The Irresponsibly Chaotic Time Traveler

Arriving in the year 1381, Lee stepped out of the machine and onto the wet grass of the British moors. The metal door was slightly stuck in the mud, but that didn’t bother him. He was just excited that it worked. Stealing the time machine paid off and he’d evaded being captured for the time being.

Lee didn’t understand why only the government was allowed to have these machines. Well, he knew that HE couldn’t be trusted with one of them, but everyone? Why should they be the only ones allowed to use them? They didn’t even invent the fucking things. But he knew that all of his efforts to steal the machine were going to work out and he was going to have some real fun before they eventually caught him. It was the only logical end to everything, since they’ve already deemed him a terrorist for the “audacity” to be curious!

To hell with them, if they want chaos, I’ll show them chaos, he thought. He covered his long and dark hair with a hooded robe that resembled something close enough to the time period and walked toward the village. A peasant was plowing the field and his wife was milking a cow. They cocked their heads at him as he walked past, the smell of manure mixing in the air with the smell of a fresh shepherd’s pie. The pie would have smelled delicious if not for the overpowering stench of shit hiding behind it.

A painting of a king, presumably Richard II, was hanging for all to see on the outside of the nearby tavern. It’s a good thing their art gets better, because this painting looks like a four year old did it. Lee walked through the door and the sweet smell of mead hit his nose immediately. This was accompanied with the sight of freshly baked bread on the tables and the sound of a bard playing a lute. Lee asked the man at the counter who the king was while pretending to be a foreigner to excuse his ‘ignorance’. The bartender looked at him confused, clearly not understanding his accent.

Of course, I forgot to talk like a medieval peasant. I still talk like a middle class man a thousand years in the future.

“Hwa sy angelcyning?” (Roughly translated to ‘who is the king’)

“Richard II wealh” (accepting he was a foreigner).

He thanked the man and walked out of the tavern. Understanding that he was in the correct time and place, he decided that now was the time to take action. He walked back to his time machine with his wheelbarrow and began to unload the supplies that he had brought for the trip. Let’s see the king slaughter those peasants now.

Lee attended the local town meeting regarding the planned revolt against the king and storming of the tower. His wheelbarrow of strange items immediately attracted the attention of the peasants.

“People of Kent” he started in Old English, “I come to you bearing gifts from the future. I know you’re skeptical, but I assure you, I have traveled through time to assist you in your fight. You wanted that extra edge and advantage against the better armed military? Well, I offer a taste of the future”

Lee unveiled his wheelbarrow full of semiautomatic rifles. The peasant folks’ eyes widened in shock and confusion, never seeing anything like this in their lives. They backed away anxiously, not wanting to approach the strange man, nor his trinkets.

“I promise you, this will allow you to unleash more hell on those slavers than you’d ever be able to otherwise. You’re sick of being serfs? Tired of paying poll taxes? Give those tyrants what they’ve given you for centuries, tenfold.”

They were hesitant to use the weapons at first. When Lee gave a demonstration, they called it a weapon that carried out the justice of God, due to its mimicry of the thunder. They treated it like the bullet smote its foes from a distance with the righteous fury of a deity.

When they gained the nerve, the time traveler taught them how to use the rifles and modern day battle tactics. Training for weeks, the villagers caught on quickly to their new weapons and were ready to unleash hell on the king’s men. They had great precision with very little injuries during training. Lee was quite proud of the army he had raised. Now for the secret weapon.

“This, my friends, is called Bang Energy. It can give you precision, accuracy, speed, and an unkillable rage against your enemies. You will be unstoppable with this.”

The villagers tried the energy drink and their minds were absolutely blown. They’ve never tasted anything quite like it before and had a rush of adrenaline matching that of a tiger on cocaine. Lee was fairly certain they could see sound by this point and knew they were ready.

The following morning, Lee commanded the peasants to charge the tower. Armed with both AR-15s and Bang Energy, they put their new skills to the test. Their newfound power gave them the confidence of gods. Royal soldiers turned, swords in hand, and were immediately met with a barrage of bullets.

Not a single peasant was killed in the battle as the royal soldiers were slaughtered in a hailstorm of gunfire. No commoner was even damaged, as they could fire from a much further range than even the most skilled archer, which they took out first. The men that served the tyrant never stood a chance.

Battle-frenzied and out of their mind on caffeine, the peasants thrived and laughed in their victory. This carried on for only a few days as they became unstoppable instruments of vengeance. They had easily defeated their enemies and basked in the glory of their continuous conquest over their oppressors, including the king himself. They then declared themselves a free nation, liberated from the monarchy.

Lee felt fulfilled knowing that he made a difference in the lives of these men, women, and children. He helped them gain their liberty and prevented their slaughter at the hands of the tyrant, King Richard II. Knowing he couldn’t stay in the past forever, he gave the citizens one last goodbye and traveled back to his own time, leaving the men to enjoy their new power and freedom.

From that day forward, the people of New Britain, as they renamed it, never lived in fear again. They told stories and painted images of Lee, the Time Traveler who granted them the gift of liberty in the form of weaponry and godly adrenaline. They founded the Church of the Traveler and worshiped him as the messiah, much to his dismay. Well that wasn’t supposed to happen. What a mess. Well, at least the police won’t arrest the messiah, right?

Lee looked at the sign overhead in complete shock. Apparently, the nation of New Britain had gone on to control most of the entire world and were advertising their annexation of the entire continent of North America. Uh oh.

“Evening sir!” said the policeman, “Got your papers on you?”

“I’m sorry? What papers?” Lee replied.

“Oh. You must be new. Your registration papers for residing in the great empire of New Britain. If you don’t have them, I’ll have to take you to the Emperor, may he live forever, where you will be judged.”

Oh God, you’ve really screwed it up this time Lee.