Up On the Rooftop

”Jimmy, I promise! It’s the only way to see him! And just imagine how impressed he’ll be if he sees you waiting by the chimney!”

The littler boy looks up at the ladder.

Then he shifts to look up at his older brother.

“I dunno Tommy. When dad was working on the gutters he said I couldn’t help because I am too little.”

Tommy gives him a nudge. “That was last year little man-- and dad's not here! You’ve grown a lot since then. Wait... You’re not scared are you? And didn't you tell mom all you wanted for Christmas this year was to see Santa! I hope you weren't lying or Santa will skip our house.”

“I am not scared and I wasn’t lying! I never lie.” The little boy crosses his arms.

“Prove it then.” Tommy braces the ladder with one hand. “I’ll hold the base while you climb.”

Little Jimmy uncrosses his arms and wills himself to feel big.

Like Tommy.

Like their dad.

He places a mittened hand on the first wrung and takes a deep breath.

He looks up again. At the decorations their father put up.

The whole family thought it was hilarious, back when he did it: a ladder, a string of Christmas lights dangling half on the roof, half off, and a dummy made to look like a man, hanging from his ankle... halfway up the ladder.

It doesn’t look funny in the dark.

Not to Jimmy.

He had helped stuff old pants, a jacket, and a Halloween mask with newspaper to make the dummy.

So he knows it's not real.

But still.

He does not want to be near it.

Tommy was right, he is bigger now. But the little kid of last year isn't totally gone-- that part of him is still stupid and afraid... and silly.

That subdued part of his psyche feels certain that if he climbs past the dummy, it will wake and lash out and grab him and throw him off the ladder.

“Tommy… I don’t wanna do it.”

“That’s okay buddy, you don’t have to. I can tell you’re scared. It’s normal for little kids to be chicken.”

“I’m a big kid now— you said so!”

Tommy wears a pitying frown. "Ah but that was before I realized you were a scaredy cat. It’s too bad you said you lied about being brave— Santa definitely won’t be visiting our house this year.

“You’re wrong Tommy. You’re wrong and you’re stupid.”

Tommy laughs. “Wrong! How so?”

“Because” Jimmy puffs up his little chest, “because I’m NOT a chicken.”

He doesn’t look at the dummy overhead. He looks only at his mittened hands, and his soccer cleats as he climbs the cold aluminum ladder.

The third wrung up, his foot slips.

He holds on very tight.

He's still low enough that a fall into the fluffy snow below probably wouldn't even hurt.

But still...

He wants to climb back down.

There’s a pitiful tremor in his voice: “Tommy this is a bad idea. My cleats feel slippery.”

“That’s because they don’t have many contact points. Less friction. But you'll need them once you get to the roof, the spikes will be perfect for the snow. For now, don’t climb on the balls of your feet, climb on the arch.”

Jimmy whimpers. “The balls of my feet? What?”

“The front part, behind where your toes start. Like the part you'd use to push off the ground when you jump. Don’t climb with that part.”

The little boy’s breath hitches. He can feel it, that inner part of him that’s still stupid and afraid and silly and tiny: that part is about to start crying.

But if he starts crying Tommy will hear and then Tommy will laugh.

Jimmy wouldn't be able to bear that.

And if his eyes get wet, it’ll be even harder to see his mittened hands on the ladder.

Jimmy swallows hard.

He squashes it all down.

He is not as little as he was last year.

He is bigger now.

He is a Big Kid.

And he really does want to see Santa.

So he climbs.

Another wrung.

Another urgent hold on the metal.

Cold!

He can feel it even through his mittens!

Another wrung under his trembling feet.

His toes are cold too.

Now the dummy is swaying in the air beside him.

Jimmy refuses to look at it, he knows if he looks directly it will snap to life.

So he watches it, watches it out of the corner of his eye.

A wind stirs, the dummy spins and Jimmy's trembling grows to a violence.

He shakes.

He is cold. But this shaking is not from the cold.

“You’re almost there Jimmy. Keep going.”

But the little Big Kid stands paralyzed.

He cannot even speak, because his throat is a desert.

His eyes roll, against his will, towards the dummy, hanging there, upside down, within reach….

Its Halloween face is a terrible grimace.

Jimmy grimaces too-- his face is pink from the biting cold, but frozen in a deep, wide frown.

The boy’s eyes grow ever wider, he knows the attack will come. It will be sudden and terrible.

His pulse is a hammer in his ears.

Then he notices a scrap of newspaper sticking out of the dummy’s neck, at the collar.

Jimmy forces himself to focus on the newspaper.

He remembers his dad smiling at the work, ruffling Jimmy's hair-- telling him he did a good job.

He tries very hard to slow his breathing.

He sniffs. And he wipes away the tears.

"You're not crying up there are you?" Tommy's voice is full of a cruel sort of mirth.

"No Tommy. The wind is making my eyes water."

"Oh, I didn't know it was windy. I can't feel any wind."

"That's because you're not up here. It's blowing harder up here. See the dummy swaying?"

"I think that's because your weight is shifting the ladder little buddy."

"Shut up Tommy, I'm not little!"

His brother is a jerk. This is normal.

