Veil of Subconscious Awakening

Images slide behind my eyelids like film cadres, bursting with meanings. In one moment, I am a fast driver on a motorway, making the speedometer swing wildly like a crazy pendulum, only to jump into a descending plane in the next, slowly crash into the ground. At home, I meet a black cat in the kitchen staring at me with its googly green eyes. When I turn my head for a moment, he’s not there. All I can see is a pair of blue suede shoes leaning against the wall. I pick them up and put them on. When I look at them again, they’ve become black as night, causing me to blink my eyes and flinch.

I know this imitation of life couldn’t last long and I had to wake up, but I wish to know the outcome of some of the plots I encountered behind the veil of subconscious. Now when complete darkness disappeared, giving way to the bright light of day, I have no excuse to stay in bed. Although there is an excuse, my will. I have no intention of getting up and returning to my daily life. Not just yet. I want to keep the memories behind my eyelids for as long as I can hold onto them, cherish them and relive them. There is no hurt in there, no struggle, and I can be a humble player in my safe, passive observer seat. It is the most comfortable way, when you know that no one sees how afraid you might be.

I wiggle my toes, as I always do after waking up. They hurt from hours of walking, but this is the only activity that brings immense reserves of joy. I can simply follow the designated route and forget about the whole world that is chasing me, trying to tear away what is most vulnerable within me. Not this time, fellows! This time, you’d have to run after me, and I doubt you’d have enough air in your lungs to catch up with me. You can try, but your chances of success are minimal.

I wonder what this day has in store for me. What horrors or pleasures await me on this path. I think for a moment about the protection I have to muster to overcome all of this at every step of my journey. What measures must I implement to effectively confront this, to stop it from spinning and transforming before my eyes, altering the meaning and value of things?

Rejection here, rejection there, rejection everywhere. Sometimes I think that if I did nothing, the world around me would present itself exactly the same. For there is no difference if I am here or there, sitting, laying down, or standing. It all comes down to one massive rejection that casts a shadow over my actions and my entire life.

I finally muster up the courage to open my eyes. I lift my left eyelid first. A mixture of fear and uncertainty swirl in the air like a drone. When I open the right one, an ever-growing brightness appears on my horizon. Sunrays lurk through the blinds like a voyeur. I try to snatch them in my palms, one by one, like leaves from a snapped branch. They warm my hand for a moment, only to leave it stone cold in the next. Their flimsy nature can’t hold me for long, and I withdraw.

I imagine vast meadow lying its gangway in front of me, beckoning with a warm glow. I yield to this invitation. The delicate shadows of leaves brush against my face, shielding me from the worst of it. They alone remain innocent, staying by my side long after everyone else has gone. I entrust them with my secrets and my hope for a better tomorrow.

Sunrays on my face create an illusion of happiness. The dark veil of night has lifted, opening up the vast expanse of possibilities of a new day. A new day has just begun. Is there even a shred of happiness hidden in this? It’s time to find out.