Tonight, I'm as feminist as my nan is catholic

My fascination with Larry has now become an unhealthy obsession.

He doesn’t have TikTok, so I’ve set up a new Facebook to follow his activities. They mainly consist of complaints to unresponsive brands. His latest crusade was to pester Sky for the £20 they overcharged him last month. They never did.

I’m not quite sure what it is I like about him. I work in a busy, male-dominated work environment, and I’m in contact with dozens of charismatic men every day. Why him? Do I really believe he is less arrogant than the rest of them? Is there a vulnerability to him, or is that my imagination? Does he remember everyone’s favorite coffee, or is it just me?

I walk into our annual sales conference, where you can practically smell the testosterone in the room. I smile uncomfortably at the cheering and heckling that surrounds me throughout the day.

The only other women I know, Megan and Jordan, don’t seem to mind or are, at least, good enough at pretending.

Everyone who presents keeps apologizing to us whenever they swear. “It’s a f****ng bloodbath’’, a sales manager describes the merger between our two biggest customers before adding “sorry ladies.”

It continues in the pub afterwards. “Sorry, Jen,” Larry goes again. But I’m three drinks in and at the perfect sweet spot of confidence and competence, so I say quickly, “F**k off, it’s not the 1920s”.

Everyone laughs, but Larry simply smiles, never taking his eyes off me. Every joke I make which he doesn’t hear is worthless.

When I reach my fourth or fifth drink, my head starts to spin a little. I decide to go to the bathroom. That's when I hear Megan and Jordan’s voices outside. “I think Larry likes you,” Jordan tells Megan, who isn’t brushing her off. “Do you think so?” she laughs, “well, maybe.”

I feel an instant spike of jealousy. I don’t even feel guilty for my sudden dislike for them both. Tonight, I’m about as feminist as my Nan is Catholic; I don’t need to practice what I preach to declare myself a devout follower.

Once they leave, I shove myself through the crowded dancefloor, past the bar, and out onto the outside area.

I spot Larry with two of his teammates by the heater. I’m just about to go over when I hear, “Hello, hello.” I turn around; it’s Henry, my boss.

"Are you having a good night?” he asks. “It’s such a good night, isn’t it?” I say, “we work with the best people.” “Yes, yes, they’re the best,” he agrees. I hope that’s the end of the conversation.

It’s not. “I’ve been meaning to ask you,” he starts.

“Now, I hope you don’t pick this up the wrong way, so, did you see the present Jordan got me for Christmas?” he says.

“No?” I ask, still trying to spy on Larry from my peripheral vision.

“Well, it was soap,” he says. I wait for him to continue, but he doesn’t. “Oh, very nice,” I eventually say.

“Soap,” he repeats, maintaining deep eye contact now, “do you think that’s a bit...inappropriate?”

“Why?” I ask, unsure if I want the answer. “Well, it’s soap,” he explains “you use it when you’re, you know, in the bath…naked”.

I pause for a minute. “But you can also use it to wash your hands”, I say, “it’s a nice gesture, I wouldn’t give it another thought.”

Not entirely satisfied, he shrugs his shoulders and says, “okay well look, like I said, I just wanted to check there was nothing more to it, I hope you don’t think I’m weird.” I think he’s weird.

“Honestly, not another second’s thought,” I say and walk away.

But it’s too late; Larry is nowhere to be seen. I look around and spot Jordan, but there’s no sign of Megan. I spin around and rush inside. I check the bar. I scour the dancefloor. I check outside again. They’re not here. How did it happen so fast? My heart sinks.

I’m about to give up and go home, but as soon as I walk out the front door, I hear his voice. “Jen,” Larry shouts as I start to walk our the door, “Jen, Jen…over here.” “What are you doing out here?” I ask as I approach him. “No smoking allowed in smoking areas anymore, would you believe?”

So it might not be over after all. “Good night?” I ask.

“Excellent,” Larry answers.