of armour that also seemed to cross time. His armour was that of a medieval knight but it was trimmed with neon blue strips of light down the appendages and across the breastplate, the metal it was made of seemed otherworldly and seemed to hum softly.

“This path is one of order, I may save this world from what is to come. Look there.”

I followed his face, just past the city, and saw gathering darkness in the distance. I squinted to try and make out anything but, between the distance and the pure darkness, I could see nothing.

“What is that darkness, what is to come?”

I ask the man and in response, he put his hand on my shoulder. I turned to him and saw the burning red eye that seemed to crackle like logs in a fire, while the eye of calming blue extinguished. Again, I felt myself falling into his gaze. Again, I blinked and was enveloped in a searing bath of flaming red light. When I opened my eyes, I was in the same world, yet I could see nothing but swirling clouds of black smoke and licking angry flames; in my clouded vision, I saw him. I was still faced with the man but he had changed again; his face a void except for the red eye, which now seemed to explode with blazing fires of red. In place of his fantastical knight armour, he wore a long black leather jacket, with trousers to match, over a plain white shirt.

“Look upon the world now, no order and nothing to protect the weak. This path leads to a world free to evolve as it sees fit. Though utopian for some, it’s a nightmare for most. This world will burn, as will the infestation of corrupt insects that inhabit it.”

Though he spoke of complete annihilation, destroying the lives of innocents around, his voice was plain and emotionless; worse still, I shared his apathy. If the thoughts of the ordered path felt like swaddling warmth, the thoughts I felt from this one felt like being impaled upon a burning stake. The numb and senseless rage burned through my brain like someone had dumped smoldering coals into my skull. I saw the reasoning, so many chaotic streams of thought, each was a nerve of sadness lit aflame by overwhelming anger. Order was pointless, it is simply a justification of subjugation, a way for those with to lord over those without. Yet, the blame isn’t all on those who exercise their selfish desires, those who allow themselves to bend and break to these wicked whims are equally infuriating. So many souls under one iron fist, so many simply accepting their fate in ignorant bliss, so much hate among fellow subjugates, such disdain for those who upset the crushing, unseen force above. Why give any of those peons any more chances, more chances for the weak to weaken and the strong to strengthen; no, it would be better for our horrible species, whose nature is to intimidate, destroy, cheat and lie its way through existence, to be wiped from this place. To let those that come after try and succeed where we failed. These were the twisted thoughts that scorched my mind, each seem to be crying in agony. It was as if they were once thoughts of hope that had now been drowned in sorrow and twisted in anger.

“This is the path of chaos, of fire and blood. To choose this path is to concede to all that comes with a chaotic world. Souls will be free to live as they please, whatever their motivations.”

Was this the way, was this the most efficient way to reset the natural order that had been tainted by our existence? Objectively, purging all of us would ensure that we couldn’t bring any more of our plague to all that we share our planet with, we would have no chance to spread any further than the rock we were birthed on. But we can never be completely objective, it is one of our many flaws, we will always be affected by our emotions. We are human, we have the choice of which path we walk; we can be intelligent and cold, driven by the outcome and damning our morals in the process; or we can be empathic, kind and sensitive to our emotions, leaving us vulnerable to the selfishly ambitious and stopping our evolution at the benefit of others. But is that the only choice we have? As a species that has prospered on its innovation and prides itself on having the emotional intelligence to care for the less fortunate of their kind. Surely such a species can evolve together and can move forward without leaving anyone behind. My eyes were shut tight, partially because of the burning agony I felt physically but also to try and keep these painful and dark thoughts out; or to trap them within my mind. I suddenly realised the tears gently running over my cheeks, I don’t know how long I had been weeping but I assume it was a while. I felt myself distancing from the dark thoughts, from the world of wonders I had seen. I dare not open my eyes until I feel the heat disappear completely, then I crack open my eyelids to see the grand room I was in previously. I sat in my chair, my breathing was erratic and my eyes scanned the room chaotically as my brain scrambled to understand the sudden shift in the surroundings and, at the other end of the table, he sat. The man of shadow and shade sat comfortably on his chair, his featureless face seemed to bore into my very being.

“You have seen the paths, you have seen your choices, you have seen what I may become. So now you must decide; who am I?”

Nothing followed his final question, time seemed to pass by infinitely when he finished talking. I might have been sitting in the silence for mere seconds or incomprehensible aeons, sitting with my choices and knowing that it is both an arbitrary decision in one world and a decision that will influence a completely separate universe. I saw the promise of both paths and understood the motivations that drove the decisions. Do I have to choose? Do I have to follow a set path without compromise? I am human, doesn’t that give me the freedom to carve my path?

“I have chosen.”

The shadow said nothing, only sat and blankly stared at me expectantly.

“I choose to walk a path that doesn’t exist, yet. I choose to use you as my great equaliser.”

Still nothing, no words. But his attitude seemed to change, no longer did he seem intent on forcing an answer, he seemed interested. His posture shifted in the seat, changing the form from lackadaisical to intrigue, he waited for my elaboration.

“I will send you into that land of fantasy, and to others, to serve as my champion and enact my will upon these worlds.”

A brilliant purple eye shone from his blank face, an eye that opened on his forehead that was turned on its side. A parade of purple shades shone around the room as the light from within the eye grew brighter, slowly blinding my vision.

“What will happen? Where does this path lead?”

To my surprise, it was the man of shadows asking me; there was something in his voice, not as strong as fear but an anxious note in his usually placid voice.

“I’m not sure, I’d be lying if I said otherwise. But, if only at this moment, we made a choice; at this moment, we are free.”

And so, I gave over to the bright light; the purple glow that enveloped the man of shadows and slowly swallowed everything around him, myself included.