The Long Arm of the Thaw

The Long Arm of The Thaw

A Watery End.

My mind was made up for me after listening to the lyrics from the opening credits to the TV programme, ‘Mash’.

Through early morning fog I see

Visions of the things to be

The pains that are withheld for me

I realize and I can see

That suicide is painless

It brings on many changes

And I can take or leave it if I please

So apt!

I never had the guts to do it rapidly with the finality of a gun to the brain, leaping off a tall building or throwing myself under a bus.

Instead, I decided to make the dying process a long, drawn-out affair. In fact, that was the cause of my decision to do away with myself. My long, drawn-out affair had just ended.

Winter had arrived, done its worst and was about to leave with its overcoat on. Earth had just gone through a cold spell of a pandemic that had lasted for over a couple of years. Outside, ominous ice crystals stalked the streets and alleys, disguising Jack the Ripper shadows, eagerly wafted by a hooded Stephen King, or so it felt.

Now the pandemic was easing, winter was on the wane, but the cold was still pervading. It transferred the chill to my lover who had reacted very frostily towards me. The thoughtless bitch had returned to her husband after curling up in my bed under a heavy duvet every night for the last year. Just because a big thaw was forecast, the temperature was set to rise exponentially. The long-awaited warmth coincided with her frigidity and the downward spiral of our relationship. She even called me boring!

And I thought she loved me. In fact, it was my feather duvet that she really cared for. As soon as the mercury started to rise, she disappeared one morning and raced back to her pathetic husband who welcomed her open legs with open arms. And she took my duvet! The fact that I was totally enamoured with her, thrust me into a state of depression.

So, I decided on suicide.

I've always been a bit of a coward, but a curious coward and, so, decided on an experiment. Experiments suited my nature, mainly because I worked in a laboratory where we were constantly testing hypotheses, especially relating to weather and its causes. We worked on controlled tests, trying to reproduce conditions of nature in a false environment to determine weather forecasts regarding the lower layer of Earth's atmosphere, which is a layer of gases surrounding Earth. But - I'm boring you.

That is my nature - precise, questioning, tedious, and analytical. Exciting or what?

My decision was to walk out onto the frozen pond just a mile outside of the city boundaries and stand in the same spot as the thaw started working its magic. The idea was to see how long the ice would take to melt with me as a conductor, from a solid, frozen state to a liquid - through which I would fall through to my watery grave. In the meanwhile, I could assimilate the time standing there with the rate of melt it would take for my plummet downwards and turn it into a mathematical equation. The formula would result from a combination of the equation of science with the objectivity of my long-standing suicide. Also, if I changed my mind while deliberating on the cold ice, I could always say, "Sod it. She's not worth the effort."

Mentally I needed to prepare myself. Physically I was of sound body and not too bad looking but the loss of my ex had left my brain unprepared for the trauma and my mood very dark. My confidence was at an all-time low. I felt I could never trust another female. The forthcoming challenge had given me a purpose and something to look forward to. I trembled in anticipation – or it could have been the cold wet air that was about to greet me outside.

I dressed in my duffle coat, gloves, woolly hat, scarf, and jumper making sure that I had my winter trousers and thermal underwear on. I also put on two pairs of hiking socks underneath my walking boots. I didn't want to freeze to death while waiting to die. I placed a notepad and pen in one of the toggled pockets, and in the other pocket, a pack-up of cheese and pickle sandwiches, and in a third inside pocket, a thermos flask full of hot coffee, then set off on the way to my final destiny.

An hour later I reached my destination – the frozen pond. The air was feeling slightly warmer. It was definitely not as cold as it had been of late, and the thick ice had that liquidly film of H2o (there I go with a chemical symbol already) hovering above the surface of the frost like sweat covering the delicate skin on a very old person.

Before bravely stepping out I timidly tested the surface to look for cracks developing, cocking my head trying to hear the faint, echoey sounds of breaking ice. I picked up a sizable stone and threw it towards the centre of the pond. It sang the enjoyable, satisfying tune of, ping, ping, ping, that got fainter as it bounced away over the fifteen-centimetre-thick surface. No cracks, no holes, just solid, solid water. Taking out my notebook and pen I scribbled my first observations to be later formulated scientifically.

Carefully I hedged my way over the slithery film towards the centre of the mini lake, stopping at regular intervals to listen out for any tell-tale sounds of cracking. I did not want to fall through at this early stage as I had my experiments still to conduct.

