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Welcome To MAGA Speed Dating

Satire For Those Who Want To Do It For Their Country

By Jason ProvencioPublished 16 days ago 5 min read
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I’m Marjorie Taylor Greene, and I can help you get some prime MAGA ass. Let’s do this shit!

Welcome to MAGA Speed Dating! I’m Your Host, Marjorie Taylor Greene. Wow, what an amazing turnout for our first get-together. I’m so proud to be a gun-toting, lobster foot-having, former serial gym member-banging patriot who is also your host.

Judging by the size of this crowd, I can see that many of you are having trouble getting laid. Well, that’s something I can help with. Perhaps not personally, but I can tell you some secrets and tips from my well-laid plans to help you secure some well-laid ass.

Let’s discuss the ground rules. I don’t know about you, but I don’t care much about following the rules. Being told what I shouldn’t do pisses me off. Makes me feel like jumping in a helicopter with my AR-15 and shooting up a bunch of pigs. And not metaphorically, I’ve actually done that shit before.

Prove it? Sure.

Man, fuck them hogs. ‘Murica first. If you ain’t first, you’re last. Shake and bake!

So tell me not to encourage an insurrection and I’ll tell you to quit being a socialist, commie snowflake. Watch me melt you down with the pull of a trigger. Red-hot firepower always makes me wet in my panties. Though that makes it harder for Daddy Trump to grab. He has small hands, you know.

Anyway, enough about me. MAGA Speed Dating is going to take our wonderful country by storm! Since our birthrate is on the decline here in ‘Murica, there needs to be an increase in boning. I’m here to help facilitate that.

But just remember one thing: MSD is not responsible should you conceive a child out of wedlock. And now that we have the Supreme Court on our GOP side, don’t even THINK about trying to get an abortion. We will prosecute you to the full extent of the law if you try to make reproductive decisions for yourself.

That’s up to God, not women. He has far more intelligence and common sense than the female gender. We care about unborn, innocent babies. Well, until they’re born, anyway. You breed ’em, but don’t expect us to feed ‘em. We don’t care about them until they’re old enough to join the military.

Once your babies are 18, we’ll care about them again. Photo by Diego González on Unsplash

Please note: MAGA Speed Dating is for straight people only. No gender-fluid sinners are allowed to participate. This event is solely for straight people who are looking to create life and help overpopulate the Earth. Which is flat, by the way.

The liberal fake news media will attempt to convince you that the Earth isn’t flat. They’re lying to you. So are the scientists who attempt to validate and confirm their story about the Earth being round. They will use smoke and mirror-type things like intelligence, research, college degrees, and knowledge.

Don’t listen to them. I know more than they do.

Ok, so it appears the women are outnumbered here at MAGA Speed Dating by about 17-to-1. Please allow me to put my shoes back on really quick, I had to take them off to count all the way to twenty. But that damn lobster foot of mine makes it about 17-to-1.

Counting past ten is hard. I like open-toed shoes, it’s easier to count to 17. Who needs an abacus with these feet? Photo: Wikimedia Commons.

All right, Men. Turn to your right and surround any woman you can find. No, your other goddamn right. Yeah, there you go. Since we have that 17-to-1 ratio, it’s gonna get damn competitive up in here. Show her your stuff, Fellas.

Jesus Remington! Pull your pants back up! That’s not what I meant about showing her your stuff. You do that on your own free time, in private.

Save that vanilla-flavored missionary position sex for the Motel 6 down the road. And don’t even think about oral or anal. Jesus doesn’t want your lemonade sticks or fudge factories in anyone else’s mouth. Sex is for procreation only.

Ok, spit your chew into the containers we’ve provided you, and turn to your left. Your LEFT. Godammit, the opposite direction from that first one! Now talk to the next lady in a football huddle formation.

Not too close, Billy Bob. Let her breathe. You don’t want her to feel that overbearing, suffocating feeling until after you’re married. Once she’s become your property. You’ll thank me when she’s making your chicken fried steak five times a week.

If she makes a hell of a chicken fried steak and wants to have your child, put a ring on it. Image by Tomas Ratkevicius from Pixabay

Now don’t just stand there drooling and looking at her tits. Talk to her. Get a feel for who she is, as a woman. Ask her about her goals and dreams.

If they involve having a career or choices about her uterus, please flag me down, and I’ll call security. We do NOT allow woke women in our MAGA Speed Dating events. This isn’t fucking Vermont.

Ok, let’s pause for a break. We’ll be serving snacks here momentarily. Mayo sandwiches, Moon Pies, and RC Colas are on their way. If you suffer from the ‘Beetus like I’m certain many of you appear to, you might want to ask for light mayo on your sandwiches.

I’m going to go take a quick smoke break in the back room. Cigarettes? No, pole. I have to blow the owner of the building. I gotta get that 50% discount, plus Mama needs her sex fix.

Hey, he enjoys a little bit of lobster-foot fetish play. And I’m happy to show him my snapper, too. Though it kind of has a tuna smell and aftertaste. There are a few crabs, too. Don’t be mad that he’s getting seafood and you’re stuck with mayo sammies, Moon Pies, and RC Cola.

It’s the trickle-down effect. Most of you are still fans of Reganomics, right? How is that working out for y’all? Tell all of your trailer park neighbors about the joy of MAGA Speed Dating. ‘MURICA! &:^)

Satire
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About the Creator

Jason Provencio

Husband, father, writer, and poet. I love blogging about family, politics, relationships, humor, and writing. Buy me a coffee? https://ko-fi.com/jasonpro9

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