When Silence Releases Me

A vase crashes onto the ground in the kitchen.

'Ahhhh!' I hear my mum’s scream fill the air.

I sit in the basement trying to block out the noise.

But her screams become too much to bare. I run out of my so-called room to see him clutching her blonde strands in his hands to the point that her skin is being tugged in an upward direction from the pressure of his grip.

'You stupid bitch! I saw you talking to Callum today! Did you enjoy his attention, you slut!' my father spits out at my mum.

‘Dad, stop!’ I grab his hand attempting to loosen his grip on her. Instead he shoves me out of the way and I fall to the ground.

‘No one respects me in this house!’ he says swaying on the spot and taking another swig of his beer.

‘Nothing happened. I was only talking to Callum, we’re just friends.’ My mum pleads.

‘Lies! All you do is lie to me you stupid wench!’ he says slamming her onto to the kitchen table, he puts his arms around her neck, squeezing.

‘I…can’t breathe…’ she chokes out.

Biling hot anger engulfs me and I rush toward him, slamming into him and knocking him to the ground. I pant from the exertion it took to get fully grown man to the ground.

I pull my mother up from from the table to inspect her and I see the full extent of the damage that he has inflicted on her, her skin already swelling and bruising.

I'm repaid with a slap across the face, ‘You stupid boy!’ she shoves me away from her, ‘who asked you to get involved in our affairs.’

My hand goes up to my cheek, feeling the heat that is left over from the force of the hit.

My shoulders shake in mirth, I don’t know why I thought today would be any different. Of course she wouldn’t want my help, she chooses to live with this lowlife everyday.

As I marvel at my own stupidity, my father recovers, and is standing up walking over to me with an evil glint in his eye. He’s out for blood.

I don’t even try to run, I’ve done that before and it’s never done me any good. It’s only resulted in more pain.

His smile is sinister as he undoes his belt buckle. I stare at him dead in the eye, my gaze devoid of any emotion. ‘So you think you’re a tough guy, huh?’ he says smacking his belt in his hands, he circles me like the cornered animal that I am and slams the belt against my back faster than I can react to avoid it.

I try not to cry out in pain but still end up buckling over from the force. ‘You stupid piece of shit! I clothe you, I feed you, I let you live in my house and this is how you repay me, by putting your hands on me boy?!’ he whips me with the belt catching my shoulder blade with the sharp edge of the belt buckle causing my skin to split.

‘I’ll show you whose the boss of this house, you filthy little rat!’ Another whip assaults my body, searing pain lashing at my senses.

He leans down to my crouching figure and growls out, ‘I’m not even sure that you’re my real son.’ He says pointing at my mother, ‘This slut lets any man between her legs, so for all I know I’ve been raising a bastard for all these years.’

‘How dare you say that!’ My mother says in outrage.

He punches her in the stomach, and she chokes on air, ‘Shut up bitch, I’m not finished with you yet. So wait your turn.’

He fixes his attention on me, whacking me with the belt again. This time he doesn’t relent, he keeps going venting his anger all the while telling me what a useless piece of shit I am how I’m nothing and no one without him.

I shut him out as I lay there battered and bruised, bored with my life, wondering why I even continue to exist. Eventually he tires, and spits on the ground, ‘You useless piece of trash, you’re lucky that I don't throw you out on the streets!’ He takes his beer and wobbles out of the kitchen, collapsing on the couch and turning on the footy.

‘See what you did! You should’ve just stayed out of it like I told you to! Stupid boy!’ she sneers. She walks off to her room leaving me there just like she always does.

I must have drifted off to sleep, because I’m jolted awake when my father kicks me in the stomach. ‘Get up!’ he drops some money on the ground, ‘Go buy me another case of beers, now!’

As soon as he’s out of sight, I slowly get up. My body protests, wanting nothing more than rest, but I know what the consequences will be if I don’t get the case of beers. So I push past the pain and grab my coat on my way out of the house.

It’s so cold outside that I create mini puffs of fog with each inhale and exhale of my breath. I look up at the sky and notice that the sun is starting to set.

Time seems to stand still on this street as it doesn't faze the people out and about. The kids in the street are laughing and throwing snowballs at each other, while the parents are sitting around a bonfire chatting away with their friends.

I look at the group longingly, and instantly dismiss the seed of hope trying to sprout at the thought that one day me and my family could be like that. I continue walking past them and onto the frozen pond.

Everyone in our street uses the frozen pond as a shortcut to the town, as well as a makeshift ice-skating rink on the weekends.

I’m about half way to the town, when I trip and my foot sinks into a hole in the frozen pond that I hadn’t noticed before. As I try and yank my foot out I hear a crack.

I instantly stop what I’m doing and the noise disappears. I breathe a sigh of relief and continue trying to get my leg free.

Without warning, the hole cracks, and the whole section of ice that I was standing on is no longer there. My body slips into the icy water of the pond before I can even find anything to grab onto.

My body goes into shock from the arctic temperature of the water. I try and pull myself out the hole that I’ve fallen into, but my now numb hands have nothing to grip onto and keep sliding against the slippery surface of the pond.

I struggle, and struggle, my hands turning pink and raw from the frostbite. My coat is now weighing my entire body down as I struggle to stay afloat on top of the surface of the pond.

I tread the water as I strip my coat off my body trying to alleviate some of the burden. I continue to try and get a foothold on the icy pond to pull myself up, but to no avail.

I’m shivering more and more as the cold bites into the marrow of my bones, eating me from the inside out.

Panic sets in as I realise I can’t get out of this hole on my own and the cold is starting to wreak havoc on my body and mind. The more I breathe the dizzier I am getting.

‘Help!’ I shout at the top of my lungs, ‘Anybody out there? Please I need help!’ I continue for what feels like hours, but must’ve been minutes, ‘Somebody, anybody, help!’

I continue treading water and breathe deeply to control the assault of the cold. When no ones answers and I see no one in sight, I realise its pointless. It dawns on me that there is no one in the world that cares about me.

My father was right I am a waste of space, otherwise someone would’ve found me by now. All the words he ever called me and said about me came flooding back to me, “Useless”, “Stupid” , “Bastard”, “Waste of space” like poison corroding me from the inside out.

I realise I was never loved. My existence on earth was meaningless.

Memories of yelling, blood, bruises, pain and suffering flow through my mind like a movie.

The fog from my breath blows upward coercing me to follow its destination and I look up and see the sky dyed in red, as different tones of orange and red streak in all different directions.

The fight leaves my body, and I let my body float to the surface as I bob up and down like a plank of wood. I can no longer feel anything or hear anything.

I just see the bright red sky mixed with the purple night sky that is catching up to swallow the last rays of light for the day. As the cold seeps into my blood stream and steals the last of my senses, an overwhelming sense of calm and peace overtakes me.

My breathing, heartbeat and movement slow down as my body steadily shuts down. The silence of the world coaxes me into a deep slumber where nothing hurts and matters anymore.