Trespassers Not Welcome!

So, you are here. What the hell were you thinking?

Didn’t you know that you crossed the exclusion zone when you did?

No, you say. Are you sure? I don’t believe you. You must have seen the huge warning signs and the barbed-wire fence?

Oh, the signs were worn and the fence falling down, you say? And no one there to stop you from walking over the fence?

So, is this just some macabre curiosity that brought you here?

Just simple curiosity, you object? What were you curious about?

Oh, I see. You heard of giant mutant mushrooms, five-legged cows, and two-headed cats and dogs? Of course, it makes sense to believe all the anomaly rumors. It’s what everyone says would happen, why would you doubt that?

So, have you seen any? No? Of course you didn’t, because they don’t exist!

But you know what still exists here? Levels of radiation high enough to damage and kill you. When you leave here, if you find your way back, you may first lose your hair, brushing it out in large clumps. Your nails will come off and your eyebrows and lashes will fall out. Then, you will start having headaches and migraines. Then, the doctors might diagnose you with leukemia or another type of blood cancer. And then they will tell you that your lungs and liver are turning into mush. Your kidneys will harden into stones. Your bones will lose calcium at speeds ten times higher than in old people, all in the first year or so.

Is that what you really wanted? Was your curiosity worth it?

Oh, you thought twenty years after the event it would be safe? Did you skip all your physics and chemistry classes in school? Don’t you know that radiation stays in the ground for centuries? That once it gets into your body, it can take years to clear out? You will not feel it seeping into your body, but it does as we speak.

I’m not trying to scare you. I’m just telling you as it is. Nothing but the truth.

Oh, of course, you don’t believe me. Because you are young and stupid. And when you are this young and stupid, you think that you will live forever. You have this sense of invulnerability, confidence that your body can handle anything and can bounce back from everything. But not in this case!

How do I know, you ask? Ha! You see my hunchback and my wrinkles, my thin and balding hair, my rare crooked teeth? How old do you think I am? Don’t count all the moles and warts on my face, tell me how old you think I look to your young eyes? Early 90s, you are saying?

See, I’m 43. Yes, it’s incredible, isn’t it? I was born in this town, because my parents worked here. My father was a firefighter and my mother – a nurse. They both were on duty when the accident happened. My father had to fight the fire and my mother tended to the wounded firefighters and rescuers.

How long do you think it took for the radiation to kill them? A couple of years, you guess? – It was less than two months. Two incredibly long months for me, watching my beloved parents die in real time and the government giving them no assistance or medical care.

Why, you wonder? Because at that time, no one told us how dangerous it was. The government didn’t care. They just wanted to hide it and cover it up so that the rest of the world couldn’t find out how really horrible it was.

What’s that you are asking now? See, I’ve also become quite hard of hearing. Speak up! Ah, why didn’t I leave after, when everyone else did, you ask? I decided to stay here because I had nowhere else to go. And I had no one left after mom and dad died.

How am I surviving here, you wonder? Well, since you are here, let me show you around. This whole town is my world. I can sleep in any apartment. Many of them are still well equipped and have decent beds. But let me take you to my bathroom first.

Oh, you are disappointed that it’s just an old outhouse with a deep hole? And a showerhead attached to a tank warmed by the sun? See, it also has a solar battery I built myself. What did you expect, full modern amenities in an abandoned dead town?

Let me take you to my farm. See these chickens? Kinda look like short-legged ostriches, you say? Well, they do lay ostrich-size eggs. I can make an omelet that would be two full meals. No, that’s not a giant swan swimming in the pond! It’s actually a duck. She also gives me large, great-tasting eggs!

I have a cow in the barn, and several goats I milk and make my own cheese. See, the cow is normal. She has four legs. Why does she have two udders, you ask? Because I love milk and need a lot of it, of course! Her newborn calf actually has three udders, and I’m very happy about it.

No, the goats are not rams, you silly goose, they are female goats with horns, can’t you see their udders dragging on the ground? That’s where the milk comes from! I also have sheep that give me fleece and yarn, but you can’t see them now because they are grazing on the outer pastures.

Who is watching them, you want to know? Oh, you haven’t seen my big, beautiful shepherd dogs! I have five of them and their eight heads can see the danger in every direction. It’s getting dark. They could be bringing the herd back any minute now. You can hear them barking, you say?

Oh, I see you don’t wanna stay here anymore? Could I show you the way back? Is that what you’re asking? No, dearies, you’ve gotten yourselves into this predicament, you should find a way back on your own.

Get the f*ck out of here!