Unresolved Endings

It had never been an easy relationship. Janet was the other women. Jeremy’s father was that man who cheated. Illusions of a happy family were destroyed because of what his dad called love.

His mom and dad shared custody, until his mom died two years later. Then he had to move in with his dad, stepmom and half-sister. Jeremy thought that only male lions kill another male's cub. He grew up feeling that his step mom wanted him gone.

In his youth, for some mysterious reason, Jeremy forgave his father, blaming only Janet. As Jeremy saw it, his dad was fixated on being a hero and was driven by hormones. In Jeremy’s eyes, Jan was a carrion eating crow who fed upon destroyed dreams of happiness.

*

Over the years, Jeremy married and with the birth of his son, wanted to resolve the unhealthy relationship with his stepmom. He went to counselling. There is no undoing the past, but therapy helped him alter his perspective. It was time for him to release the Cinderella narrative he had adopted. He wondered why fairytales do not address such feelings in males. Jeremy slowly unravelled stereotypes of the evil stepmother. He resolved that even carrion eating crows have their place.

He suggested that Jan and he go to counselling. The first appointment was a bitch session for his stepmom. She focussed on events from when Jeremy was a child, claiming Jeremy was responsible for Jan’s poor relationship with his dad. Jeremy had long since lived 100’s of miles away. He had not visited his dad’s home for years, since Jan had asked him not to.

Jeremy realized that he could not control how another person acts or feels and began to understand Jan had a problem and it wasn’t him.

~

After the session, his dad telephoned Jeremy, explaining that he loved Jan and she was special. Jeremy agreed.

Jeremy could not help but flinch when his dad explained that to prove his love to Jan, he agreed to put all of his financial affairs in Jan's name. He was confident that she would treat Jeremy fairly in the event of his death. His dad said that the need and desire to give and receive love was priceless. He ended the conversation asking Jeremy to go back to counselling with Jan.

At first, Jeremy was angry, then disappointed. Finally, Jeremy resolved that he was capable and independent. He accepted that he would not inherit anything. He wanted to have harmony in his family and agreed.

At the next appointment. Jan monopolized the time, in a fit, claiming Jeremy had manufactured another ploy to destroy her relationship with his father.

The counsellor indicated Jan’s anxiety needed to be respected.

Jeremy felt pity for this woman. Her anxiety made it impossible for her to work, cook, clean, garden or do much other than henna her hair. Ironically, she claimed, "I am a natural woman who would never dye my hair."

Jeremy bit his tongue. "Why am I pursuing this? What do I expect by trying to patch this situation?"

When Jan asked for yet another session, the counsellor encouraged it. Jeremy said " I have given up everything I can and doubt that listening to how abusive I was 30 years ago will serve any purpose."

Jan whined. "It is important." Jeremy agreed to a tentative date if he could arrange his schedule for travel. Jan smirked.

*

The phone call came early Saturday morning.

“Jan is dead.”

“What!”

“ I need some time. Call tomorrow.”

~

Jeremy called his half-sister. Both were in shock. Jeremy felt remorse that he had not resolved the issue with his stepmom.

The next day Jeremy called his dad. “How are you? Do you need help with the funeral arrangements.”

“Well, Jan is not dead yet- she is brain dead- she is dead to me -she had an aneurysm.”

~

Jeremy felt the world spin. Dead, not dead, guilt, blame, forgiveness, abuse all became part of chaos. His illusions of the relationship he hoped for dropped like a veil.

~

Death did occur days later. Jeremy was asked by his stepsister not to attend the funeral as per Jan's wishes.

Jeremy was at finally peace. In spite of failed attempts to establish a decent relationship with his stepmom, and dad, Jeremy knew he had done his best.

~~

Over the next year, his dad recounted stories of his perfect relationship with Jan. He forgot about the pain Jan had caused. He was eventually diagnosed with dementia. Before succumbing to his confused world, where his false narratives repeated, he changed the will, so both of his children would inherit equally. This gift removed a huge barrier that would have potentially hindered the half-siblings from working toward a healthy relationship.

Jeremy and his half-sister spoke with little regret or emotion about how Janet lived to indulge in drama. She feasted upon creating unresolved, unsatisfactory endings. She believed it was natural to be assertive, and better to live fighting enemies rather than finding a happy ending.

The half-siblings could not understand why they were considered the enemy. They agreed not to invest in honing Jan's lessons. But Jan had changed how they reacted to challenges. Jeremy was willing to make great efforts and sacrifices to strengthen his ideals of family. His stepsister ignored the challenges.

Their dad's mental decline continued. His half-sister had no interest in being part of it. Jeremy arranged for his dad’s care. He was used to no happy ending, no resolution. Jeremy accepted that perhaps happiness is simply an illusion, and its pursuit is a futile waste of energy. However, he would do what he could, to navigate along the least unhappy road, in a way that offered him peace.