Under The Ice

David didn’t come home. He got almost all the way. The snowfall was heavy and had made him late. It swirled around the car that shouldn’t have been on the roads. It sat there as if David would never leave it. He didn’t get to see the fireplace that had settled into crackling in the background to warm the house, or smell the soup simmering on the stove. Patrick saw him through the window. His red hair was a bright spot in the frozen winter around him. His black suit stood out in the blanket of snow and he was still clutching his briefcase in his shaking hand. He loosened his tie. Despite the warmth of the room, Patrick felt a cold chill run down his neck. He normally didn’t loosen his tie until he walked into the house. He stopped next to the pond.

Patrick called, “Mum! Dad’s over by the pond!” Liana’s response was a confused hum and a slow approach from the kitchen. He didn’t take his eyes away from the scene. He watched David as he stood utterly still there, staring as if he could see something. Liana came in behind Patrick and kissed the back of his head. Her hand rested on his shoulder and he covered it with his own.

It was still only late autumn; the water wasn’t frozen all the way through. It just had a thin layer of ice that shattered easily under David’s foot. Liana gasped; her fingers dug deep into Patrick’s shoulder. She burst out the door. A gust of snow dusted the doorway. Patrick thought he could feel the ice in his own shoes, the cold water seeping into his pants. He couldn’t move from the window, where he watched his father walk deeper into the pond, while his mother stood at the edge weeping and begging him to come back. The water crept up to his knees, his stomach, his chest. David waded deeper. Patrick felt the ice on his throat, in his ears, and then his father disappeared beneath the water and a hot rush of realisation swept him.

It was two months before Liana would let Patrick near the pond. At first, she had become hyperaware of where her son was, but after two months the loss had started to grind on her. She still tried, and the bags under her eyes made it clear she wanted to try harder. He would find her crying at the kitchen table. Not weeping or screaming, just a steady stream of tears falling over her cheeks. He thought she was crying the tears he couldn’t. They bubbled up every now and then, but he never let them pass. Her head was resting in the palm of her hand and her eyes were unfocused on the table clutter. He’d taken a glance and seen bills, receipts, and forms. Some of them were older, before his father had died, and some were a result of it. Patrick tapped her shoulder and she stirred as if she’d been asleep.

“Are you okay mum?”

Liana nodded, wiped her eyes and croaked, “Fine. I’m okay.” He hugged her, but even when she wrapped her arms around him, he felt like they weren’t together. There was still a chill between them. He pulled away, and she kept her hands resting on his arms.

“I’m going outside for a bit.”

Liana tensed, then forcibly relaxed. Her hands softened on his jacket, but her shoulders were still tight. She nodded and her face twitched as she tried to smile. “Sure, sure thing. No problem.” She brushed his red hair back from his eyes. Her fingers were freezing. “Just… be safe.”

“I will.”

Patrick stood by the pond. He wasn’t sure if this counted as abandonment. The paramedics hadn’t been able to come at the time of death. It had been so long since it happened, it seemed to Patrick like everyone just forgot. Not Liana and not himself, but everyone else. Fairly, it was hard to think of everyone else when there was so much snow between them. His father knew when he went in that the Spring thaw wouldn’t bring him back. The water had frozen over completely by now. It was probably alright to skate on, if Patrick had the balls to try. He stood at the edge, as his father had, and stared deeply into the ice. He wanted to see whatever it was that had convinced his father, in that moment, to leave them. He wanted to know if it was worth it.

He wasn’t sure what he saw. He thought it was his reflection on the ice, but then it looked like… Bright red hair, and black clothes. It could’ve been either of them really. The way David seemed to be sleeping beneath the ice, like he was totally at peace. It really looked to Patrick as if his father felt that it was worth it. Something hot raced through Patrick’s veins. Something like fire. His stomach bubbled and his eyes were hot with tears that he blinked back into himself. The heat surged through him and he started to stomp on the face that had the audacity to sleep while his mother wept. His mother was at the table right now, dying with the agony, and his father slept! It wasn’t bad enough he’d left, now he was taking Patrick’s mother with him!

Patrick felt something grab him and he fell down into the snow. No, that wasn’t right, there was something between him and the ground. Someone. Liana gripped him, her nails digging into his scalp and drawing blood. Uneven breaths shook the chest that his head rested on. Her tears fell freely onto him, like spots of rain melting snow. He looked to the pond and saw the crack in the ice. If he’d kept stomping on it, he would have fallen through. Liana clutched him. She had a terrible fear in her eyes and Patrick thought it was probably the last thing his father had seen. Their breath fell into a single rhythm as they both settled into the embrace.

“I’m sorry mum.” His voice was whispery and hoarse. He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close. Hot tears pricked his eyes, and for once he let them fall between them. “I’m so sorry mum.”