The moment we didn't get together

It had been a long evening. Drink had followed drink, story had followed story, smiles had followed smiles.

There was a warm glow sitting behind my cheeks and by some miracle I was not feeling sick.

In that moment the last thing I would have spoken to you about was destiny, but the flaw in the concept was about to reveal itself.

My whole being was focused on the person opposite me. Watching his face frame words and knock back wine.

I had liked him since we first met and had found a loose excuse for asking him out.

It seemed in my drunken haze that he liked me, but what was to follow would leave this question hanging in the air somewhat mysteriously.

I watched him closely as he polished off the last of his current glass of wine, he smiled hesitantly.

"Shall we get the bill?" He said.

"Sure." I responded, as relaxed as I could.

The place was expensive and I'd been trying to monitor my glasses, so the bill wouldn't terrify me. However, when we came to pay he just said: "I'll get it."

"No." I protested, but his credit card was already tapping the machine before I could even get my wallet out to find mine.

It was a steep bar bill for two people, I felt awful. It must have showed.

There was nothing for it, but to step outside.

"Thank you." I exclaimed.

"Don't worry about it." He said. "Do you live round here?"

"Yes." I said, more than a little nervously.

"It's a nice area," he said, "I live a little way away."

Stalling for time I said: "I'll walk in your direction."

"Are you sure?" He said.

"Come on. I live here..." I said more assuredly than I felt.

He walked a painfully short distance and then stopped at a bus stop.

"This is me." He said.

"Oh." I said, trying to sound casual and probably failing.

There was a pause, I looked at him awkwardly. Despite my drunken-ness and the pause it didn't seem like an invitation to kiss.

"I'll see you again soon." I said at length.

"Definitely." He said.

I glowed at this point and turned and scurried off.

I hardly need to tell you that we still haven't met up again. A few texts, but no more meet ups.

So there you have it. Destiny is what you make it. You kiss him, you get together, you fail to, you may never even remain proper friends.

I mean, I don't know if he's dating, in a relationship, ill, all I'm really sure of is that he is not quite married.

This is how we never got together.

So some would say it was destined to be.

But, what if I had kissed him?

What if I had said something?

Would I be telling a different story now?

Can you really tell me that we were destined never to kiss? When all that really stopped that happening on my part was awkwardness...

Not just this is the moment we didn't get together, but this is why we are destined to be apart for all time... Like some sort of apocalyptic thunder clap of spiritual forces.

If that's true... Why do anything? Why go out anywhere with anyone if it's all leading to some fated place you have no control of anyway?

Destiny as a concept, sucks.

This was not destined to happen, or rather not happen, it just happened.

Damn.

Maybe that's actually worse. It's all my fault that I am telling you this and not spending New Year with a handsome, generous man.