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The Souvenir

A short story

By Dae GastonPublished 2 years ago 11 min read
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The Souvenir
Photo by Joanna Kosinska on Unsplash

“You cannot defeat darkness by running from it, nor can you conquer your inner demons by hiding them from the world. In order to defeat the darkness, you must bring it into the light.”

-Seth Adam Smith, Rip Van Winkle and the Pumpkin Lantern

Shivering beneath my tattered blanket, a small cup of hot cocoa in my hand, my mind begins to wander. Looking out the window, a scene of the country snow is twinkling back at me. Though I’m looking beyond as if the snow nor the window is even there. Further and further into the depths of what was, I remember.

A cool summer night in Burlington on the porch with him. He takes a drag off his cigarette and shivers as if it’s colder than the alps outside. I side-glance at his curls and await his one protruding fang to show itself when he smiles but he doesn’t even grin.

Hesitantly, I ask, almost in a whisper, “Are you okay?”

Frowning briefly he responds. “Fuck no.” He takes a second, even longer drag and then puts the cigarette out on the pavement and rushes inside. I follow him back into the subsidized apartment that he was living in with his Brother’s family for the time being.

We just had an argument before he came out to smoke. It seems that’s been happening a lot lately. We were both stressed constantly. I was scared that if I opened up it would only add to his load of suffering. However, from his point of view, I’m sure it looked and felt like I was just uninterested. Which wasn’t the case.

The hot chocolate is colder now. How long have I been sitting here? I’m brought back to reality where my kitten is meowing at me.

“ Hey Chester. ” I stroke him for a time. “Cutey-pa-tooty. You always know when I need lovin’.” And he does know when I need cheering up. I think that’s why I got him. Without something to anchor me down, I’d lose my mind.

Grateful, I continue to stroke him. Each stroke is like the ticking of a metronome pulling me away yet again into the commemorative abyss.

It’s morning and I’m waking with my arm draped over him. He’s still asleep. I don’t want to wake him. I want to stay like this for a bit and let him sleep.

Such warmth is radiating off of him. He’s so small and frail looking but somehow he has such heat. But, it’s always been like that. Big things, small packages and all that. Such an ember inspires comfort. Suddenly, I’m getting sleepy again. I feel so warm and safe. Maybe, he’ll still be here. So. Sleepy.

I awake to Chester lying at my feet purring in his sleep. I reach up and grab him and hold him close. I’ll never leave you. I remember thinking that as I nuzzle his fur, wetting it with my tears. Crying for a time, I’m remembering more about him and the promises we made to each other.

It’s the middle of the night at my parents’ house in Monroe. He and I sit on bed in the guest room. We sit in the middle of the bed as he pulls out a piece of paper that he unfolds.

“I want to read something to you.”

Intrigued and in awe, I say, “Okay, go ahead.”

He begins to read. Not even halfway into it and I’m already blushing with sweaty palms and holding back tears. By the end of it, all I want is to melt into him. And I do. On the bed, in the yard, and underneath the moonlight, we melted together. Later, back in the bedroom, we are trying to sleep and I’m crying and trying to do so unnoticeably. Eventually, I cry myself to sleep.

After a good cry. I get up and head into the kitchen to try to find something to eat. Opening up the pantry, I see ramen and instantly become dizzy for a split moment. Once it passes, I head to the fridge and see some salad stuff and a plate of leftovers from dinner at my parents. My insides turn so I take twenty minutes or so to see if it will pass. After laying down for another hour, after it all seems to have passed, I look in the freezer. Turning to rush to the bathroom and hurl all over the floor in front of the toilet. I didn’t make it.

Chester comes and sits in the doorway, meowing at me for attention. Crying once again, my long hair pulled back and puke dripping from my face, I just can’t do anything but sit there and hate myself.

“I don’t know what to do, Kay-Kay,” I say to my aunt over the phone. “I love him but I can’t deal with my shit and his. What do I do?” To this her response is to break up with him.

I tell her, “I can’t.”

Tilting her head forward and glaring at me like a judgy teacher, peering at me through outdated glasses, she says six words that burn like salt in a wound. “Just rip it off like a band-aid.”

I hang up with her angrily. Proceeding to call him, I’m shaking and practically choking on a lump in my throat. My heart is begging me not to do this.

He answers, “Hi, Bunny. What’s up?”

My heart cracking a bit at the seams, I continue. “Kitty…” I can’t do it.

“Yes?” He ‘s waiting.

“I think we need to take a break.” For a moment that seems endless, there is nothing on his end of the line.

Finally, a quiet, yet devastated, hoarse voice comes through, crying. “What?” I know what I’m doing but it’s the last thing I want. Even so, I continue.

“I think we should teak a break. I’m not breaking up with you.” I state this knowing it hurts like hell. My chest hurts. It feels like it’s being crushed by a boulder. “I think we just...need to focus on working towards healthier mentalities. Then we can be come back and be together.” Now, I’m offering false hope. Because, taking a break from us doesn’t end in retrouvailles. I’m a horrible human being.

Allyn starts crying and begging me over and over to not leave him. My heart sinks heavier and heavier. I keep telling myself that it’s for the best, he deserves better. That maybe he will be better without me. Each time my chest hurts more and more. Finally, I block him.

Lying on the floor, my head in a puddle of tears and vomit, Chester starts to lick the mess. I get up and shoo him away. After cleaning up the floor, I look into the mirror only to yank myself away before I fall too deep into thought, again. I turn on the water and it’s just more flashbacks and more of me fighting it back. I turn the water off, crying again.

