The Last First Day

Some guy got hit by a train, but all Danny could think of was how late he’d be on his first day of senior year. He didn’t even feel guilty at the thought. Life moves on. Some people have places to be. He swiped to the Google app on his phone and checked the news for the third time to see if there were any updates on the story. Apparently, the pedestrian was struck at four in the morning. That was a whole three hours ago and yet Danny’s train was still crawling at what felt like five miles per hour. Sure, the incident must have spooked the conductors, but they acted as if the event would inspire a hundred more people to tempt fate, like the Tide Pods challenge.

The train was moving so slowly that the scenery behind each window did not blur like Danny had been accustomed to. Now, he could read the signs on different restaurants and stores. There was Staples. He’d been meaning to go for school supplies… he had meant to do a lot of things over the summer, important things, but thinking about what he should have done, what he should be doing, only gave him a headache. Then Staples slowly disappeared and the freeway rode up to the side of the train. Cars passed them like children on a school bus teasing the one kid who walks. Danny groaned and tilted his head back, hitting it against the side of the wall. Great, now his head hurt inside and out.

Just as the freeway dipped right and out of view, and the gray concrete turned into black asphalt streets, the train jerked to an uneasy stop, making Danny lean all the way to his right. He muttered under his breath. How could the train still stop so abruptly when decelerating from such a slow velocity? Danny didn’t want to think about physics (it was a horrible class last year) and finally got to his feet. The intercom announced the doors were opening on Chanting Station. Danny picked up his cheap backpack. It only had one notebook, a pencil, and a calculator. It was the first day of senior year; Danny initially didn’t think about bringing a backpack at all. He hopped off the train and onto the red brick, outdoor platform.

Danny found himself just standing there in the morning sun, watching the train slowly pull itself along the metrocable as it crossed a street. Cars waited on either side of the railroad crossing signs. Danny found it amusing how confused the drivers probably were at watching this train drag by in front of them. Danny yawned and before the train left his line of sight, he stooped under one of the two station awnings for shade. He took out his phone again. He was already fifteen minutes late to his first period, AP Statistics. By the time he’d walked to school, he would be twenty five minutes late. What were a few more minutes, he thought as he opened up Instagram. Because the username @DannyShu and most other variations of them were taken, Danny had resorted to @DannyShoup, a nickname kids at his school used to tease him with. He was okay with it now that he had claimed it for himself. As Danny scrolled down his feed, his friends were already posting selfies on campus, captioning them as “I can’t believe it’s my last first day of high school ever!” It made Danny sick as if he had just been forced to swallow a dessert overloaded with sugar, while the dryness of the cake was shrouded by another coat of icing. He couldn’t understand why his peers kept applying more layers of celebration, making something normal seem like such a big deal. Danny wasn’t ready for the storm that brewed under the calendar. On the surface, the calendar dates increased, but Danny knew that the numbers were actually counting down his remaining days before everything would be over, the days he had left to make everything a big deal. But today, he was not ready.

Danny felt his heart ache more than his head as he stuffed his phone back into his pocket and walked off the platform. The railroad crossing bars had lifted. Danny turned left and stood in the middle of the opposite tracks. He thought about the person who had been hit. Did they stand there just like him, too scared to move forward, or were they in the middle of getting somewhere just like him, school awaiting? Either way, it didn’t change the fact that they were hit. It made Danny feel better that perhaps his choices did not matter at all.

He continued across the tracks, but decided to take the long way to school, the way around the back, so he could avoid all eye contact to the building for as long as possible. He passed by a tile shop called Kfloors, where the top diagonal stroke of the K extended upward and then downward over the rest of the letters to resemble a roof. A small chimney was sketched on top for extra effect. Danny found it rather contradicting that the store had “floors” in its name but the logo was a roof. A sign on the door read “Now Hiring.” Danny thought about it for a moment, about quitting school entirely to work at a tile shop for either floors or roofs. How fitting that a confused boy should end up working at a confused shop. Danny was never a terrible student. Rather, he got As in all his classes and spent nights studying to keep it that way. That’s how Danny came to the conclusion that he would not give up. Else, what would all that hard work have been for? He was trapped in his own high expectations, and it pissed him off.

He kept trudging along, even the lightness of his backpack beginning to weigh on him. He felt his legs dampen with sweat underneath his jeans. The rows of retail stores and gas stations seemed to be peeling off in quality with each step he took toward school, like the closer he waited until the deadline to start his homework, the messier his writing skills would become. It wasn’t always like that. During Freshman year, Danny didn’t procrastinate so much. He made homework big deals, the top of his priority list. But this mentality wasn’t coming back to him now, and Danny knew he needed it to apply to college. However, it was as simple and natural as losing feelings for someone, how over the summer when Danny marked his calendar on the due dates of every college application on his list, the deadlines didn’t blaze as harshly as they used to even after he added stars and highlights for special effect. His essay documents remained as empty as the promises he made over the summer to work on them.

As he crossed the street and took a right on Chanting, he cut across a park. The freshly sprinkled grass made his sneakers wet. Danny wanted to dive into this ocean, become an insect and lay on a cool bed made of a single blade of grass. But instead, he made it to the other end of the field where a chain link fence was the only thing standing between the football field and the park, where the grass was always greener. The football field was a foreign array of white lines that resembled a board game Danny didn’t know how to play. That was one less thing to write about for college essays. As Danny placed his hands against the fence that rattled at his touch, he couldn’t imagine why anyone would want to leave this side, but an invisible force was pushing him to keep moving, like it was his duty and fate to keep this train moving. He followed the chain link fence, his fingertips never leaving the metal like electricity was flowing through it and into him and all would be shut down if that connection was lost. He continued all the way around until he could see the front gates of the school. He could see it coming. He knew the second he walked through those front doors, the future, his every action would become a big deal. He braced himself for he was still not ready to face the countdown on his calendar or the rejections when he recovered his feelings for that loved one. It’s too late, they'll say. He’d already missed the last first day of high school. This seemingly normal job as a student was no longer a game and as conductor of his body, Danny tried to slow down his pace, to do anything but hit the front door, but he could not power off the fence and fingers. If not today, it’d happen tomorrow. He finally understood why his train was so slow that morning.