TOAST: How We Killed The World's Only Talking Dog

THE FOLLOWING IS AN EXERPT FROM AN INTERVIEW RECORDING WITH THE ANONYMOUS WITNESS.

WITNESS: At the time, I thought the protesters were the worst part. It was a pain to come into work every day, some of us actually decided to set up shop inside, just never leave the building.

INTERVIEWER: Did you?

WITNESS: No, I couldn’t do it. Most of us didn’t, being in that place was just too weird.

INTERVIEWER: What do you mean, weird?

WITNESS: Dogs aren’t supposed to talk. You have to understand how profoundly uncomfortable it was to be around a talking dog. The thing would bark still, it was a dog, but also…

WITNESS: It knew my name, you know? Every time I came by it would go, hi [REDACTED], and I would say, hi dog, and it was like talking to a person. So much like talking to a person.

INTERVIEWER: What about that disturbed you?

WITNESS: Because it was a dog! It wasn’t a person, it didn’t understand things like a person-- The only reason we were allowed to do the things we did was because it wasn’t a person. They bent laws so we could study the thing-- you know it had a name before? That little girl named it, it was always annoyed when we wouldn’t use it’s name, but we weren’t allowed, you know?

INTERVIEWER: What was it’s name?

WITNESS: [the witness laughs] Toast.

INTERVIEWER: Toast?

WITNESS: I don’t know, man, kids are weird.

We sat in silence for a moment then, and the witness turned to look outside. A waitress came by to top up our coffee before we started again.

INTERVIEWER: Did you ever find out why it could talk?

WITNESS: Sort of, I guess… Increased lung capacity, oddly shaped larynx, oral cavity-- I mean, that stuff gives you part of the how but, language in humans is unique, at least we thought it was. Everyone knows that we as a species barely have a grasp on neurology and the human brain and everything, but, we know enough to understand that there are entire sections of the human brain dedicated to speech, and different sections for singing, and different sections for acquisition and so on and so forth-- I can’t even begin to explain to you how strange it is to see a talking dog. And it’s not like we have the depth of research dedicated to dog brains that we do for human ones. We spent a lot of time just, making guesses, I guess.

INTERVIEWER: So, you don’t know?

WITNESS: I mean I don’t. You’ll have to wait for the paper to come out like the rest of us, I wasn’t on the neurology team. [the witness laughs] I mean, come on man, I’m just a veterinarian. Dog brains? Genetic mutations? I was out of my depth the moment I walked into that place.

INTERVIEWER: Why did you stay, then?

WITNESS: It’s horrible, but… I wanted to know, you know? I wanted to be part of it. And by the time I realized that I didn’t, it was too late.

INTERVIEWER: We all heard the reports, but would you be able to tell us any more about what happened to Toast?

WITNESS: Fuck. Uhm, yeah, it-- Toast, sorry-- well there’s only so much you can learn from an MRI, you know? At some point, we learned all we could from it alive. And we still didn’t get it yet, you know? So yeah, uhm… one of us suggested… that we take a closer look.

INTERVIEWER: And this was the...

WITNESS: Neuropathology autopsy. They took his brain out. Ah-- fuck.

The witness had spilled their coffee on their hand. We took a moment to find napkins and clean up.

WITNESS: Sometimes I think I should have tried harder. To stop them, you know?

INTERVIEWER: How so?

WITNESS: I don’t know… I don’t know.