When The Night Is Darker

I give up on tossing and turning if it's going to stay with me all night. As before, the hidden basement of the house that hid me away better than any other room could, seemed to be the same place that opened up every memory inside of me that I didn't want to resurface. It gave me cold sweats, and a numb body, I couldn't live going through it until morning.

I inched for the general floor. I've memorized the stairs that creaked more than the others that I could go up almost without a sound, and it undisturbed the silence in its entirety. That gave away that Carmine managed to pass out for the night, and that gave me right to the fresh air my lungs were itching for.

I stepped out onto the balcony, bare foot to its iced glaze, to stare out at the moon above me. It was full tonight, and my heart envied it because it knew it couldn't be even if the memories of the moon triggered worser things. It had to accept that any sort of happiness that it could grab ahold of had to be short lived. There's no such thing as long term happiness in my vocabulary, and there wouldn't be in my lifetime.

A broken heart doesn't live inside of you without making a fuss, and it's accompanying droplets would someday dry out my eyes as an addition to the deserts out there. My eyes were stinging because of the life that I've been forced into; and even though I was trying to change because of Carmine's wishes upon me, I still didn't want to be me. It made my life harder, but worse, it made his life harder.

"Arizona? What are you doing? Are you crazy? What if someone sees you?" The sound of footsteps behind me from inside stopped frantically when they caught sight of something, and right after I could feel the stare going into the back of my head. That something was certainly me, and this supervision was exactly what I had in mind that made things difficult for the both of us. "Just because we're located at the edge of town doesn't mean we can take chances. The governments already shown that they know where this place is. They overturned the whole house, for crying out loud! Why did you come out here?"

I wiped away my tears that the light breeze failed to do for me, putting a smile on my face in attempts to hide away the feeling inside, before I could get myself to turn to look at the only person it could be, Carmine. I kept calm, despite his panic, if that meant it'd tone down his fears. "The sky seemed to call out to me tonight. It's a full moon, see? It's a pretty sight."

"From the looks of it, I'd know that better than you. Your eyes are swelled up with tears I don't think you can see anything." He whisper-yelled to me, still inside his house. There was a change to his voice when he knew I was crying, and he let me be, standing out where I was without interference.

He didn't join me outside, at least not yet. I could tell he was concerned, but the way the words hit me didn't get to me that way. I felt mocked, but with the state I was in about everything would make me feel something negative, and I knew not to take it personal.

A jacket was placed on my shoulders when he did come, and he put his own jacket onto his. It's only then I realized how badly I was shivering and how cold it really was. Looking up at the moon himself, and glancing around at the bright stars that surrounded it, - brighter than I've ever seen being further out from the city - he prepared the right words to say.

He decided not to comfort me, but to give me the spotlight, and that's what I liked about him. He knew what he needed. He always knew. "I'll listen, if you want to talk." He said.

That's exactly what I wanted him to say, but I couldn't let myself do that so easily.

I gulped. The whole process of tears trying to make a road for themselves down my face was up and running again, and it made my throat blocked, and achy. "Why would the person that's making all your problems talk to the one whose been providing all her solutions? I know I'm a burden but I can't be one on purpose. You can't expect that I'll just pour myself out to you."

"First of all, you're not a problem, Riz. Since when was the person that added light into your life a problem? How can I get that across to you?" He shifted from foot to foot, freezing, and in search for warmth, with refusal to step back inside if I wasn't. His words took off a slight amount of weight off my shoulders, but I almost wanted to find a way to pull it back down. I deserved that punishment. "Second of all, I'm not saying that you have to pour yourself out to me. I'm saying that I'm willing to listen to talk to you if you want to talk. That's up to you."

The hesitation that I lost during the kiss we shared and only that kiss, was finding it's way back to me, and I didn't know if it was better to respond or to keep my lips tight while before him like this, but when I saw him sigh in disappointment that I wasn't willing to open myself up to him, it unlocked something in me that told me I should talk to the rare person that wants to listen to me.

He nearly gave up, expecting that I wouldn't say a word to him, and nearly accepted that all he could do was stay by my side during the harsh thoughts in my mind. It's then I spoke up. He deserved it after all of it's what he wanted. He's the only person in a long time that's been there for me.

