To Find a Moments Joy

As the pain began to slip away, like the sun setting over the Aegean for one last time, only one thought was on his mind. "is this it? Have I died?".

A strange relief in his mind was soon replaced with the realisation that all his hard work was in vein, all his new found dreams would never come to fruition. The last few months had been a tirade of misery, hatred and heartache. One person could not possibly endure what he had, how could they?

On an icy January morning, Jamie had walked into his rather lavish, warm, and homely English country cottage. He had taken a moment to gather his thoughts in the kitchen whilst looking out over the garden. On the side was a bottle of bourbon with a note from his wife. "Hope the trip went well. Enjoy the drink, you deserve it. PS Don't wake me up, its Saturday :)."

It was nothing out of the ordinary, Jamie was used to working away during the week. Michelle would be awake in a coupe of hours and they had planned on walking to a nearby lake. He took a black velvet case out of his pocket and paced the kitchen, reciting his well rehearsed proposal. "Will you... Would you... Oh, I hope she says yes."

It was only someone banging on the front door that woke Jamie, who had dosed off in front of the open fire. As he stumbled towards the door, wondering what was so important, he shouted out, "who is it? What's up?".

He opened the door to find Michelle's mother. "Where is she?, she's not answering my calls?". Beryl was known to panic over the smallest of things. Once she had called the police because she had seen 'a rather peculiar blackbird' in her garden.

"Beryl, she's asleep, what's the problem? Let her rest she is pregnant after all." Jamie uncharacteristically snapped as he headed back to the kitchen for another bourbon.

"It's four o'clock Jamie. She hasn't got back to me all day." Beryl hurried up the stairs, tripping as she reached the top step. Jamie gave of a small chuckle and a smirk. It could have been seconds or hours later that the scream came from Beryl, it doesn't really matter, Michelle had died.

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Michelle's funeral was in the local church, a beautiful 17th century building on the banks of a river. As people began to leave, Jamie found himself alone in a quiet corner of the graveyard. He watched as one by one Michelle's friends and family comforted each and the cars pulled away. He was due at the wake, but already knew he wouldn't be going.

He began walking along the river until the path ran out. He considered turning back but something dragged his well healed shoes onwards. It was still cold, but he took his jacket off and stopped under an Oak tree. He was all alone with his thoughts, not something he was used to. While he knew that one day he would have to come to terms with what had happened he didn't plan on doing so soon.

Across the field was a large, impressive Bull. He looked over and wondered what it would be like to live an existence where love didn't exist, where as long as your field was still there and a man came and fed you every now and then, you were fine. You were never happy, but never sad.

He soon realised that he had mud up to his knees, he had lost a shoe and he was approaching the rather displeased Bull. He was not an animal lover, that to say he did like looking at them from afar but was far from comfortable being up close and personal. Here he was though, talking to this wild beast, like they had been lifelong friends.

A loud grunt bought Jamie to his senses, he headed out of the field with the Bull keeping a steady pace behind him making sure he was being left in peace. When he arrived home, no one was there. He followed his practiced routine of pouring a bourbon and lighting the fire and slipped into an awkward sleep.

When he woke up the next day he checked his phone and had 42 missed called, 19 messages and didn't dare to look at his emails. He put his phone down, finished the drink that was sitting in front of him and stood up. He put his coat on and began the walk back to the bulls field. He had to walk through the village to get there, he could hear people greeting him, but the world around him had become a glaze. He knew he had some kind of emotions going on, but he felt nothing.

What followed was several weeks of walking to the bulls field and home, drinking Bourbon and falling asleep on the sofa. It was a sad truth that no one really noticed, everyone he had known were Michelle's friends, she was such a loved soul. He was always away on business, when he was home he didn't pay much attention to Michelle's social life. As long as she was happy, he was happy.

Now he was alone, his best friend was Bourbon. Well, that and now for some reason a Bull. The Bull by now had a name, Brian. Brian had actually become quite accustomed to Jamie's daily visits. Over the weeks, there relationship had evolved, as February delivered its usual storms Jamie's moods had also become dark. He had thrown stones at Brian, poked him in the side and even ran at him in an attempt to get the Bull to trample and end this seemingly never ending despair. Brian had simply stood, unmoved and somehow knowingly allowed himself to become some kind of relief.

It wasn't until April that Jamie's boss phoned him to see how he was and unsurprisingly when he thought he would be back at work. He had decided by this point that he wasn't, he had enough money to just exist until the drink killed him off. He liked not having anyone rely on him, not having deadlines, not having to wash. He had become completely self reliant, food was delivered, he had found a new route to his field that avoided the village and the best thing of all he had allowed the garden to reclaim what once had been the path to his front door. Totally cut off, and now with another friend, depression.

The hottest day of the year so far had begun like any other, the usual drink and flick through the paper. As he reached the travel section which he usually threw on the fire, there was a picture that reignited a strange feeling of unease. It was a simple yet elegant picture of a Greek village. As he began to read to the article he realised that it was here that he had met Michelle. The strange feeling was emotion, something he hadn't dealt with for several months.

As he walked towards to his field that day, he began to wonder whether he could find happiness again. He took a second to look at a bird who seemed to following his route. Had Michelle reached out from beyond the grave to save him? His mind raced as fast as his feet where carrying him towards Brian. This time, the blank expression from the Bull wasn't enough, Jamie wanted more. He wanted to feel again, he wanted to live again.

Suddenly feeling emotion again after all this time had an effect and soon Jamie was under the Oak Tree asleep. He dreamed about Michele and the future they would have had. He woke up with a new found optimism, a new view on the beauty that lay around. A sudden down poor along side its partner of thunder and lightning didn't seem so bad. Jamie stood under the tree letting the drips of water hit his head and watching the sky as it filled with light. He was sure that Michelle was there again, sending her signs.

An intense light filled Jamie's mind, he felt no pain but he felt no life. He was lay on the floor with a smile on his face when he was found. He had the cuts you would expect from a lightning strike but there something about him that gave an aura of peace. It might be strange to say he was lucky, but for a brief moment he had seen happiness and joy again. He had remembered Michelle and the love they shared. He had escaped the pain that gripped his entire life. He died happy, what more could he possibly have asked for from life.