The Vegan Ned’s

In 2025 neds were almost a distant memory, however John and his mates were part of a new breed, the vegan ned.

John looked like your stereotypical ned from the early 2000’s; he was wearing a Marseille tracksuit, white socks tucked into his joggies, an Adidas hat pointing upwards and white shoes. The only difference between John and the OG neds is that John and his mates were strict vegans, to the point that even their shoes couldn’t be leather.

Despite being a ‘wee dick’ most of the time, John like many others from his generation cared for the environment.

It was a Saturday night and Johns mates were round at his ‘maws hoose’. They had just finished a tofu curry and were now jumping about the living room to GBX and drinking Buckie (which they made sure was Vegan).

Feeling a buzz they decided to go a walk round the streets of their scheme, taking their bottles with them.

They brought a speaker with them so they could blast GBX. As they turned the corner they saw another group of neds from a rival scheme.

Both groups immediately squared up, John was always said to be the leader of his group so he stood front and centre with his arms wide, leaving his 4 pals behind him.

‘Here John that cunts wearing leather Nike’s, smash the wee prick’ Johns mate Si shouted.

John confronted the leather wearing ned.

‘Think you’re a hard man ruining our planet dae ye aye ?’

As soon as the words left Johns lips, he raised his Buckie bottle and smashed the other ned over the head with it, knocking him out clean out.

‘That’s what you get for wearing leather ya prick’ John spat.

A brawl broke out between the two sides which John and his gang won. The other group had no choice but to bolt, leaving their unconscious mate on the floor.

Broken glass was scattered all over the pavement.

‘Here lads remember to pick up all the glass and chuck it in the blue bin’ demanded John.