My breath was escaping in clouds of gaseous H2o (steam) like the hot dog seller's cart who frequented the city's mean streets. Were you aware that exhaled breath contains about 250 different chemicals? That thought was making me feel hungry, so I unzipped the pocket with my pack-up and started chomping on my sandwich. I was quite amazed as to how good it tasted and wondered if my senses had been heightened due to my impending demise. I did only eat a half sandwich just in case the thaw took longer than anticipated, then washed it down with a welcoming drink of hot coffee.

The sun weakly shimmered through the misty air desperately trying to burn away the floating droplets. Pale as it was it was starting to eat up the thawing atmosphere. I was quite enjoying myself. Shaking my head upon this realisation, I made myself concentrate on the job in hand, trying to calculate how long it might take for the ice to soften enough for me to fall through it Using my observational skills I started to collect data, noting the atmospheric changes and scribbling a few notes in my pad.

It was a long and, in my opinion, a fruitful, day. Then night covered me like a damp blanket. As always during a thaw, the rising damp air seemed to seep into everything. I shivered in my walking boots.

I told myself to stick it out and look ahead with confidence. Fortunately, I’d also brought along my mobile – not to call anyone, you understand, but to tune in to a music channel to keep myself company. I’m pleased I did as it would have been a long, exhausting lonely night with my thoughts as my only company.

It was a long and lonely night – even with the music. Then the phone needed charging! My plunging spirits rose with the sun as the warmth seeped through my aching bones, making me feel human again.

I spent the next two long days and nights repeating much of what I had been doing since my arrival, calculating this, reasoning that, formulating numbers in my head and in my pad. I have to admit I was pretty bloody tired being vertical for far longer than I was used to. I noticed that my feet, at the end of my numb legs, were settling into the melting ice leaving indented shapes of my boots. I’d estimated that I’d sunk in about 5 centimetres, dividing the depth into the time spent on the not so solid water, also considering the extra heat from the sun. My little notebook was getting fuller but spongy. My stomach was empty, and crampy. I was feeling hungry now that my cheese butty had disappeared into my stomach spasms. Even though I had rationed my drink it was all but gone and had also lost its heat. I’d calculated that I could last one more day without going bonkers, starving to death or collapsing from shear mental and physical tiredness, and that wasn’t my ultimate plan. I was even looking forward to sliding through the ice, just for a change of circumstance but I needed to work out when it would happen. More calculations!

That night was worse than the previous two. The whole melt was taking a lot longer than anticipated. Due to my exhausted state, I momentarily sat down and immediately got a soggy botty. That did not help my restless mood. But again, the rising sun lifted me.

By mid-day, my lift was about to descend.

I’d decided I’d finally had enough and had gone right off the idea of falling into freezing but thawing water. Anyway, why should I kill myself when it would probably be easier to formulate a plan to murder my ex.

“Bugger!” I exclaimed. “I’m out of here.”

I took one step forward and the long-participated thaw hit home with a resounding crack as the surface under my feet gave way. Now underwater, my breath froze in my lungs as I tried to gasp for air. Frantically I thrashed around under the ice, hoping to find a handhold. I tried to swim but my brain was swimming for me.

“What was I thinking of?” I aimlessly asked myself.

Desperately I tried to find the hole I’d just fallen through but to no avail. Darkness was descending as was I. My life was about to flash before me when, miracle of miracles, an arm that was not my own, grabbed my hand and yanked me unceremoniously towards fresh air. I flapped around on the surface like the proverbial fish out of water. I had been saved but who was my saviour? Words of ‘thank you’ tried to formulate on my cracked lips to no avail. All that came out was a trembling, stuttering mumble.

It turned out that a regular visitor to the pond had been studying me for the last couple of days, wondering what on earth I was up to. It hadn’t dawned on him what my motive was, he just thought I was some nut-case craving attention. To be on the safe side he approached a police person from the nearest station, explaining the situation. The policewoman (for it was a she) decided to check me out for herself and as it happened, arrived at the exact same time that I took my plunge. Seeing me disappear through the ice, she raced over as carefully as she could manage and stuck her long arm through the hole I’d created. Thank the law, she was in time.

Back at the station, I was wrapped up in silver foil, feeling like the left over from the previous night’s fish and chips, and given the best tasting hot coffee I had ever had in my misdirected life. I’d not even been charged with wasting police time. My saviour drove me home and even checked on me later in the evening to make sure I was alive and kicking and of sound mind, promising to visit me the next day.

And she did. That’s when the relationship flowered.

The thaw was finally over, and all ice had melted. So had my heart – to the female bobby who saved me, in more ways than one. She was a fair cop who warmed my emotions. I was hot for her, and joy of joys, so was she for me. The beauty of it all was her name. When she told me, I knew she was the girl of my dreams.

Of Bulgarian descent, she was called Anna Litić.

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