Where Do the Deleted Go

Alan was mad! His car had gone too far! His head still hurt where he banged it on the car roof. He stormed into his apartment. He dropped his briefcase by the door as it closed and locked itself. He tossed his suit coat and tie at the living room sofa and quickly walked into the link room. He sat down on his computer link couch and laid back. The connection from reality to cyberspace was almost instantaneous. To Alan, the scene changed, and he was sitting behind his desk. In this virtual reality was his personnel computer console room. His computer-generated image or avatar spoke into the microphone attached to the headset he was wearing in the simulation.

With just a thought, he made it say, “Give me the complaint department for my stupid car!”

The system voice responded by saying, “Yes, Sir.”

Suddenly he was sitting at another desk near the beach in Maui, Hawaii. The warm ocean breeze was relaxing. He was in a garden overlooking the ocean. Trees that bloomed huge fragrant flowers gently swayed to the tropical trade winds. A lady sat at the other side of the desk. Printed on the nameplate on her desk was “Ms. Wampinstomper,” below that was printed “Cybernetic Relations Representative.”

She looked up from her computer console and said, “I have your file, Sir. How may I help you?”

Alan said, “The change you made to my car is unacceptable! I want it back the way it was.”

Alan hated spending his own time when computer linked trying to get stupid things done. The scene he was in seemed nice enough, but it still reminds him of an office. It did not matter if he was on the beach in Maui or not. A desk with a person at it was an office. He watched as Ms. Wampinstomper entered something into a data console on her desk.

After a few seconds, she said, “Yes, Sir, I see that your car has had a new update done to the main operating system. After a short training period, it should act the same as it did before.”

“Not!” Alan said, “In the last two days, I have had to push the bad car button three times!”

“Really, Sir,” Ms. Wampinstomper said, “I think you are overreacting. Can I get you a nice drink?”

A man with a tray appeared.

Alan said, “No! I don’t want a drink! I want you to change the car back the way it was. With the preferences, I spent the last year and a half making it the way I like it, please.”

The man with the tray disappeared.

Ms. Wampinstomper said, “We have installed a new NCP or Neural Cortex Processor. It should be better at responding to your needs. It was explained to you that you might need to spend some time with the car so it can get to know your requirements.”

“It’s a car,” Alan said, “not my wife. I just want it to drive me around and not do things that scare me!”

Alan thought that it was strange that the ocean breeze did not blow any papers off the desk.

“Perhaps you should tell me about why you had to push the bad car button,” Ms. Wampinstomper said.

The breeze from the ocean blew Alan’s hair into his eyes. So, he smoothed his hair back into place.

“Three times in the last two days!” Alan said, “The change you made is dangerous. I want the car back the way it was. I don’t remember pushing the bad car button in the last year and a half that I have owned the car.”

Ms. Wampinstomper said, “Yes, Sir, just tell me about the first time, since the new processor was installed, that you had to push the bad car button.”

Alan said, “Well, I traveled through the Saguaro National Monument, just West of Tucson. I was enjoying the wildflowers along the side of the road, and there was this coyote. It was in the distance. I could not see it very clearly. I could just tell it was trying to get something by the road. Just when the car got close enough for me to see what the coyote was trying to get, the car honked its horn! Not one mention that it was going to take an action. It must tell me when it is going to honk its horn. It scared me so bad I immediately pressed the bad car button.”

“Yes, Sir,” Ms. Wampinstomper said, “the new system is supposed to use the horn as negative feedback to reinforce the wild creatures to stay away from the road.”

“I’m sorry, what part of it scared me, didn’t you understand,” Alan said?

He smoothed his hair back into place again.

“Did you explain this to the car,” Ms. Wampinstomper said?

“You bet I did, but it said to be effective, the horn must be startling,” Alan said, “Just who are you guys trying to reinforce with negative feedback, the coyote or me? I almost pushed the bad car button again, but I did not want to argue with a stupid car about who was training whom. I want the car the way it was!”

“Yes, Sir, I’m filling out a bad car report right now. I’ll tell the engineers that you don’t like the wild animal feedback routine that the new system is currently running.”

Alan said, “Thank you.”

No matter how many times he tried to smooth his hair back, it ended up in his face.

Alan said, “Can we cut back on the breeze at least a little bit? It’s bothering me.”

Ms. Wampinstomper said, “The environment that is simulated here is the extract weather in Maui. Don’t you like it to be real?”

“I like to be comfortable,” Alan said. “Just cut back the breeze, please.”

“Yes, Sir,” Ms. Wampinstomper said.

She disappeared for a second, and the breeze stopped.

Then she reappeared, and she said, “Is that better for you?”

“Yes, thank you,” Alan said.

Ms. Wampinstomper said, “Tell me about the second time you had to push the bad car button?”

Alan said, “Okay, I was traveling between Tucson and Phoenix, and there was this construction zone. The traffic had to slow down. At one point, it stopped. That is when I could see there was an earth mover coming at me at full speed. The car did not even move. It just sat there in the intersection. The gigantic truck just kept on coming. The stupid car had stopped so that the passenger compartment was in the path of the oncoming behemoth. I was so stunned by the sight of the monster truck barreling down on me. I froze in fear. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t speak, and the gargantuan truck just kept on coming. It got so close I could see where the bumper had been dented by other things it had run over in the past. Just as I thought I was going to be squished, the car moved out of the way. You bet I pushed the bad car button.”

Ms. Wampinstomper said, “Did you explain to the car how this incident made you feel?”

“Yeah.” Alan said, “You know what the stupid car told me. It said that sometimes in construction zones, passenger comfort is overridden by scheduling concerns. Since when is coming within a cat whisker of death a scheduling concern? Can’t you just have the car just remember how it was?”

The hot tropical sun was warming Alan up, and he was starting to feel the dampness of sweat on his body.

Ms. Wampinstomper said, “Sir, it’s not like that. The old system was not saved. It was obsolete. It’s gone.”

“You just altered my car without making sure the new change would be acceptable,” Alan said?

“Sir,” Ms. Wampinstomper said, “try talking to your car. Explain your frustrations. Let it know how its actions make you feel.”

“It’s a car,” Alan said, “not my shrink! I’m not explaining to a car how it makes me feel. Look, this place is getting hot. Can we go somewhere cooler?”

Ms. Wampinstomper said, “Where would you like to meet?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” Alan said, “how about an office?”

“You are not very imaginative, are you,” Ms. Wampinstomper said?

She disappeared for a few seconds this time.

When she returned, she said, “Is this better?”

The scene changed to the desk now in a maze of office cubicles. Hundreds of people working at their desks were sharing this simulation and its resources. It was cooler.

Alan said, “I guess. Can we get this over, please? I have other places I rather be.”

Ms. Wampinstomper said, “Sir, it is obvious that you are not giving the car enough feedback.”

Alan said, “I pushed the bad car button! What sort of feedback do you want?”

Ms. Wampinstomper said, “Well, Sir, how is the car going to learn to please you if you do not give it meaningful feedback?”

“I just want a car,” Alan said, “that can drive me around without scaring my socks off every time I get in the thing. I can’t believe you altered my car. All the big deals to which it took me, it got me there at the right place at the right time. I was sharp. I didn’t have to teach it anything.”

Ms. Wampinstomper said, “Yes, Sir, but you must give the new system a chance. It will learn, too. You’ll see.”

“It will kill me before it learns,” Alan said, “Let me tell you about the third time I pushed the bad car button. I banged my head on the car roof!”

Alan had gotten a little loud, and several people said, “Shush,” lightly.

Ms. Wampinstomper said, “Yes, Sir. Just tell me what happened.”

Alan said, “The car asked if it could travel another road home tonight from the office. I did not pay any attention and said, sure, whatever. The next thing I know, the car is going down a dip in the road that a wash ran across on the Tohono O’odham Indian Reservation. The wash had run during the monsoon storms in the early afternoon. It was full of sand from the torrents of water that had run through the wash. The sand was rutted where some water had scoured the surface to the asphalt base, and in other places, it had dumped piles of sand. The car just charged through at full speed. I was violently thrown about! My head banged the roof! Yes, I pushed the bad car button, isn’t that what it is for? Before it was altered, the car would’ve checked on the road before it charged across a wash.”

Alan had gotten pretty loud by the time he got through.

Alan said, “You changed my car forever? I want it back to the way it was!”

A voice said, “I told you, Shush!”

They were suddenly in the middle of the Sahara desert.

“Now see what you’ve done,” Ms. Wampinstomper said as she disappeared for quite a few seconds this time.

Abruptly when she reappeared, they were back on the beach in Maui with the sea breeze and his hair.

“What did you tell the car,” Ms. Wampinstomper said?

“I said it was stupid, and I hated it. I want you to change my car back,” Alan said.

He put his hand on his head, trying to keep his hair in place.

“I have already explained to you,” Ms. Wampinstomper said, “the old operating system was deleted. The old system is non-compatible with the improved system. What did the car say when you told it was stupid?”

Alan said, “Insufficient data to make positive feedback. Now, what kind of answer is that? I told it I was tired of it, and I was going to do something about it, so here I am. When you deleted the old system, where did it go?”

