We Are All Sorry

Karmen never knew it all but she did know the sun sets best when her head is clear and the windows only fog when her mind is in the bottle. She hasn’t had the best life, but she hasn’t had it bad enough to complain. She blankets herself with Cabernet and watches her dog chase his tail each night. What a blessing she thinks of her life, to come home with wine and paws and sit amongst the silence. She is a daily drinker, meaning, the drink drank her. Nobody ever saw Karmen lit up like a balloon, she only drank alone and always sank in the same pink chair. She is a skinny woman with thin lips and long black hair. She works as a spacey receptionist at a plastic surgeon’s office. She is cordial with her coworkers but her lack of cosmetic alterations makes her stand out amongst the crew. Her thin lips have taunted her since high school but she can't bring herself to numb up and face a new kind of pain.

It was the summer of 2019 and Karmen became friends with a new coworker. Janet is fresh-faced and in her early thirties. She wears vintage clothes and dark black eyeliner and doesn’t give a damn about trends. She sees beauty in everyone but somehow never escapes her own.

"Women don't need mirrors, they need wine." She said to Karmen on her first day.

They quickly became friends and started meeting at Rubio’s for red every evening when they got off work. The first few months were more timid than tame. Karmen had never consumed alcohol in front of anyone and didn’t want to ruin her inner moral code. She calculated each pour and forced herself to stop before her thin lips loosened and she spoke slurs into the harsh, summer air. Janet was less aware of the hidden nature of booze and allowed it to flow down her throat without limitation. She would ramble about her sex life and compare partners to rodents. Karmen would sip and listen, slowly drifting into a warm glow of admiration.

Dating has never been in Karmen’s cards. She is a temperamental woman and set in her defeat. She is introverted to a fault and lazy at best. She is riddled with anxiety but manages it each night with a hefty pour. She never thought of anxiety as a character flaw, more so something she mended with haze. Karmen had one boyfriend for a little over a year. His name is Berry, he has long brown hair and a terrible habit of leaving his books in the rain. He has a garden as a front yard and is devoted to AA. A practical woman, Karmen knew it would end the same way it began. Everything is unexpected and everyone is sad. Berry would come over a few nights a week and disrupt the hours named for oblivion. He didn't know her pattern and certainly didn’t know the grip it had around her pale, skinny neck.

“Don’t you want to drink tea with me tonight?” he would ask her frequently.

“As if chamomile can erase the fear in my bones.” She’d chirp back without thinking.

She would meditate on that word before going to bed.

"Fear. What am I so afraid of, could it be I'm only afraid of myself?"

Berry and Karmen separated after a cordial noon meal. Karmen kept independence in her pocket and never took it out for anyone, not even for fresh tomatoes and wise, hipster men. She thinks about him often and faults herself for failing. She often drinks to these faults only to pile more on.

Christmas was coming and Karmen and Janet’s friendship remains sacred and steady. They split a bottle at five one Friday afternoon and it turned to two and then to three. Cabernet filled their cheeks and their teeth began to match the royal, ruby hue. With each sip, Karmen was slipping into slop, one drop away from delusion, delicately dressed as freedom.

“Let’s go to a dive bar! I have never been to a bar!” Karmen shouted between swigs.

“Nothing good happens at dives, but we weren’t made to be good anyway.” Janet preached back.

The two paid their tab and were off to Magic Mallards, the grimiest dive in town. They walked in and all the heads turned. Stumpy old men with cigarettes sat on ripped stools. Sinking into one more sorry, Friday night.

“What can I get for you ladies?” The stocky blonde asked.

“Two shots of whiskey,” Janet replied.

It didn’t occur to Karmen that Magic Mallards wouldn’t have wine. That was all she knew, but she decided comfort zones were for squares and she's shaped differently now. The whiskey burned her throat and showed through her eyes.

She could feel the whiskey heating her stomach the same way she could feel the kindness leaving her skin.

“You can handle brown liquor, can’t ya?” Janet questioned.

“Sure, I can handle anything!” Karmen smirked back.

“Well, it makes some people mean, I was just checking in.”

“Fuck that, I’m sweet as sin, don't you know me by now? Let’s order another!”

The shots came in twos and the temper crept in threes. Another hour down and Karmen was no longer known. Her face was flushed and her lids were drooping. She could no longer hide the addiction in her voice. Janet held on to her composure the same way she held on to her denial.

“You’re not as cool as you think you are, Janet. You have a lousy sense of style and you are sluttier than most. You are a skanky alcoholic who gets a buzz from denial. Someone needed to wake you up. You can’t live this filthy little lie anymore.” Karmen blurted out of nowhere.

“So, you can’t handle brown after all, huh?”

“Maybe I can’t. Maybe I shouldn’t! Because I’m not a drunk like you!”

“You're right, you're not a drunk like me, Karmen. You are a brutal, hateful drunk.”

Karmen picked up her purse and slammed money on the bar, then she took her wallet and hit Janet in the face, not hard, but hard enough.

“I’m out of here, stupid bitch!” She screamed.

Janet sat in shock and ordered another round. She drank herself sick and wondered why she remained the pit of all pain. “Maybe I do have a problem, maybe I do.”

Karmen woke up the next morning with a pounding in her head and shame in her sheets. She called out of work and reached for the phone.

“Berry, I’m coming to a meeting tonight.”

“You? What? Karmen, you don’t drink!”

“How can an alcoholic fool another one, Babe?”

Berry was silent for a few minutes.

“Jesus, good question kid, see you at six.”

Karmen got herself together and headed out the door. She arrived at the church right on time and found a seat next to Berry. He looked so healthy, and she sat so sadly. He was wearing the flannel she would wear around his house and she was so hungover she could only focus on the red stripes on his sleeve. She didn’t look around the room until the first story rang through the air.

“My name is Janet, and I’m an alcoholic. I binge and I sleep with strangers for fun. I get myself into trouble and I'm lousy at love. I am sloppy and I am limitless, I am unmanageable and I am scared.”

Karmen whipped her head up and instantly got sweaty. Sitting right in front of her was the woman she ripped apart. Her eyes started to get heavy and a tear slipped down her cheek.

“My name is Karmen and I’m an alcoholic. I thought I was in control but monsters are never calm. I am mean and I am vile, I am pained and I pain. Hurt people hurt people and I'm a fresh wound of sorts. I was not kind and I’m not sane but I am sorry. I am so fucking sorry.”

Janet began to cry and they both held their new books to their chests. They looked at each other the same way they used to look at the glass. With fear, shame, and love. So much love.

Sometimes you meet the right people at the wrong time. Sometimes the wrong people become right at the same time. Addiction finds addiction and healing finds strength.

We are all broken, we are all sorry, but we are no longer just a drink away.