The New Beast

A Bath Defiled.

There is truly nothing worse than The Devil masturbating in your bathtub.

The time I spend in the bath is very important to me. I keep a lattice of floral-scented baths and body washes in my bathroom for the sole purpose of relaxing in them during a steaming bath. The sacred baths serve a practical purpose- they are hygienic, but they are also a way for me to discharge spiritually and die to the lawlessness in the world. This is a timeless way to restore harmony to your life and the best form of self-care I can imagine.

When they're absent, I am easily provoked toward a diabolical wrath. A wrath that is only second to the wrath of G-d himself. I am after all, a demonic officer in the Kingdom of Air– also known as Hell or The Dark Place where there is weeping and gnashing of teeth. One morning, after a particularly trying night at the office, my bath is interrupted by Lucifer. He is my subordinate, as I am the highest ranking officer in the Kingdom of Air. I am possessed with a terrible fury upon his arrival.

Good morning, Daughter. Mind if I join you?” Lucifer asks. I reply sternly with an exasperated sigh, "Yes, I do mind. This is not your bath. Leave. Now." He arrogantly ignores my rebuke and sloshes into my peony and diamond bath with a groan. Satan has no boundaries and Lucifer refuses to acknowledge that I am his superior. I look him directly in the eye and say, "Get out of my bathtub now.”

Lucifer responds, “Daughter, you know I can't resist a steaming hot bath of diamond and . . . jasmine? What’s the temperature?” Realizing the appeal of my bath, I simper, "it's the number of a man.” The demon replies, "You know me too well, as The Beast. I have the air conditioner in my office set to the same number.” I ask,“why do you still have an air conditioner in your office? I know I threw that thing into the fire!”

At this revelation I am undone and transform from human into full demon form. My skin and my eyes blacken. My hair is replaced by six horns. Four small horns frame the corners of my face and two large spiral horns emerge from my crown. Two wings spring forth from behind my shoulder blades and slap Lucifer sharply in the face. "Did you get the bottle of cherubim tears I sent you for Christmas?”

Lucifer begins weeping at my query, as he is reminded of the effect that holy tears have on demons– it is an immediate rebuke from G-d that causes blindness and disorientation. I howl at him like banshee, “Get. Out of. My. Bath. Nooooooow!"

My wings dance and lift my body out of the bathtub. I land on both feet and tuck my wings behind me. "I'm calling The Lamb right now," I say to Lucifer as I return to human form and wrap myself in a towel. I snatch my iPhone from the vanity and dial 1-2-1. This happens to be the Lamb's number.

The Lamb is Christ Jesus. He is my Messiah and Lord. I am His faithful servant. I was promoted the position as the New Beast after firing Lucifer during a self-induced physical death through alcohol poisoning. This happened after praying for an executive leadership position.

As a human on the earth I am a born-again Christian. In the Kingdom of Air I am The Beast. In the heavens above The Kingdom of Air, I am The Daughter of Man. In The Kingdom of Heaven before G-d I am known as Daughter or The Bride of Christ.

The Lord answers, "Daughter, you were just in prayer. What’s up?” I tell him, "Lucifer just got in my bathtub,” and Jesus asks, “are you sure you didn’t have too much wine for dinner?” "Is there such a thing?" I appeal, "No. But thank you for the reminder." I walk out of the bathroom and head to the kitchen to retrieve a glass of the Pinot Grigio that is chilling in my refrigerator.

I return to the bathroom in hope that this pain-in-the-butt would flee. And to my horror I discover that Lucifer is defiling my bath. My wineglass drops to the floor as I witness him groaning with pleasure while stroking his genitals in my bathtub. I lament into my phone, "Lord, why doesn't he listen?! He is masturbating in my bath right now."

A few seconds later, Christ appears in my kitchen. I hear him retrieving glasses from the cupboard. Next, the refrigerator door opens and he pours two glasses of Pinot Grigio. The Lord walks down the hallway in my direction and hands me the glass. I smile as tears begin to well in my eyes-- his mercy endures.

The Lamb stands in the doorway of my bathroom and wastes no time in rebuking Lucifer for his offense. He asks,” Why are you in Daughter’s bath? She didn’t invite you.” Lucifer replies, “she set the temperature to the number of The Beast. That’s all I needed.”

"She is entitled. That's her setting," The Lord says with searing authority. "You were demoted by Daughter years ago. Do you not remember this? Our father promoted her to due to your inability to manage your own kingdom. She has done a wonderful job of taking over your responsibilities as The New Beast. You are and have always been a wicked and rebellious servant. Leave her bath now and do not return. We do not know you.”

Lucifer lifts himself out of my tub and as he leaves he says to me contritely, “I’m sorry about your carpet.” I briefly wonder what he means. As I walk to my living room, the smell of burning sulfur stings my nostrils. I instantly return to demon form as I discover that the carpeting in my living room floor has a gaping hole burned into it. The hole is attached to a portal directly to Lucifer's office in The Kingdom of Air.

I, The New Beast, disgracefully pad down my hallway towards the bathroom. The Lord has just finished cleaning my bathtub. It shines with a seraphic light as it fills with water. The bath is holy and impossible for me to get into in demonic form. I am naked and ashamed.

Christ says to me, “do not worry.” His gaze is like a blazing fire and my soul is filled with his peace. I am reminded that he serves me in a way greater than I could ever serve him in return. I begin weeping at The Lamb's feet and change back into human form. I am naked and redeemed.