To Love My Best Friend

In short, I fell in love with my best friend. And I think I finally came to terms with it. But I'm not sure if I'm ready to completely accept. I don't want to be the one to ruin our friendship with her. But I'll give you snippet of what it is like having a best friend like her.

I'll try to keep the story short.

After a full night of laughter, rock music, 3 Naruto movies, and 3 bottles of the good stuff; I’d say last night was successful. I'm 100% sure my best friend is not thinking of her now ex-girlfriend at the moment. Another one of our "Heartbreak Rituals" for the books!

See heartbreaks are normal for me and Luna. We tend to wear our hearts on our sleeves. For this reason alone, we don’t have many friends, or good relationships with our families. It only takes one altercation for us to not want to be around you anymore. Literally. So, she’s all I’ve pretty much had for the last couple of years.

As per usual, I’m up at the crack of dawn. I’m an early bird, but not because I want to be. I am indeed an insomniac. I think the only time I do get any decent sleep, however, is when Luna is over, I’m drunk, or had a meltdown that completely drained me. Tragic, isn't it? However, this time I didn't get much sleep. Although, I got more than I usually would with a solid four and a half hours of sleep.

I rolled Luna off of me, I'm convinced she thinks I'm her human pillow, and took a much-needed shower. Then, I did the one thing I loved the most; write.

I forgot to mention earlier I was a writer. Nothing too serious, I just write small pieces of poetry and short stories for this art company that I’ve adored since I was only 5. They have their own magazine showcasing their prodigies of the company, and other small things as well. Like upcoming events, and what or who to look out for next. As you may guess they specialize in the arts. Music, Dance, Theatre, and Visual Arts that is. Each category breaks down into so many different parts. You wouldn't be able to keep up if you didn't have the slightest interest in them. However, I have a deep love for ALL parts. I’m just drawn to writing more, and Luna is a dancer for that company.

Writing is also my way of venting. I’m not good with my words. It doesn’t come to me naturally like it does for Luna. That woman has a motor for a mouth, and she could sweet talk anyone she wanted. It’s truly amazing. However, for me, I have a journal full of poems. I’m better at writing what I want to say than actually saying it. Whenever I feel like there is something that I can't talk to Lu about, don’t want to bother her about, or anything that is about her, like right now; I write. So, I took out my pen and journal and added another entry.

May 5th, 2020

What Do You Do?

What do you do when you’re in love with someone... and you aren’t sure if they love you back?

Even if it’s not too it’s full extent...

What do you do when you want to text them first, but you start second guessing yourself, and overthink till your head hurts?

What do you do when you catch yourself wanting to hear their voice, but something’s telling you “You can’t call them, you don’t have that choice”?

What do you do when you feel like you want them to hold you, but their miles away and something’s telling you that maybe they don’t even feel the same way…?

Then all of your feelings and thoughts start to mix and collide, and the only thing you can think about is “what if everything we shared together was all a lie” and the tears start flowing, and you close your eyes and then something starts glowing and you realize that once again, you’ve done it once again... you pushed yourself into an attack and all you want to do is just go back... in time... where everything was once fine and all you had to do was wake up to their smile..

What do you do when you feel like you lost a part of you, that you never knew, could change you into something better, something new, but that part of you has no clue how much they really mean to you…?

As I finished up another entry, the inspiration behind my poem itself came looking over my shoulder. “Writing in that journal again I see,” she said, trying her hardest to see what I was writing. This journal is the only piece of privacy I have left. This woman knows everything about me inside and out. For the most part at least. “I just finished actually,” I said closing the journal quickly, “Why are you up so early? It’s only 6:42am,” I said looking at my phone. If there is one person, I know who loves their sleep more than life itself: it's her. I don’t think she’d wake up if World War III were to start outside if I’m being honest.

“I didn’t feel you next to me anymore, so I woke up. I thought something was wrong.”

I wanted to tease her about what she just said because of how cliche that sounded. I could’ve also told her that she could go back to bed for a little while because I’m fine. But I decided against all of it and just cleaned up my little writing corner.

