What Should I Say?

What should I say to him? The truth? No, that's definitely not an option. Hmmm. A pause. A thought. The waiting. The knowing. You know what? Why not? Why isn't it an option? It's certainly how I feel. Why not tell him? Be honest. Tell the truth. Keep it real. If he feels the same way, he'll be thankful I took this first step. Got it out of the way so we could move forward.

[He'll be here soon. He's probably walking here now. Slow, intentional, yet rattly, exhale.]

But wait. What am I doing?! What if he doesn't feel the same way? Oh God. What a mistake this could be. There's no turning back from this point. There's no unsaying those words.

[I probably have only a few seconds to decide our fate. Which way will this go?]

Although. Is that such a bad thing? Would I really want to go back to that limbo. To that not knowing. To that state of what if…? To that constant wondering and confusion? Do his lingering glances and fingertips mean the same thing that mine do? Does his heart light up when our eyes meet too? Do the sparks fly for him when our skin touches or we share a knowing look?

When he says those things, am I crazy to think they mean what I think they mean? When he makes those comments, that make me smile. And when I say, “think,” I mean know. I know they mean what I know he means.

Am I too obvious?

Does he know?

Blushing. Smiles to self. I hope so. I hope he knows. I want him to.

[Can I be sure of what I'll do when he arrives? Sure, I can tell myself I've decided what I'm going to say. Which way I'll go: one direction or another. But when I see that face, when his eyes meet mine. Slow exhale to steady myself.]

I can't be sure what will come out of my mouth. No matter how many times I've practiced it to perfection in my mind. Rehearsals may be going perfectly at this point, but the live show is an unpredictable minefield of nerve-inducing, word-forgetting obstacles. Feelings that leave me frozen. Emotions that change my mind. Looks and words that make me question myself. Even, begin to forget myself entirely. (Dare I say, intentionally?) In that moment, I become nothing but the object in his gaze. Someone who needs desperately to be all he needs in this moment. This here and now and for eternity. I want to be his everything. I hope he feels the same way. I dream of being this person for him. I fantasize of being the one he desires. I pray when I finally open my heart to him and let all this spill out and flow back to the ocean, being pulled by the gravitational force of the moon in the crest and fall of the waves that he is in that boat with me. That his soul is being rocked by the way this has affected our lives and his world is on board flowing with the current of our special brand of electricity, the way mine has been since the day we met.

Wow. That got really poetic. Maybe I'll tell him that too. If I'm feeling brave enough.

Oh, he's walking in the room. Oh, god. This is it. Exhales with intention. Deep breaths.

Hey.

Hey.

I've been wondering. I mean, I've been wanting to say. Are we on the same page?...