Trying to Move On

Ambrose cheated on me. My boyfriend of three years was calling another girl his beautiful rose while pretending to love me. My heart turns into a fire every time I remember how I found out; my eyes start to rain because I just think about how I did so much for him and he still decided to betray me. When we first dated we told each other the things that do not sit well with us. He told me he wasn’t into girls who drink alcohol even after I explained to him that just because I drink it doesn’t mean I’m throwing away my life. My drinking won’t lead me to ignore my goals and responsibilities, but still, he didn’t care. All he kept telling me is he didn’t like it. And I considered his feelings and stopped. For three years straight I didn’t accept anyone offering me a drink. I missed drinking wine, but for him, I chose not to drink it. It has been four months since I ended my relationship with him, and I still haven’t bothered with getting drunk or having one small drink. It’s like I’m still considering how he feels even though he is no longer in my life. Imagine being pure and then you meet this guy and you tell him your favorite color, that you only mess with paperback books, that you love the smell of roses, you also share with him secrets you never told anyone, not even your best friend, and you feel like being with him is like jumping on clouds. But that feeling of jumping on the clouds and getting goosebumps when you’re with that person disappears after you come to the realization that the feeling from him was not mutual and instead of being direct with you he chooses to love another girl and makes her feel beyond special. I gave myself completely, believing I would never go through this. He was the first guy I ever gave myself to because he gave me the reassurance of never looking for someone else, but something I learned is even when a guy tells you not to worry so many times, even when he says to you that it is you who is his princess, he will still go ahead and be making another girl moan his name. Did making love with me feel empty? Did he feel like he was in the deep water while being with me? Why did he cheat when he could’ve just told me he felt nothing for me anymore? I hate being stuck on it, I hate being stuck on something that makes me sit in the bathtub and cry for so long while the hot water is pouring down on me. I’m thinking of a video on Tik Tok I’ve seen where a girl talks about how a boy can view you as a school, which means that boys are aware of how they should treat their girl, they understand them, but they choose to treat the next girl in their lives better. Why in the world couldn’t he just focus on me? Why is love only meaningful in the beginning? There is a line in the movie The Incredibles, that says “I never look back darling, it distracts from the now,” but I do want to look back, I want to look back and be able to move on. I want to accept what happened and not feel like a firefly without any light because despite Ambrose betraying me, I need to remind myself that I can still flourish and have a crown on my head.