“What is wrong with me?!” I’m yelling to God for the first time in years because I’m left broken as I left him. “I’ve been with several people since him and I still can’t move on! Why?!” I look at the bracelet one Marc left behind after I kicked him out. Taking it off, I throw it across the room in a fit of self-loathing.

Getting up, I stumble over to my makeup bag and rummage through my makeup and throw all the one’s Char bought for me into a trash bin. Going over to my dresser, I tear up one of the Maine t-shirts that Corey bought me hating every bit of my being.

Finally, I open the chest at my altar and pull out the tarot cards and damiana, about to throw them. Before I can do the deed, something catches my eye and the whole world around me stops. I take the yellow piece of paper, folded so neatly, and open it. It’s from him. It’s the letter from all that time ago.

At twilight, on the day Mary J is being legalized in Vermont, we are at a motel room with His brother, sister in-law, niece and two nephews. The kids are watching spongebob and one of them is on the edge of the bed while they watch.

My beloved briefly glares over at his brother and sister in-law. They took the kids and went out for a bit. After they left, we talked for a few moments and soon found ourselves in the shower . This was the first time we had seen each other like this.

We find each other wrapped in the other’s embrace kissing for a time. After, while we clean ourselves beneath the shower water, we lock eyes. I don’t think I’ve ever seen so deep into someone’s eyes before. Lurking behind those sad windows to his being, I see him. But I also see myself in the way that he sees me. In that moment, the bathroom felt like it’s own world off in some other universe, away from the rest of humanity. I felt so at peace. I felt love. For not just him or myself, but for us.

Taking a seat on the side of my bed in my small apartment, I read the letter, hoping to feel closer to the love I lost. It reads:

Daemon, Tyler, Bunny, My Love,

As you lay asleep, know that you alone make me happy.

As you lay asleep, as you softly huff in your sleep, I remain awake. Even asleep, even with a smooshed face or goofy snores, you are damn perfect.

As you lay asleep, my mind is racing about you, all that we will become, and all that we are. My love for you in this moment, a day away from being with you, is so deep and passionate. I want you. You under the moonlight. You in the darkness of my world. Yet I want you to feel my warmth and light. Right now. I wish that the strength of how I feel could heal you. I wish I could hold you. Forever. Right now.

NOW HERE WE ARE

Bunny. Kiss me. Love me. Caress me. Cuddle me. Because now you are my world. You always will be. Until the end. Until time holds us apart. You will always be the reason I’m smiling. The reason I’m happy. Alive. Warm. With you.

I look behind me. The past that everyone should forget. No one would want to remember. Twelve years old. Unbathed. In the back. Hiding from the world. Hiding every part of me. I would sleep in the same clothes and wear them the next day. Hair gnarled. Rats’ nest. Covered in scratches. Dried blood and thin arms. Every hardship. Every battle. Everything my life has thrown at me. Molding me. Carving me. No matter how many scars. No matter how many times I told myself I wasn’t worth it. Life isn’t worth living. That I would never be loved. I told myself I wasn’t worth anything. Period.

But you. Even though I let go of the past. You alone take my twenty years of suffering away. You alone heal every thought I’ve had. Every tear. Every scream for help. Now I feel whole. I feel completely important. I feel beyond loved. I feel worth breathing and living again. This world now seems friendly. This world has color. With you. My world.

I’m breathless in your love.

I’m safe because of your love.

Nothing would ever be the same.

Daemon, I love you.

Tyler, I goddamn love you.

Bunny, my star, I love you so much

You still lay asleep now. Tyler. But now, I am with my light. I am with my world. As close as I could ever be. Someday closer. Will you be my forever?

~Ember , your kitty

I’m still in tears, but no longer out of sadness. There’s a glimpse of hope. At last, I remember the most important rule about lights in the darkness. They are never gone. Taking my phone out I wipe my face and open facebook. True lights are always there.

Scrolling through the feed, and all my messages, something catches my eye. Pac. His ex’s profile seems to remind and prompt me to unblock Ember. I have to try. The light will always be there. Opening Ember’s profile, and holding my finger over the friend request button, my emotional mind begins to race. What if he doesn’t accept? What if he hates me? The what-ifs kept piling up. What if we get to be together again and it doesn’t work out? What if…?

“No.” I look over to the bracelet I threw at the wall, then to the makeup that I tossed all over the place, and to the torn up t-shirt, I’m remembering everything that happened since Ember and three months of a chestful of sorrow.

The love betrayed from Marc left me the bracelet. Marc cheated on me when I was just beginning to love him and abused me physically and emotionally. But I survived.

The narcissism from Char who had little faith in me left me with makeup. Char didn’t believe I would make my dreams a reality and cared only for herself. But I survived.

The narcissism, paranoia, and megalomania from Corey left me with a t-shirt from Maine. Corey controlled every aspect of my life from friends to family to work. But I survived.

The insane love lost in Ember left me with this letter. Ember made my life peaceful and made me feel safe, loved, and seen for my truest self. I will survive.

Wiping my eyes once more, finding myself finally making up my mind, and tapping the ‘friend request’ icon on the screen, these souvenirs offer me a promise to love again someday.

Short Story
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About the Creator

Dae Gaston

Dae Gaston is a writer, entrepreneur, and activist based out of New Hampshire.

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