The dummy is stuffed with newspaper. This is normal.

His pulse calms. His breathing slows.

He takes another, absent minded step and the ball of his foot slips sideways.

He clings to the frame of the ladder and looks at the dummy.

It hasn’t woken. But, still, Jimmy feels an energy radiating off of it.

It is livid that he hasn’t fallen.

Sorry to disappoint you, DUMMY, he thinks to himself, but I'm not going to be falling today!

Jimmy sticks out his tongue-- that dummy can stay mad!

He turns back to the climb.

Soon his mittens are pawing through snow and clinging to the icy gutter.

He pauses here.

“Tommy?”

“Yeah bud?”

“Are you still holding the ladder?”

“Of course little man.”

Jimmy looks down and sees his brother's smile.

“Tommy, how do I get up onto the roof?”

“You just climb. I’ll keep the ladder steady.”

“Ummm. Okay. But first I’m gonna knock down these icicles so they aren’t in my way. Look out below!”

“Go for it bud.”

Jimmy strikes the icicles with a mighty chop, he watches them plummet— a volley of icy arrows. They batter the dummy and Jimmy feels the swell of victory in his heart.

Tommy laughs. “That was cool. Don’t try to reach too far off the ladder though. I don’t want you to lose your balance.”

Jimmy pulls up on the lip of the gutter he feels the aluminum bend, something creaks beneath his hands.

And even at his young age, in this foolish task, he's aware enough to wonder if the gutter will hold.

He tests it with his full weight.

A louder creak, metal straining. Another icicle falls, this one beyond his meager reach.

"Be careful." Tommy's voice has lost all trace of mirth, now it bends with worry.

This makes Jimmy feel more afraid than he was before.

But he's so close to glory, he cannot back down now.

He pulls up, scrambles. The ladder tips back, creating a gap between his two tentative anchors: feet on a wrung, hands on the roof.

"TOMMY!"

He feels a push, through the ladder, it crashes back to the gutter, more icicles crack and fall.

"WHAT HAPPENED!?"

Tommy's voice cracks. "You scared the shit out of me that's what happened. You pushed back instead of down while climbing, and the ladder started to tip. Don't worry though, I'm still holding it, I won't let the ladder fall."

"Tommy... You said a swear!"

Tommy laughs. "Yeah. Don't tell when mom and dad get home. Or I'll tell them you climbed onto the roof!"

"What?! Am I going to get in trouble for this? It was your idea!"

"Relax Jimmy. I'm just... shitting you. But seriously. Don't tell mom I said that."

Jimmy beamed and felt his spirit soar: Tommy was trusting him with a secret swear word! He really was a big kid in his big brother's eyes. He whispered the word himself, "shit" and broke into a proud, conspiratorial giggle.

"Careful buddy. Pay attention to your footing. Try again."

His muscles coursing with little kid strength and big kid ambition, Jimmy pulls again, this time he pushes down with his feet, careful not to kick the ladder backwards.

The snow is slippery under his mittens, but his cleats do a better job of gaining purchase.

The chimney is still high above him, but he feels confident.

He remembers his father watching a documentary about Mount Everest.

And Jimmy feels just as brave as those climbers-- just as confident and just as sure of success.

He knows he will reach the summit and this is partially because his father had the good sense to switch to something else before the documentary began discussing all those climbers who died halfway up the mountain....

Jimmy digs in with his cleats, he moves on all fours, ever more boldly.

A hasty step, he slides a bit, and a sheet of ice beneath the snow breaks free, sending the climbing surface beneath him sliding towards the edge of the roof.

His scream is high and wild, and all past certainties are flown.

His little body tenses as he plummets towards the end of the world. His life does not flash before his eyes, he's far too fixated for that.

All he can think is:

This isn't fair!

and

Did anyone ever fall off Mount Everest?

and

They probably did, the documentary didn't talk about that because their bodies were lost so nobody knows for sure what happened.

The ice sheet and the fluffy snow go careening off the roof and by luck-- whether blessed or cursed-- his body grinds to a terrifying halt on the bare asphalt shingles.

Jimmy's teeth chatter, he knows how close he was to dying.

Even at this young age he knows.

But he does not know how close to death he still is, for he is a child and he thinks like a child, so he believes The Crisis is averted and with it all danger has gone.

He breaths.

Relief!

And the peculiar intoxication that comes from an adrenaline rush:

A close call but now he's in the clear.

Invincible.

Tommy's voice-- "Alright Jimmy, that was too close. Come back down!"

"Don't worry man. I got this." Shakey but sure, Jimmy resumes his climb.

***

Tommy is sweating, hot and chilly and nauseous all at once, under his winter jacket.

Seeing the ice fly off the edge of the roof and fully expecting to see Jimmy flailing through the air too? that moment had struck some cold sense into Tommy.

And now that he's heard Jimmy's little voice, boasting, 'I got this' Tommy's panic has reached a crescendo.

He's not even worried about how much trouble he'll be in when his mom and dad find out that he tricked his little brother into climbing an icy roof the first time they trusted him to babysit-- he's only got enough room in his thirteen-year-old brain to worry about one thing:

Jimmy could fall and break his neck. He could die.