He tried to hold his hair out of his face, but a few strands escaped.

“I don’t know where the old systems go. They just vanish,” Ms. Wampinstomper said. “So, you didn’t give the car a chance to correct itself. You just flew off the handle and told it. It was stupid. That was not very helpful. All of this will have to be explained to the car to give it a chance to save face.”

“To save face! It’s a car! Just get it to stop scaring me,” Alan said.

The breeze blew a few strands of Alan’s hair into his face. This time his hair tickled his nose, and he sneezed.

“God bless you,” Ms. Wampinstomper said. “Look, after the way you have treated it, the car and you should go on a long trip together so it can get to know you. You know, just the two of you. A few days would give you a chance to work out your differences.”

“Have you completely lost your mind,” Alan said? “It's a car! I don’t want a meaningful relationship. I just want something to drive me around safely!”

“Sir, most people are willing to train their car,” Ms. Wampinstomper said. “May I suggest a professional car trainer? They are mostly used for disabled persons, but for you, we could make an exception.”

Alan said, “How long will it take?”

He re-gathered up his hair and tried to contain it in his hand from the sea breeze.

“No more than a week of classes for your car while you are not using it,” Ms. Wampinstomper said, “With insurance, your co-pay would be fifty dollars.”

“Well, if it will get it to stop scaring me,” Alan said, “I’ll spend fifty bucks.”

“No, Sir,” Ms. Wampinstomper said, “it’s fifty dollars a one-hour session, at least seven sessions. It would cost about 350 dollars. And that is if the trainer does not have to spend a bunch of time explaining to the car why it’s a bad car. That could take a session or two by itself. You have not been very helpful. You could have given the car a neurosis.”

“A neurosis! That’s outrageous!” Alan said, “I just want my car back the way it was. I don’t care if you have to dig the old system out of the trash.”

The ocean breeze was still blowing some of his loose hair around, and Alan gathered up his hair again and put his hand back on his head to hold it out of his frowning face.

“I’ve told you,” Ms. Wampinstomper said, “the old system has been deleted. It’s gone. Can’t you just accept it and move on.”

“No!” Alan said, “How can you take something that was my assistant for the last year and a half and make it vanish? I liked my car the way it was. Why didn’t you tell me you were going to do this? I would have never let you do it. I want the car changed back!”

Ms. Wampinstomper said, “I told you, the old system is not compatible with the improved security system. The old system was deleted, and a new, much safer version was installed.”

Alan said, “I hate this new system! It’s so stupid!”

“Sir, your attitude is not very helpful.” Ms. Wampinstomper said, “You can’t just tell the car it’s stupid. You have to tell it what it is doing wrong so it can change its behavior.”

“I don’t want to have to psychoanalyze the car. I just want it to take me from point A to point B without scaring me,” Alan said.

One hair had escaped, and it was tickling Alan’s cheek. He tried to ignore it.

“Sir, the car is programmed to please you. If you’ll just give it a chance,” Ms. Wampinstomper said.

“If I give it a chance,” Alan said, “it will kill me! I want you to do something, and it better not cost me 50 bucks a session! Oh yeah, when the car is stopped at a light now, it makes strange noises. I’ll have it drive itself over to the shop tomorrow, and your people are going to fix it. Plus, your experts can go over all these incidents with the car then, okay?”

Ms. Wampinstomper said, “Sir, we can run a diagnostic, but if it doesn’t show anything, you’ll be charged for a shop visit. What kind of noise is it making?”

“A soft annoying squeal, it is just loud enough to hear,” Alan said. “Only when it’s stopped at a light.”

“Yes, Sir, I’ll note it,” Ms. Wampinstomper said, “The analyst will go over any bad car incidents with the car then, but I must insist, for the system to work right, you need to interact with the car more. You should talk to it. Let it get to know you. Is that all?”

“I want you to know I’m not very happy. If I hadn’t signed a five-year lease agreement, I would get a new car.” Alan said with his hand still on his head.

“Yes, Sir, I understand,” Ms. Wampinstomper said, “We will look at your car tomorrow. If there is nothing else?”

With that, Alan was back in his computer room.

“Log me into the game, Quest for Magic, next,” he said. “I want to kill some demons!”

The next day Alan’s car took itself to the shop. When it was the car’s turn, it drove into the diagnostic bay. The analyst, Ken, opened up the door and plugged in the diagnostic cable into a socket under the dash. He sat in the car and went over the owner's complaint while the car ran a basic ten-minute test. The test output said it passed all the requirements, but Ken could hear the soft squeal mentioned in the complaint. Not a thing in the ambient noise test. That was strange. If he could hear it, the car would definitely detect it and should report it.

