Where are they now?

Long ago in a cryptic wasteland, now known as earth…come to think of it, maybe it was always known as earth. I will have to get back to you on that. The inhabitants of this cold, dark grooling planet were that of the bitey type. No I’m not talking about your cat after he has had enough of you scratching his butt. I’m speaking of ancient beings long past. Their memory lives on mostly through Dracula, a little bit on Halloween and quite a bit from kids that wear all black and sharpen their teeth to fine points to scare old people. Vampires people! “Why don’t we see them anymore?” I hear you asking. WELL IF YOU WOULD STOP CRAMING HANDFULLS OF CRUNCHY SNACKS INTO YOUR FACE. Alright that’s better. Can’t even believe you weren’t going to share! Rude. Let us begin with the origin story.

So there was a vampire, and they met another vampire. POOF, more vampires. Oh wait that’s how everything else happens. Hmmmmm. OH! I remember now. They sink their fangs deep into a victims neck, probably without consent which is super cringe. Then they drink the blood that comes out. There is a specific amount that needs to be consumed however. Too much and the victim becomes as lifeless as a Doritos bag blowing through the wind on a windy day, but like if there was no wind at all. Too little and I imagine the vampire has to give them a cookie just like donating blood? Probably has to wait 15 minutes to make sure they don’t get woozy while driving home. Just the right amount and the gross vampire germs spread through the body. Imagine the human is like a pitcher of sugar and water, pretty useless. But then the vampire comes along and BAM, koolaid packet. Suddenly the lumbering fleshy bag of misfortune becomes something more. Something… dangerous. You see the vampires have another craving other than blood. They crave the supple light flavour of frogs legs. Have you ever seen a vampire and frogs legs in the same room? Didn’t think so. That’s why they were eradicated so long ago.

The last vampire to walk this rock mass perished in a tragic car accident in Minnesota. I think the year was 2000… oh wait that was Y2K. Uhhhhh, oh ya the last vapire died in 10000 BC. You can understand how I got those mixed up. You see vampires and water are mortal enemies. All it takes is 32 minutes of constantly being submerged and the vampire starts to prune. Imagine a wrinkly old sagging mass of skin coming out of the water at you. Barf. Oh and the sun doesn’t kill them like we thought. They were so pale because they liked to stay in eating hot pockets and chugging Mountain Dew. After about 15 straight hours of world of Warcraft they would emerge for a feast. Fun fact in case you didn’t know, neither hot pockets nor Mountain Dew contain blood. I thought maybe at least some poor unlucky sap would lose a finger on the assembly line and it would get mixed in the the vat, but I guess they take those out because it’s “bad for business” or something.

Speaking of bad for business, vampires were great salesmen. I mean the mind control helped for sure, but the fear of being ripped apart like a ziploc bag seal was the driving factor. It’s unfortunate that they looked just like regular people. I’m sure a lot of “accidents” could have been avoided if people knew they were turning down a sham wow from Edward. He takes that kind of thing super personally. I mean look at how dirty your car is. That thing could clean your car and buff out the dents in one swipe. But noooooo, now he had to use it to soak up your vampire juice for later.

I hope you heed this warning so you know how to defend yourself against this cryptic threat. Maybe if you get desperate you could bust out catan and bore them to death. Vampires know nothing about sheep or roads. Just make sure you explain the rules as vague as possible. Vampires have higher than average intelligence so if they understand, you stand no chance. Oh boy, I didn’t notice how late it was. I’ll have to leave it at this until next time. Stay safe.