Think But Don't Forget to Feel

What the hell is wrong with this world? What am I supposed to do? Everyone seems to have already figured it out? And then, there is me, still trying to find a direction, what's wrong with me, wait, Is there actually anything wrong with me or Is it just normal, If it is normal, why is my head aching, what is this feeling of tiredness, Why have I been thinking so much, I don't think, a day has passed by in last 2 years, when I didn't think, Leave thinking, in last 2 years, I haven't had proper sleep, It's affecting everything, my work, my friendships, my life, it's like I'm caged in this endless loop, same thoughts with no ending begins everyday, I know it but still can't stop or maybe I can stop, I just don't know how to? Is this overthinking? but how am i supposed to get to conclusion if I don't think?

Thoughts were racing through my head as I was standing in line to get to park. I had read, visiting parks, being with nature helps you calm down. So, Here I was with my right hand in my pocket, and left on my forehead, with left thumb acting as main support along with index and middle fingers, for my overly heated head. Thoughts were coming and going with I having no control, but barely being used as a means of providing fuel.

"Move ahead Kid, Where are you?" Someone shouted from back and patted on my right shoulder.

The person ahead had already entered, and people were waiting for me to continue. The guards were looking at me, and I, as if trying to hide my overthinking, leaned my head down, handed them ticket, without making eye contact, and passed through the gate in a hurried manner.

What was that? Everyone must be thinking of me as an idiot. Am I really idiot, NO, what am I thinking, it was okay, it was just fine, it happens, I got worked up, and hurried, but why didn't I make eye contact with the guards, what is this? Aah... How am I even getting this much time to think things like this, but this is what always happens, things do not stop here, I will remember this while talking with someone, and I will start behaving the same, why can't I just stop thinking, why can't I just be acting normal for sometime, for some peace.

With my forehead starting to feel heavy and a hollowness moving up my body, slowly passing through face, with a bit of burning sensation in my eyes, tiredness had got a full grip on my body.

After walking for sometime, and wandering through multiple places, talking to multiple people, living through numerous what if's..., switching through countless personalities, in my head, I spotted a bench.

The bench was just beside the running track. That park had a circular running track, with the middle of the ground being used by children, and adults running through the track, or in my case thinking through the tracks.

I sat on the bench on the left side.

Kids, they look so happy, I used to play in childhood, even I used to be happy, Wait, Is this the solution? I need to become a kid? No, This is happening again, Now, I'll move in life and perspective direction, and try to justify things happening in my life. No, I don't want this, I don't want this life, I just want to smile, I want to smile like that kid, who doesn't even know how to hold the bat, still he is smiling, I want to be them, I want to be that guy, who is playing with the dog, he looks content, but I am not them, Is this really the way, I hope, God helps me, but Is there a God, What is a God?

""Hello!" An old lady said with a black purse in left hand, and holding a little kid with her right.

The little kid with her eyes open was looking through the entire field as if in search of something.

Even I'm searching something, I just don't know what.

"Hello" I responded with a pinch of surprise and avoiding any eye contact.

"Can I take the seat?" She said while moving her head down directing towards the right spot of the bench.

"Yeah, Sure, Why not?" I responded while still looking away.

She sat down while looking at the kid who had moved towards the fields lookings at other kids playing.

"You look a bit stressed" She said still looking at the kid.

"No, Why would you say so?" I said in cautious tone, trying to defend my normality, at the same time trying to avoid any further talk.

"I know, You were avoiding eye contact, your eyes look like as if you haven't slept in days, and I saw you running, you looked very confused" She had said everything breaking all of my walls.

Is it so transparent?

I thought to myself thinking everyone must be knowing this then. A slight fear started creeping in my body, with a warm sensation running through.

"It's totally fine, Even I used to think a lot, maybe more than you" She said in a very casual manner.

"You also?" I said while trying to understand how it was possible, and at the same time, being a bit happy that I wasn't the only one.

"Yeah, Everyone goes through it, It's totally normal" She said.

"You can talk to me" She said while looking at me.

I looked at her for first time and I felt it was fine. Anyway, I had read talking to stranger helps, Taking this as my cue, I let go of my cautiousness.

"No, but these thoughts are just too much, it's always there, I don't know what to do" I said while putting my hands on my head in desperation.

"It's as if I just think, and have forgotten to feel" I said while trying to hold my tears.

"Try to relax a bit, try to calm yourself down" The Lady said.

"It's not that easy, I have tried, that's the reason I came here, to calm myself down." I said.

"Then start writing them" She said.

I looked at her.

"Writing what?" I asked.

"You thoughts" She said.

"How will that help?" I asked in surprise.

"It streamlines your thoughts, also, If you start writing, your focus will shift from the thoughts, and slowly you will get better" She said in a very calm manner.

"How do you know?" I asked questioning her calm manner.

"I do the same." She said brightening her eyes with innocence on her face.

"Understand it like this, when just thinking, it's got a free highway, and it will go on full speed the more time you drive it, but if you bring in writing, time is getting divided." She said.

"Also, Writing will be a bit slower, so it will calm you down, and the most important, when you write, you will see the changes in your thoughts, and you will have your issues written" She continued while nodding her head.

It makes sense but how will I write? Is there a pattern?

I was thinking to myself, she must have grasped my questions.

"You do not have to write in a grand manner, just write whatever is coming to your mind, it's as simple as this, I used to do same." She told.

"And If you feel like changing the way you write, do it, it's yours to change anytime, anywhere, If you start thinking over this, then also write, It's totally fine." She said in a very calm manner.

I looked at her.

"What do you do?" I asked.

"I am a Writer" She said with pride showing up in her eyes.

"You might just become a Writer too" The Lady said smilingly while closing her eyes.

"Grandmother, Let's go fast else we will miss it" The little kid said while holding the lady's right hand, trying to drag her off the bench towards the ice cream seller.

The Lady laughed and looked at me bringing her right hand's finger towards her head, and then to her heart, while standing up. It was as if she was telling me to think but not forget to feel.

She stood up, and started walking in the direction of the ice cream seller. I looked at her and then at my hands.

Maybe I should give it a try

I thought to myself, It made me feel something, something good, something positive, I was happy after a long time, I was happy in the moment. Even though it was a just hope, but finally I had something to do.

I looked in her direction, She was already gone. I stood up, with my heart happy after a long time. I could feel a cooling effect through my body, my head turning light very slowly, it was as if things were getting released. My body was becoming light, my eyes were opening, things were changing, I could feel a bit of vibration going up in my back. This whole thing was giving a very positive feeling.

I have to write!

I thought to myself loud enough, while standing up from the bench and walking towards the exit gate.

I knew what I was gonna write about.