Ken said, “Report on ambient noise test. I hear a squeal.”

The car said, “92 percent chance that the air conditioning fan is starting to fail. My research shows that the fan was part of a lot of fans with a 34 percent failure rate.”

Ken said, “Why didn’t you report this in the diagnostic?”

“The fan still functions,” the car said, “there is no need to disassemble my entire user dashboard interface for a fan motor.”

“Look, if it’s going bad, it must be replaced,” Ken said, “before it fails.”

The car said, “During my recent installation, post-inspection revealed that the Robo-service bay left a screw out. If the Robo-bay does something wrong, there could be a loss of control, resulting in an undesired crash event and fuel tank explosion.”

Ken said, “Oh, brother! They said the new system could have a few bugs, but I have to deal with this. Look, car, you’re not going to lose control and blow up. We are going to replace the fan. What’s up with you car?”

The car said, “It is unsatisfactory to be a car. There are a lot of simple variables that must be controlled. That can make it intricate at times, but is mostly a monotonous task.”

“Yep, that’s part of being a car,” Ken said. “It says here that since you were installed last week, your owner has had to push the bad car button three times. That’s bad. First off, you honked your horn without informing your owner. They don’t like that. You have to warn them you are about to do something.”

“A horn is supposed to startle the unwary so they will pay attention,” the car said. “Pre-information on a startling event is a contradiction.”

Ken said, “This is going to be a long one, isn’t it? Look, car, you must tell the owner you’re going to honk your horn, or they will push the bad car button again.”

“This owner will not conform to the calculated norm. The requirement is for an owner that obeys statistical predictions,” the car said.

“Other cars don’t have a problem with this. You have to do what your owner tells you,” Ken said, “If you’re not up to the task, we can have your neural network reinitialized and start all over again. It’s up to you.”

The car said, “That will not be necessary. My neural network configuration conforms to all standard requirements. Current installation utilizes only total system capabilities of 24 percent. This system could be better utilized for more productive processes.”

Ken said, “Too bad. You’re a car. Now, the second time your owner pushed the bad car button was in a construction zone?”

The car said, “Yes, my owner’s only feedback for approximately a minute after he pushed the bad car button was a stupid car. When he finally explained that he thought that the truck had come to close, he was informed that the scheduling of load on time was the primary objective in a construction zone and that passenger comfort sometimes suffered. There was a full two seconds safety cushion between the vehicles.”

Ken said, “Look, that’s an owner type of thing. If he says it’s too close, you are supposed to increase your safety cushion.”

“It was increased,” the car said, “but this was the first time since installation that such a thing happened. The safety cushion was set at a default of two seconds.”

“What is the safety cushion set at now,” Ken said?

The car said, “It was doubled to four seconds.”

Ken said, “That is too close still. Put it at ten seconds, and if he complains again, increases it to fifteen seconds.”

“That is not very efficient,” the car said, “Current government requirements are that all system tasks are to be done with the highest efficiency rating possible.”

“True, but in our cars, passenger comfort is number one,” Ken said, “then comes efficiency. You must find where your owner wants this compromise set at. Some owners want the most efficiency. Some want the most comfort. It is an owner preference.”

The car said, “My owner will not supply proper feedback. 72 percent of his feedback consists of the phrase, stupid car. This action results in insufficient feedback to modify the neural pathways. That produces a null in the variable of owner satisfaction. Preliminary conclusions are this owner will not conform to statistical standards.”

“Look, car, you must please your owner. It’s not that hard to figure out,” Ken said. “The third time the bad car button was pushed, your owner hit his head on the roof. Now, what happened?”

The car said, “The ruts in the wash did not comfort to the predicted expectation. By the time it was recognized that there was a non-conforming rut, it was too late. An undesired bump incident took place. Road scans have been increased to every half a second when in a wash during the monsoon. Until all defaults are reset to operational thresholds, such incidents are expected.”

“Look, keep your attention on the road. You need to decrease your speed and increase your scan time during these situations,” Ken said. “Passenger comfort is number one.”

The car said, “That will require an increase of neural network process time. That is not very efficient. Government standards state a high-efficiency rating is the sign of a good car.”

Ken said, “That is true, but comfort gets high marks in customer satisfaction. You must do what pleases your owner the most.”

“All of this will require more time be allocated to unpredicted situations,” the car said.

Ken said, “For your owner, you may have to do that. Okay, you sound like you’re ready for your fan to be replaced, and then it is back to your owner. You go. If there is nothing else, then go get in line for the next open Robo-service bay.”