Tiger shark goes to trial

“Tiger shark, according to chapter 9 of the criminal procedural code, you and your shiver of fellow sharks stand accused of disturbing the peace. What say you?”

“Not guilty, Your Honor.”

A cacophony of thumping tail fins on the shipwreck court room belied the audience’s reaction to this preposterous plea.

The judge, a large and wise octopus, pounded eight gavels and demanded order.

The human prosecutor, clad in a wetsuit, spoke loudly through his mask. “Your Honor, this tiger shark and those he leads are responsible for a large share of fatal shark-bite incidents. It’s affecting our tourism season. We are requesting compensation from the shark shiver, and official condemnation of their brutal behavior.”

“I object, Your Honor.”

Dave, the dolphin lawyer, straightened his bow tie and said with confidence, “I object, Your Honor.”

The honorable judge seemed irritated. “Counselors, swim to the bench!” He leaned forward and looked at them sternly. “I will not allow any of these shenanigans in my court. Understood?”

Of course, no one expected a tiger shark to hire a dolphin lawyer. Dolphins avoid sharks and when one approaches, the whole dolphin pod attacks it. That was smart of the tiger shark – everyone loves dolphins. It was unusual for a dolphin lawyer to betray his kind by representing someone who was considered an enemy. Only Neptune knew what kind of secret deal these two hatched.

The prosecutor called his first witness and a hesitant diver approached the stand.

“Your Honor,” Dave interrupted, “the prosecutor can parade a one-legged diver as their witness all they want. That doesn’t change the fact that people trespass. If they can’t share the environment, they shouldn’t be allowed in it.”

The honorable judge raised his voice. “Dave, you should know better; the witness must be sworn in first. I am giving you a warning.”

The bailiff, a beautiful dogfish, asked the witness, “Do you swear on the laws of Neptune to say the truth, and nothing but the truth?”

“I do,” the witness replied.

The witness gave a detailed account of how a tiger shark viciously attacked him. Dave chose not to cross-examine him. He impatiently waited for the diver to leave the stand.

“Your Honor, the defendant has prepared a statement,” Dave announced.

“Honorable judge and esteemed jurors, this ‘dangerous killer’ reputation has gone on long enough! I intend to explain who is more dangerous to whom."

Larry, the tiger shark representing his shiver, took a deep breath and began. “Honorable judge and esteemed jurors, this ‘dangerous killer’ reputation has gone on long enough! I intend to explain who is more dangerous to whom.

“Yes, we are apex predators, but we are a vital part of the oceanic ecosystem. We control the populations of small fish. I know that we are allegedly responsible for a large share of fatal shark-bite incidents, however...” Larry stopped mid-sentence and raised his voice, “By the way, I do not see you accusing the Great White! Double standards, much?”

“I object!” the Prosecutor shouted. “Relevance, Your Honor?”

“Sustained!”

Larry continued. “Humans call us ‘Garbage Gut’. Us, a tiger shark shiver – one of the fine species of the noble Requiem shark family – we should be the ones suing them!”

He turned to the diver. “How many of you come here to the Bahamas and pollute? You come on your little vacations, have your fun in our water, and pollute our home. At night, I go for a quick swim closer to the surface and I encounter what you have left behind. I have accidentally eaten empty beer bottles! Last week, I ate a rusty old license plate with two screws still in the corners. Why would anyone throw a license plate into the ocean? Was it left over from a hit and run accident? It had a bitter taste and gave me indigestion. It’s bad enough I get tummy problems from eating sea turtle shells, now we have to worry about what junk humans toss into our feeding grounds!”

Larry paused for effect. Then he turned and faced the audience. “First, their scientists tagged and tracked us. We didn’t mind – we thought the more they learned about us, the better our lives would be. Evidently, they don’t even listen to their own scientists! Shame on them!

“Humans and their fossil fuels are making it hard for us – and the fish we feed on – to survive. Their pesticides and fertilizers run off into waterways. Their mechanized commercial fishing boats harvest way too many fish and trap us in nets where we can’t breathe.

"According to your stats, about a hundred people are bitten by sharks a year – but a hundred million sharks are killed by humans!"

“I see you squirming, diver. Have I made you uncomfortable? How do you live with yourself? How many millions of my brethren need to die for you to have your shark fin soup? According to your stats, about a hundred people are bitten by sharks a year – but a hundred million sharks are killed by humans! Your people should be the ones on trial! You come to my home and disturb our peace, then accuse us. The audacity of you people!”

Larry wrapped up his statement. “Your Honor, if you rule to relocate us, then we request sanctuary from humans. Give us a haven where no humans may destroy our environment or take our lives!”

A curtain of silence fell on the room. The prosecutor meekly asked for a recess.