As I took a deep breath, and he noticed that I would end up talking, it seemed to bring him happiness that he had to mask away his smile. It was a weird sight to take notice of. He was so open to hearing what's on my mind that if he couldn't, it physically, mentally, and emotionally pained him. That's love isn't it? If it isn't, I don't know what is. How this man has come into my life is something only God knows.

"Before I stumbled into your hands, or your mom's is what it was first, huh? - I wouldn't have guessed to have a life like this, and when I ended up getting it, I started to let myself dream for more. I never let myself dream before because it's false hope, but now that I've let myself, I've realized things I want that I've naturally missed out on that I don't want to miss out on anymore." I took a look at the stars again, because seeing his eyes would make me cry all over again. "There's so much pleasure and smiles people find in the moments that don't mean anything, and it's not made for me."

Carmine didn't respond. He was listening thoroughly to me trying to make sense of the mess that was my feelings, and he didn't intervene as I tried to do so. It's not all the time that I've done this, expressing-your-feelings-thing, and Carmine knew that. The most I've ever done is to him.

"People love love. They try to act like they don't, but they do, and that's why the best-selling novels and movies are always romantic. Same thing goes with songs." I coughed to clear out my throat, but it didn't do anything I could notice. "You know yourself, you've had scenes on TV where you cuddled a girl and played with her hair. Maybe peck her cheek even, and people love to watch that. I know that I get that with you and that it's real. I really do, and I trust that, but it's never going to be something that I can be proud of. Something that I can shout from the rooftops. Because I'm some virus to everyone out there except you. It'd make me so happy to let people know that this is the man I got, but I can't be proud because I'm not pretty. I'm not 100 and apparently that's a sin that changes everything. Suddenly people hate love."

He was once again silent. I could tell his heart was quaking when he watched me degrade myself low-key, and I started to get what Connie said about having some power about reading Carmine's heart like an Angel could, just because she knew him so well. I knew I was so badly influenced by how the world works, but when it's so unaccepting that I can't take a step outside by my true colors, it's not surprising that it turns out that way.

I kept talking. Though I knew that his heart hurt, it didn't for him, but for me, and he would've wanted me to continue. He would've made me if I stopped. "One day, I hope that those things will be a life that I can live too. Just to be able to express love and be loved by the person I want that people wish to be us. Instead of focusing so much on how my features aren't up to par, they'll be happy that we made each other our first choice and they'll praise the love that can last a lifetime and more. I'm tired of having to bury myself when I show myself to the public. I'm tired of you having to bury me."

I held my breath, trying to ignore the atmosphere that smelled and tasted of downcast and gloominess. That's what I turned it into after talking so much about myself, but doing it helped me to understand even what I felt like, when I didn't exactly get it before, and I loved that feeling, maybe too much. "I really do feel so weird on the set every time, knowing that love is meant to be open and bragged about that they even put it in the movies because I know that that's not a life for me. Our lives are so opposite of each other's that it's scary sometimes." I laughed when I said it, trying to change the air around us and to brush it off like nothing, but with the tears that were already fallen and that I couldn't have noticed, it wasn't believable.

Carmine didn't show one bit of amusement. He was examining me doing my best to stop any gesture that would give away that I still wanted to cry, that I had to fight with every cell, but he didn't say a word, and besides the wind chimes that would whistle as the breeze would come through there was nothing between us for a good while. He was at my side though, and that was something.

Honestly, it was everything.

"One day, you'll have that life too, Arizona." He finally said and his voice shocked me after I haven't heard it, but in a good way that it shot energy throughout my veins.

"Carmine-." I was going to argue against him, and he seemed to know. He didn't let me finish.

"Seriously, Arizona. I'll prove it to you. I proved that I would kiss you right? After you told me to? I don't regret that, and that one might've been easier to prove, but I can prove this to you too. Have I ever lied to you, girly?" I shook my head as he reassured me, his hand rubbing my shoulder. It showed he was here with me and always would be. "Tell me to prove it to you, Arizona, and you'll see. You'll get the life that you deserve to live if you just give me time."

I smiled sadly. It was all I could do. Part of me doubted him. Part of me couldn't expect good things, but part of me wanted to hope. Part of me wanted to dream once more. "Prove it, Carmine Jung."

"Your wish is my command, Arizona Yu."