“What were you writing about this time anyway? Can I read it?” I froze for a split second and then looked at her, smiled and said, “Nothing important, just another heartbreak entry for the books,” I said not meeting her eyes, and got up to make my way to the kitchen. She looked at me quizzically for a second before just shrugging me off. I’m sure she could read me by now too, but she chooses when to acknowledge me. I’m thankful that this time isn’t one of those times.

If you haven’t put two and two together by now, yes, I do indeed have a crush on my best friend. For almost two years now to be exact. It’s not something deep, or anything like that. It developed a couple of nights after my girlfriend, and I broke up.

Luna and I were at our favorite spot, our secret waterfall. We know it’s a secret spot, or at least a secluded one, because we would do little things like place a little flag in a certain spot and then come back a week later to see if anyone or anything moved it. No one ever did. We also haven't told anyone else about it either, so there’s also that.

Again, it was a couple of nights after my ex-girlfriend, and I broke up. It was still pretty rough on me. If anyone knew us, they knew that she was my life. She told me she didn’t love me anymore and hadn't for a while. It sucked. A lot. Because while I was growing more in love with her every single day, she was growing out of love with me. Imagine that. The morning after she broke it off with me, she already popped out with a new lover. However, her new lover wasn’t exactly new. It was actually her then best friend of like 11 years. They have known each other since they were kids.

I wasn’t shocked because I could see how that happened, but I was devastated nevertheless because a year, three weeks, and four days went down the drain in a blink of an eye. She made me happy, but I guess I wasn't doing my part for her, huh? Anyway, of course I told Luna about it, and she decided that a trip to our favorite spot at 9:30pm would be a great idea. So, we took a quiet 45-minute drive to the west of where we stayed to our favorite spot, the waterfall. I can remember that night like it was yesterday...

“KJ you know I love you right?”

“Of course, I do! You’ve been my best friend, and comfort ever since high school… Why would you ask me that?” I was intrigued, yet terrified of what words were to come next.

"I just don’t want you to ever think that you need to rush to find someone to love you, or that you need someone at all, because you have me for that,” she said, as she grabbed my hand, and it went completely silent once again. To say I was shocked would’ve been an understatement. We continued to watch the waterfall in all its glory. As the night grew colder, and the stars started to scatter across the sky, we could longer bear the cold winds anymore, so we made a quiet trip back home...

It wasn’t something big and dramatic like in a Wattpad story where she’s already looking at me and leans in for a kiss or something. But it was a moment I’d cherish forever. Ever since that night my love for her started to bloom under a different sun, but the pain of knowing she would never love me like that also grew alongside it. Which honestly, I’m kind of grateful for. It’s helping me from experiencing another heartbreak and keeping my best friend by my side. I don’t want this newfound love to be the reason I lose my best friend. Besides she was dating THE queen bee at the time anyway. And I was, and still am, positive that confessing my newly found, unrequited love for her would push her away too.

“How about an early breakfast, yeah?” I asked her as I was walking out of the door. I don’t think now would be a good time to continue reminiscing and get lost in my head. I mean my best friend is going through such a tragic breakup right now. Note the sarcasm.

“Yeah, can you make those amazing homemade French toast sticks. Oh, and some bacon, and cheese eggs, and some coffee I definitely need it, and…,” I just laughed and zoned her out, as she continued to ramble on about the buffet of things she wanted.

“KJ after we eat can we get in the pool for a little while,” Luna asked with a mouth full of food. “If I didn’t have common sense and I couldn't have put two and two together, I’d make you swallow and ask again” I rolled my eyes, “but you can I’ll just relax by the pool”. And with that we finished breakfast and chilled by the pool.

~~~~~~

See everything is way to normal and comforting right now. I couldn't ask for a better partner in crime. Although, some days I still wonder what if I were to just risk it all and challenge the dark, the light, and everything in between to have her as my own?

What if...