Tommy doesn't want to lose his little brother!

He was only messing with Jimmy anyway. The kid wanted to be big, like him, and yet he still believed in Santa?

Tommy had stopped believing way back when he was 7. And Jimmy is almost 9. So... Tommy was just curious to see how far his little brother would let that childish belief carry him.

He never thought Jimmy would actually force himself past the dummy on the ladder-- and now Tommy regrets goading him all the way up onto the roof....

Hadn't Tommy seen how scared his little brother was?

Yes.

Shouldn't he have stopped before things went this far?

Yes.

But the part of Tommy that felt clever and powerful had wanted to see how far Jimmy could be pushed.

Or rather, how high.

It was just a prank, really.

That's all.

"Seriously Jimmy I'm not joking, you gotta come down. Now! It's not safe! Come down, buddy."

A scrambling sound, from the roof, followed by a psychotic little laugh: "Tommy, I said I got this."

"Dude, you've gotta come down, I really mean it. Remember: mom and dad said I was in charge."

"No Tommy! I want to see Santa. If you make me come down I'll tell mom that you said a bad word! You know she'll be angrier than dad."

Tommy climbs the ladder.

He peers over the lip of the gutter and sees Jimmy perched right at the ridgeline of their roof, his back against the chimney.

When Jimmy sees his older brother's face, he flashes a big, proud smile. "I did it Tommy, I made it all the way to the top. The neighborhood looks like a snow globe from up here."

"You did it man. Great job. But now you really gotta come down."

Jimmy shakes his head. "I'm waiting for Santa."

"No dude. Santa won't even come till midnight. That's hours from now. We gotta go inside. It's starting to snow."

"I don't care, I'll wait. I'm not even cold."

Tommy shivers. He knows Jimmy will be cold soon, if he isn't already. "Mom and dad left me in charge and I'm telling you, you have to climb back down."

Jimmy shakes his head.

Tommy feels anger then. He contemplates climbing up, grabbing his little brother and hauling him back down to safety.

But...

He knows that would accomplish only one thing: both of them falling.

So he says the only thing he can figure, to coax his brother back to the ground: "Jimmy, Santa's not even real. I was just pranking you. Because you're a stupid little kid and I wanted to see if you were gullible enough to climb the roof. Spoiler alert, you were! Now come back down before you hurt yourself!"

Jimmy's face is a twisted mess of emotions: disbelief, hurt, betrayal... and all the fuming rage a nine-year-old can muster: "You're lying."

"I'm really not. Santa is make-believe. But this is real-world dangerous. Come on man. The snow's getting heavier. If you don't come down soon, it'll only get harder to climb back down safely."

Now, Jimmy is beginning to shiver. It really is windier up here, and the temperature seems to be plummeting. But he manages through chattering teeth: "Aha! You're just afraid I'll fall."

"Yeah, I am afraid. Please come down. I don't want you to get hurt."

Tommy can read the truth behind Jimmy's eyes: deep down he understands the need. But, he's still not gonna budge.... At this point, it's pure stubbornness-- a stubbornness Tommy has seen before.

But this isn't the time for it.

"Fine!" You wanna stay up here, you little idiot-- I hope you do fall!"

Jimmy is full-on shivering now. "F-f-fuck you, T-tommy."

Tommy's eyes bulge-- he didn't realize his little brother even knew the F word. But he's far more worried about hypothermia-- because Tommy actually watched the rest of that documentary on Everest.

"That's it. I'm calling mom and telling her to come home and get you down."

"G-g-go ahead."

He means it.

And there's a moment of understanding, it passes between the two brothers:

Jimmy wants the grownups. He's just as afraid as Tommy is.

That look wasn't stubbornness after all. He just needs help to get back down!

Like when their cat climbed the maple last summer and their dad had to fetch him.

Tommy springs to action, he shimmies down the ladder, and pushes through the snow.

He places the call-- his parents leave their party immediately. They tell him "Tell Jimmy to stay put! We're on our way!"

Tommy shudders and wipes his face. He realizes he's been crying. He wipes his face again.

He didn't mention it over the phone but he was worried that his little brother would freeze to death, because of him....

Now their parents are coming home. They'll help Jimmy down, he'll be fine!

Tommy will be in loads of trouble-- certainly -- but he won't have to carry the guilt of killing his kid brother.

Tommy allows himself to breath easy.

***

The parents, their panic is subdued: they're not far away.

They don't know: Jimmy's little body has been losing heat for over thirty minutes...

Hypothermia hasn't crossed their minds.

Only one fear has occurred to them: they don't want Jimmy to fall.

The father says: "Damn! just like the cat last summer."

They laugh.

Their laughs are high and anxious.

But they aren't anxious enough to call 911, not yet.

Nobody knows how close Jimmy is to the end, least of all Jimmy.

***

Jimmy feels great now-- actually, cozy!

He takes off his mittens and sends them sliding down the mountain.

He thinks:

Tommy was lying....

and

Santa... will show....

and

The whole... neighborhood... looks... like a... snow... globe....

***

***

***

A/N-- The song I had stuck in my head: