Twisted Tale - Jack and The Beanstalk

Jack had again climbed the beanstalk and talked the Giant’s wife into feeding him. While eating the bread and milk she gave him, he heard the Giant coming and hid. The Giant yelled out “Fee-fi-fo-fum, I smell the blood of an Englishman. Be he alive, or be he dead, I’ll grind his bones to make my bread!”

When the Giant fell asleep, Jack stole some of the Giant’s gold coins and slid down the beanstalk to his yard. He went into town to find the man who gave him the magic beans for their one cow.

“I am here to buy back my mother’s cow,” Jack told the man.

“Why would I sell you the cow? She is mine now.”

“Your beans only grew a tall beanstalk. That won’t feed us, and I’m always hungry. I want the cow back. I will give you one gold coin for the cow.”

The man examined the coin closely, biting it to see if it was real gold.

“All right, your cow is there. Take her, and don’t come back.”

Jack went home to show his mother the cow, but being a crabby old bitch, she yelled at him again.

“This is not our cow. Our cow was black and white, not tan and white! You are so stupid, Jack! What did you give the man?”

“I gave him a gold coin, Mother.”

“Get me the black and white cow, Jack, or don’t come home.”

Jack went back and told the man he wanted to trade one cow for the other and would give him another gold coin. The man agreed, and Jack made the trade.

Jack was uninterested in hearing his mother’s tirades, so he put the cow in the pasture and climbed the beanstalk. He had heard the Giant telling the hen to “lay” so he took her and stood at the top of the beanstalk.

He waited until he saw his mother below and said, “Lay! Hen, Lay!”

The hen strained while Jack aimed her arsehole above his mother. The hen clucked and clucked; he watched her strain, and finally, out popped an enormous golden egg, landing dead center onto his mother’s head, killing her instantly.

+++ Author's Notes:

This story (366 words) was written for L.C. Schäfer's Fucked Up Fairytales Challenge. Jack lived happily ever after with all the gold and food he wanted. The moral: keep looking up, you never know what fortune will befall you.