The IQ Queue

The IQ Queue.

A skit

A man goes to an official building and stops to ask the doorman for directions.

Frank I'm here for the IQ test. Can you tell me where to go.

Doorman Certainly Sir. Just down the hall there and first door on the right.

Frank goes ...

At the door, an official (Ted) is sitting behind a desk with papers in front of him.

Frank I'm here for the IQ test. Is this the right room?

Ted Yes. Your name please?

Frank Frank Frankly.

Ted Frank (spells) F r a n k l y. And the time is 9.32 am on Friday 22nd February. Please go in.

Frank joins the queue he sees standing in the room. It leads to a door marked. TEST IN PROGRESS. There are about 8 people in the queue ahead of him. He stands there for a few minutes and fidgets, trying to look around until he taps the man ahead of him on the shoulder.

Frank Good morning. Hello. I’ve just arrived. I’m Frank. Are you waiting for the IQ Test?

Ian Yes, I'm queuing. My name’s Ian. Good morning and I think it is going to be a good one!

Frank Good! Good. Yes! Ummmmm. Why?

Ian We'll, there's only 8 people left in the queue. And I think we may lose number 2 soon.

Frank Oh. That's good is it?

Ian Yes. Good. Very good.

Frank Good. Ummmmm. Why?

Ian Have you seen him? Number two. Yes, I think he’s a gonner.

They both stretch their necks round for a better look whilst not moving their feet.

Number 2 in the queue is dying to go to the loo and hanging on desperately.

Suddenly, clutching his trousers, he rushes out. The whole queue takes one pace forward.

Ian See. Progress!

Frank I see.

Ian We keep losing them. Although I must say I take my hat off to the lady 5 spots in front of me.

They both stretch their necks round for a better look. 5 spots ahead a lady is nursing a small baby.

Ian She was in labour when I arrived.

Frank Surely you are joking!

Ian Course I am.

Frank Phew!

Ian No, I missed all the excitement. By the time I arrived, she'd had it, the doctor was leaving and it was all over. Still, it makes for a good story, don’t it?

Frank I suppose so. What’s the baby’s name?

Ian I dunno. Never asked her. I’ll find out. Jane. Jane? Jane! JANE!

Jane What?

Ian What’s your baby’s name?

Jane Dunno. She hasn’t been christened yet.

Frank Can I see your baby?

Jane No! I’ll lose my place in the queue. I know all about your sort. One step outta line an’ Whoomph! I’m outta here. Lost me place. I’m stayin’ put.

The men both stretch their heads round for another look.

Frank Who else is here? What about him at the front?

Ian Jack? Oh, he's famous.

Frank What do you mean, ‘famous’?

Ian He's been interviewed on morning television. They did a feature on him about three months ago.

Frank Three months! You mean he's been queuing for three months?

Ian Don't be silly.

Frank Phew. That's all right then. I thought for a minute that you meant ...

Ian He's been dead longer than that.

Frank What?

Frank looks around and notices that Jack is in fact a skeleton, sitting, propped up on a chair.

Ian (Calls) Ted. Ted! Come over here a minute.

The man from the desk walks over.

Ian Ted, how long's Jack been dead?

Ted Let me check. Ted looks in his chart. Jack, Jack, Jack, Ah! Here we are: passed away five months, two weeks and 3 days and ... (Checks watch) just coming up for 2 and a half hours. Quite the record holder is our Jack!

Frank But he's dead.

Both men look at him. All 3 men stretch their heads to look at Jack. There is a skeleton sitting in a chair at the head of the queue. It slumps.

Frank Why is he here if he's dead?

Ted Well, Jack was quite clear in his instructions. In the event of his death, he was not to be buried.

Ian He didn't want to lose his place in the queue. I mean, he's at the head of the queue.

Frank But he's dead!

All 3 men stretch their necks to look at Jack. Then they look at each other.

Ian Well, it's a queue, isn't it. That’s what you do. You queue.

Frank I queue?

Both together I. Q. !

Frank Ok. I get it.

(Frank settles down to queue and Ted returns to his desk).

Another man comes to the desk.

New Man Excuse me. I'm looking for the IQ test.

Ted Then you've come to the right place. It's here. You join that queue.

The new man looks at the queue.

New Man Not moving very fast, is it.

Ted Not very, sir. No.

New Man Not moving at all, by the look of it.

Ted Now you come to mention it Sir, no. Not at all, in fact.

New Man So why are they here?

Ted It's a queue sir. They don't want to lose their place.

New Man We'll, I don't think I'll bother, thanks. Which is the way out?

Ted Through that door opposite, sir. Collect your certificate on the way out.

New Man My certificate? What for?

Ted This is an IQ test, sir. You were smart enough to leave.