Toast/speech - AKA What happened to the best man?

Quick note: a friend suggested having a go at Lana’s toast challenge, for some reason I scribbled it down one night over a week ago what I envisioned being super awkward. Then read Lana’s challenge LATER and realised mine was way too long and didn’t fit some of the criteria, so eventually just decided to post for fun. You can check out her terrific challenge below if you haven’t already.

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A Groomsmen (not the best man) steps up, stumbles to the podium and grabs the microphone.

Ahem! Alec. I mean hello everyone, I’m Alec. Jim, uh..the best man can’t be here right now as he’s.. dead. No, no, not really, but we did just have a massive brawl outside and he’s been rushed to the nearest hospital. If it’s any consolation he was asking for it!

Shocked faces abound. One of the groomsmen interjects, “Well is he alright?”

He’ll be fine once the nurses attend to him. Anyway, I’m more than happy to step up as best man.. it’s really good to see all of you here today. Where is the Groom Logan!? There he is. Logan and I go way back. Where has the time gone. What can you say about Logan? Hmm.. Remember that time the two of us went for a bike ride as teenagers and you shat your pants - it made it really hard to ride home people. I did the best I could, but there is only so much you can do when your friend has got crap all the way down his trousers.

Abigail (the bride) looks horrified. “What’s he doing?” She mutters.

The Groom interjects. “Everyone shits their pants Alec!”

Well, I don’t know about that!… Abigail, have you ever shat your pants?

“No!” She screams. “Get down!”.

See Logan - NOT everyone!!

Boos and disgruntled moans emit from the guests.

Anyway, it’s been great chatting with you all today & thank you for coming to the wedding. Wishing both of these fine folk many happy years ahead and cheers to the horny couple, I mean happy couple. May you have, sunny days, rampant foreplay and lots and lots and lots of little Logans and Abigails.

The Groom declares, “She can’t have kids you fucking arsehole,” as he jumps over the bridal party table rushing towards Alec at the podium.

Thanks again for coming everyone, but can someone please call the ambulance back, thanks! Dropping the microphone.

Alec goes down.

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Thanks for reading.