What do you want to be?

We drove up the snowy, winding road towards the cozy A-frame cabin. By snowy, I mean slushy. Like the worst kind of slush that just coats the roads in a cold sludge. You know, the snow that's more gray than white, and takes away years of your life if you stare too long? That snowy.

By winding road, I mean only road. Winding is a cute term for death trap, which is what that aforementioned slush turned this into. This all wouldn't have been so bad if I could drive. Which I couldn't. I couldn't drive down a four lane traffic free highway under perfect weather. Still, onward I drove. Either toward oblivion or a 'vacation'.

By cozy A-frame I mean clearly semi-haunted Lincoln log hate-shack. I was convinced it had been the model that the 16th president had based his own ideas off of.

Lastly by we, I meant me. It had been a trip meant for two. A lovely getaway set for two people. But of course that could only happen if Sarah and I were still engaged. Which we weren't.

I know what you're thinking. Why would you spend money on a trip that you obviously hate? Well, cause Sarah wanted it. She would've seen the slush as a challenge, the winding road as an adventure, and the haunted BnB as a mystery to be solved. But she's not here. It's just me. Driving. Listening to Panic! at the Disco on repeat.

It took me four and a half hours what would've taken her two, and when I finally got to the place it was dark.

I popped open the lockbox and moseyed on inside only to be greeted by a very cold interior. A flick of a switch and I could see that I would need to hurry up and get the fireplace started. The cabin was nearly as cold on the inside as I was.

I got to work on the fire, and eventually the dingy room warmed up. It was a single room typical A-frame, so I would be sleeping and lounging in the living room.

Of course when you go to a spot that was meant for two people by yourself, your mind wanders into directions you may not be comfortable with it going.

"Kevin, what do you want to be?" She'd always ask that a lot. I never had a good answer. Sometimes I said something childish, like a fire fighter. Sometimes I'd say, an astronaut. Other times, I'd say 'married to you' or something corny like that. I don't think I ever really got the answer she was looking for.

When I'd ask her what she wanted to be, it was always the same.

Brave.

She certainly proved that point.

I brought the ring along with me. That was pretty stupid, I know. Some say I should've let her keep it. But to hell with that. I paid good money for it, and by all means it was mine to give, and at this point, to take.

It was a wooden ring. She said she hated the diamond mining that happens in other parts of the world, and that she wouldn't accept anything that had a huge rock on it. So I got her a bit of tree instead. That tree was an old and solid hickory from her grandfather's old farm that I had tailor designed to fit her tiny fingers. Maybe you think I should've let her keep it now too. But remember that you're supposed to be on my side Mom.

You always said "If you hold on too tight to something, you'll lose it for sure," I think you might've stolen that from somewhere but I don't know where. I kind of hate that. Maybe it's that I didn't hold on tight enough.

Here's the thing, she could've done it in a million different ways, but she chose today? She chose our anniversary? She chose the day after the refund date for the BnB? Now that's just petty.

You said you liked her when you met her. Let me tell you some things you might not know.

First, did you know that when she said she liked your cooking she was lying through her teeth? She told me later that she hates chili, the texture, the beans everything, but she wanted you to like her so bad.

Did you know that she woke me up every single night with her snoring? Every. Single. Night. Did I tell her? Nope. She'd ask me how I slept, and I was a trooper, I just said 'like a baby'.

There's probably a hundred bad things you don't know, but I was willing to deal with it. For the long haul mind you. Through the thick and thin. But no. She used to produce the loudest farts in the morning like you wouldn't believe. And you know, it's crazy the things you miss when they're not around.

The fire needs more wood, but that means I'd have to go around and get it. Sarah was always more suited to doing this sort of stuff. Might as well though. Gonna need it if I'm gonna keep drinking.

Well I bet you're wondering right now how I messed up. Or what did I do? I'll tell you.

Nothing.

That really is it. I did nothing. I should've said something or done something. But I didn't.

I just watched.

I watched as the bullets started flying. I watched as that stupid precious little girl was too shocked to move. I watched as Sarah in all of her brash athleticism leapt to her defense. I watched as those bullets tore into Sarah's back and neck. I watched as people terrified ran away from the pooling mess. I watched, and I watched, and I watched.

I've got one piece of wood left in my hands, but you know I can't throw that in there. The fire's gonna go out real soon Ma, so I can't write anymore. Can't drink anymore either. It's all gone. I want her to ask me again. I want her to ask me one more time what I want to be.

Why do you suppose that girl's mother ran away?

Maybe she should've wanted to be brave.

Maybe I should've wanted to be brave.