What if

4:22 am and I cannot sleep. I have tried every possible position, but dreams cannot find me. I have been here for at least 3 hours, and I cannot even keep my eyes closed, let alone fall asleep. The blood is rushing through my veins, almost as if it is racing with an army of my thoughts. Which one will win and be the end of me?

I don’t want to find that one out, so I just turn on my left side for the hundredth time and reach for a good old childhood remedy: counting the sheep. Why not? I haven’t tried that one yet. Maybe a flock of sheep will scare my haunting worries away. One, two, three, four…

…101. No, clearly this isn’t going to work. Seems like tonight the relentless cascade of doubt and fear take on a wolf costume and devour me and my sheep. A sense of helplessness starts to envelop me. My heart is thudding my chest, each beat a painful reminder that I am still here, alone on the battleground called life with nowhere to hide, and nowhere to run. I am a prisoner of this labyrinth where all turns are guarded by disappointment, shame, and hate. The nerves start to get the better of me, and I become agitated. My body feels so hot but somehow, I am cold. Icy even from the storm of real darkness reaching me. What if I am trapped in an endless loop of dread and anxiety? What if I don’t find anything that can keep me in this timebomb of a body constantly counting down to an end? What if I simply go through the exit door leaving all this suffering behind?

The reoccurring images of an uncertain tomorrow keep daunting me as I am just lying flat on my back and facing the ceiling. If I keep my eyes open, I might be able to keep the flood of thoughts away that are feasting on my brain. I just really need to focus on that damn ceiling. It is still dark, but the moonlight has found a way into my room brightening everything inside. I am momentarily locked into observing the enchanting glow as it creates a gradient of light and darkness on my bedroom walls, but it passes soon. Frustration rises in me as I check my phone for the time – almost 5 am.

Tonight, I have been robbed of sleep, so I just give up this utterly futile battle. I slid out of the bed and made my way to the window. The world outside was bathed in a cool light from the moon peeping through the clouds. A surge of impulse washed over me, and I couldn’t ignore it. With a quiet resolve, I quickly put on a sweater, collected my keys, and began to climb the stairs to the roof top.

As I step through the door to the roof, a chilly starless night, and a full moon, like a luminous orb in the gloomy sky welcome me. I head to my usual spot and sit down silently joining the moon’s company. She casts such a beautiful silver light illuminating all under this dark night. She sits up there in solitude, and yet she looks radiant and calm. Proudly showering in the brilliance she received from the distant sun which then she shares with the Earth and all its inhabitants. Like she is mocking me that even alone, even with a borrowed shine, and even when clouds conspire to obscure her existence, she is just there fiercely continuing to glow. A queen in her own right, not requiring a glittering court of stars to highlight her beauty. Nor does she mind her play is nearing to the final curtain too. She remains committed to emanate both resilience and grace. And I find myself wanting to know, to question this celestial pearl, how.

I kept my gaze locked on the astronomical heroine, but no answer came, only a flood of feelings and sensations that coursed through my body. My chest tightened as anxiety preyed on me stealing my very breath and forcing my tears out. Even so, there was a promise hiding behind the pain I felt. As if the silver light casted the shadows of worry and suffer away. No noise filled the air other than my subdued sobbing, but I swear the moon’s silent wisdom was so loud that it was heard by all the broken souls sitting beneath her. The next thing I know, the internal storm starting to ease its grip on me. What if I can also find a way to shine despite my inner demons? What if there is a role for me in this short play? What if I can be a little bit like the moon, the symbol of hope?