Things I Would Do Differently If I Was A Vampire

I don’t often reinvent myself as a semi-mythological creature but yet here we are dear readers.

So what would I do if I was a vampire?

First, it seems like vampires spend a lot of time hunting for people or animals or like getting vegan blood. It’s very time consuming and I’m lazy AF.

I’m going to bypass all that hunting bullshit with an airtight strategy as follows:

Establish The Church Of His Sacred Blood which will be registered as a non-profit organization.

Get loan for trucks and offer people tshirts, pizza, or maybe even a netflix membership in exchange for donating blood.

I drink the blood that is collected. I sell leftover surplus blood to members of the elite Vampire community who have also tired of hunting for themselves.

Within 12 months, I have somehow negotiated a trade deal on the black market and have contracted pirates to deliver my blood surplus via boat to countries throughout the world.

By month 24, I have made a deal with Elon Musk to have the Church of the Sacred Blood INFAMOUS Bloody Mary Bar established as the go to eatery for his imperial nation on Mars.

Disney won’t have anything on this shit. In the casting in my mind, I envision Mary being a very large drag queen but this is an equal opportunity establishment so we will encourage all to apply.

*******

Now that blood procurement and financial reserves are being met. I turn over the leading of The Church of the Sacred Blood to a Board of Directors comprised of both Vampires and Vampire sympathizers.

I collect a healthy stipend as chair Vampire emeriti. I come to meetings when I feel like it . . . which is rarely. I have bigger problems now.

The Problem With Being A Vampire Is Everyone Wants To Have Sex With You Even Though They Know It’s Not A Good Idea

At first I was just fucking these mortals for sport but then I was doing like 30–40 a day. Sometimes all at the same time.

Eventually I got tired and started to charge them for it hoping that would trim the guest list.

Nope. Didn’t happen.

So now I have no choice but to outsource my VampireFuckery to staff members. Some of which aren’t even really vampires.

These mortals don’t give a fuck though. We took a chick off the plane from Ohio into the VampireFuckery Factory (she was out of work due to the restructuring at her old job . . . she was a content creator . . . at OnlyFans . . .I mean it was the least we could do) and we just told her to tell the dudes she was a vampire.

I mean she made a six figure salary smoking cigarettes on a 24 hour live feed before dressed like a furry Barn Owl. And that seemed to qualify her at least in my opinion. It’s way fucking harder to pretend to be a furry Barn Owl that chain smokes than it is to be a blood sucking woman who steals the souls of men. She was a natural fit.

This furry Barn Owl turned Vampire ended up working her way up from door girl to opening act to the main event.

Now she’s my VP of sales.

Oh, you thought that meant Vice President. Nope at the VampireFuckery Factory that title stands for Vampire Person. It’s sort of like really fancy Human Resources.

We auctioned off her furry Barn Owl outfit and donated the proceeds to charity to benefit displaced members of OnlyFans that were not so lucky.

Final Thoughts

Being a vampire is far harder than I imagined. All I wanted was to just not have to hunt for blood and now I have an illegal blood ring that’s manned by pirates, a Church that worships my shadow image, and a destination orgy site.

Maybe next time I will just try to be something else that’s less work.