The Old Man's Jazzy Trip

The Old Man's Jazzy Trip—A Tribute to American Music and Music People

"Well now, Sonny (Rollins), after I won that Oscar (Petersen), I was sure enough (Buddy) Rich, thanks to the music Art (Blakey), I learned as soon as I could Count (Basie). Yeah, it was the real McCoy (Tyner) and I felt royal like a Duke (Ellington). I felt so Dexter-ous (Gordon) and important. I was so glad from all the attention, I thought I might get a case of (Eddie)Lockjaw (Davis) from smiling so much. It wore me out, so I decided to go off on a (Billie) Holiday with a sweet Chick (Corea) named Sarah (Vaughn), since Mary Lou (Williams) was too busy.

"So, wearing my very fancy, (Cecil)Taylor-made Zoot-(Sims) suit, we left my cozy cabin in a Glenn (Miller) surrounded by a glorious field of marigolds on the side of (Charlie) Mingus Mountain in Arizona that sits on a high (Roy Eld)-Ridge overlooking the valley. We went all the way East to (Scott)Joplin, Missouri just so we could catch the (John Col-) Trane that was called the Cannonball (Adderly) express and it went for a fun-filled trip of a thousand Miles (Davis). That train was really swank, too. It wasn't no toy like that old Lionel (Hampton) set you might remember. Inside, it had a Woody (Herman) smell from all the oil and polished woods. It was all very Ornette (Coleman). There were all these carved, intricate designs that made me Dizzy (Gillespie). Soon, a fine young f-Ella (Fitzgerald) in a uniform came up and said, 'Won't you come this way, my (Benny) Goodman, because it only (Stan) Getz better! Our comfortable Dinah (Washington) is decorated just like a Japanese (Jack) Teagarden, and you won't even feel the train (Jimmy) Rushing along.'

"I asked that boy where he was from, and he said he was from Illinois (Jacquet), just outside of Chicago. So, I asked him if he knew any blues, but he didn't and I thought it was because he was such a (Warren) Baby (Dodds), barely twenty, who never learned about the blues, but, of course, I only thought it and never let on about the notion. Anyhow, we went on in and sat at a Cozy (Cole) booth on the shady side by the window. We both ate fried Chick-en (Webb) and mashed potatoes. Then, the (Art) Pepper shaker fell open into the potatoes and I sneezed at the Kid (Cory) in the next booth. Man, his Ma (Rainey) was sure mad! I got so embarrassed that I got Red (Norvo) in the face. I bought him ice cream and later shared a beer with his (Earl -Fatha -Hines).

"Then I learned there was an excellent (Chet) Baker on board, so I ordered an expensive Jelly-Roll (Morton) for dessert. It was all fancy and Artie (Shaw), with colorful icing, and was served on a (Horace) Silver platter. I thought it was going to be (Dave) Tough eating it all because of the Fats (Waller) and sweetness. Well I Ain't Misbehavin' and I was on my vacation, so I ate it all!

"Afterwards, I relaxed and gazed out at the passing scenery and wildlife. I saw a little Bunny (Berigan) hopping, and later, some Elk with a huge Buck (Clayton) running. We soon passed a ranch with a big corral that held a beautiful Philly (Joe Jones) prancing by an old red Barny (Kessel). A great (Charlie) Bird (Parker) flew by and I saw that it was a (Coleman) Hawk-in-slow, gliding flight. It soared up high and I saw some Lightnin' (Hopkins). I guessed there was a storm coming that was no Pee Wee (Russell) by the looks of it.

"Out on the Great Plains, I fell asleep and dreamed of when the (Don) Redman ruled and hunted buffalo until the (Paul) Whiteman came with guys like Wild Bill (Davison) and outlaws and cowboys. Someone came, shook me and said, 'Wake up, Buddy (De Franco), we're almost there!' Well, I woke up and saw a man who looked like (Willie) The Lion at the zoo. He was huge, with big (Louis) Armstrong like a fighting Turk (Murphy) from ancient Persia. His name was Big Bill (Broonzy), and he was the Conductor. He told us to go back to our compartment. Outside, the train sounded its warning (Lena) Horne.

"In our compartment, I stretched out on the Bunk (Johnson) and saw a big old (Max) Roach. I smashed it like it was a Cootie (Williams) from hell. Luckily, we were arriving to Marion (McPartland), a town in Ohio, because we just couldn't (Buddy) Hackett any longer. Disembarking, we ran into a Buddist (Thelonious) Monk who blessed us. It made me feel warm like the Sun (Ra).

"We were hungry again, so we found a Mexican cafe called La (Tito) Puente, where I ate so much I felt like I had a (Huddie) Leadbelly (Ledbetter) and needed a laxative. We finally hailed a Cab (Calloway) and drove along some (Kal) Winding road to the airport where we caught our plane ride home.

"And that, Sonny (Stitt), is the tale of your old man's jazzy trip--told with no (Don) Byas whatsoever!”