The Infinite Coil

The dirt filled air hit my lungs quickly and without mercy.

My hand hit the cold metal of the door handle with an alarming jolt. I found myself leaning on the wooden frame of the barn, alone except for the slight wink of the stars. Groggily I looked around me, the familiar dirt path lay in front of the decaying building. My footsteps left their mark on it, but I don’t know why I came here.

It had to be sleepwalking, I guess the stress has been getting to me. I’ve done it before, not since I was a kid though. My mom said I had a bad habit of finding the front door and taking unexpected adventures. I should find it stranger I suppose, but at least I ended up somewhere familiar.

This place has always been Emily’s, I think she likes the solitude it offers. I can’t blame her, with how it’s felt at home lately… I’d want to be here too. The barn used to be a once-a-week venture for her, over the last month or two it’s become hours every day. Last time I asked about it, all I got was a shy smile and a head shake so slight it was hard to tell if it was really there. She’ll show me when she’s ready, her works always been important, hell I could never do what an engineer does.

My thoughts were still cloudy, I’ll never get used to waking up from a dead sleep like that. The path led the way for me, I gratefully followed the steps that were carved into the jagged and uneven ground. Patches of dirt surrounded the mediocre job, it was me that did it; no one was surprised by its quality. The stars were slowly giving way to an indescribably beautiful orange skyline. I love watching the sun wake up, maybe I should do this sleepwalking thing every night.

A figure awaited me on the porch ahead, a small frame leaned against the railing of our home. A strained smile escaped my lips, she was a comforting yet pensive sight to behold. I used to love her, with every ounce of me. I couldn’t go a minute without her on my mind, her captivating, warm eyes and enveloping laugh. It wasn’t real though. We got married at eighteen and the ten years since have been… draining to say the least. I think we just outgrew each other, or I outgrew her. The way she’s looking at me right now, I don’t think I could ever tell her that.

“Decided to walk into the sunset without me?” Emily’s voice rang out in the quiet morning. She reached towards me excitedly.

I looked down, shaking off her touch, “I think my sleepwalking stint has returned.”

She looked concerned, “that’s the third night this week, do we need to go see someone?”

“What are they going to do? I’m okay, really. If anything, I’m getting some exercise in.” My smile slipped, “but I keep waking up in the same spot, holding onto the barn back there.”

I don’t think she had any idea what to do with that information, I’m not sure if I did either. The moment was still.

She bit her lip and looked at me. “I have an idea!”

I sat on the porch step and waited; eyebrow raised. This should be good. Her ideas were usually along the lines of ‘Honey lets watch tv.'

“Let’s make today ours, like we used to. We both have the day off, and it could take your mind off whatever you have going on.” Her voice meager, almost disheartened.

Maybe I’ve been too harsh, too quick to anger lately. Emily’s trying, she’s always tried to fix everything, no matter the cost it brought to her. She deserves a day that she feels loved and known. Maybe then I can leave knowing I at least gave her that. I let myself sink into the step, taking a second to think about it.

“Okay” I said quietly, “let me change and we’ll make the day ours.” I could hear the resignation in my voice, but she deserved this.

Twenty minutes later we were in the car, driving to a spot on the beach we used to go to as teenagers. She had changed, a sundress hugged her frame delicately. She really was gorgeous. The sun lit up the morning in a way that put all other scenes to shame. She shined in this light.

We hit the beach in what felt like no time, barely anybody was out. The sand was scattered with few people taking up its space, early risers I suppose. We made our way to the little cove, it lay on the far end, tucked away between the water and the rest of the world. Emily was dragging the basket we had stuffed for the trip; it was full of traditions that eighteen-year-old Emily and Jack made. I smiled at the thought, maybe living through it again would be a nice goodbye.

I lay the blanket out gingerly, pulled out the small breakfast sandwiches from Johnny’s: Deluxe Breakfast and Lunch. Frankly, they were overpriced and tasted like nostalgia and bacon grease, but they were familiar. As we sat on the blanket staring at the sun in all its glory, Emily’s hand grabbed mine. Our fingers interlaced; I have definitely been too hard on her lately.

She looked at me with a sly grin, “race?”

There wasn’t time for a response, she had already started. I ran after, laughter escaping me. I closed my eyes for a moment expecting the water to hit me, but it didn’t come.

There was only the cold metal of the barn door handle. My head snapped up; everything was cloudy. The sun had gone down, and the moon shone in its place.

My knees were pressed into the hard dirt, I could feel it digging into my skin. I looked at my watch, four fifty-five in the morning. I peeled my hand off the handle and started to walk away. Emily would tell me what was going on, I could have sworn the day just started.

Maybe I hit my head? It made sense, she would have taken care of me, and I slept walk when we went to bed again. It’s the only thing that makes sense. The house came into view, her frail figure on the porch.

I tried to walk by her. Everything hurt and I was so tired. Emily opened her mouth to talk but I stopped her before she could start.

“I just want to go to bed, talk about it tomorrow?”

She nodded halfheartedly, “I’ll do you one better, I’ll make breakfast in the morning and give you time to work on your book after. You took a hard fall yesterday, let me take care of you.”

There was an air of finality to her words, but they had good intention. I don’t have the energy to fight anything right now, so I nodded and slid past her. The walk up the stairs was infuriating, every step made too much noise. The darkness of the house enveloped me; the quiet was perfect.

The room was inviting, a bed has never looked so good. I was out before I hit the pillow.

I was woken to the sizzle of bacon hitting a griddle, it’s a special sound and an even better smell. My head still hurt but it was manageable now. I made my way downstairs and peeked my head around the corner to the kitchen. Emily was standing next to it singing softly to herself. She pulled the bacon and eggs off and looked at me warmly.

“You’re just in time, I have coffee ready too.” Her smile was genuine, I couldn’t help but return the favor.

I walked towards her and wrapped my arms around her, she melted into me. I held on for a moment, we weren’t all bad.

“What happened yesterday?” I whispered into her.

She pulled away and led me to the table, “you fell pretty hard, you didn’t tell me what you were going to do, but I brought you back and watched to make sure it wasn’t a concussion.”

I grabbed her hand and ran my thumb over its crevices, “thank you.”

I may be leaving, but she deserves a good day, one to remember me by.

“You wanna go on a walk?” I asked as we finished up breakfast.

She smiled, an elegant, gorgeous smile, “always.”

We changed, grabbed our water bottles and went up the trail next to our house. It wasn’t an impressive one, there aren’t exactly trees to spare here, but we used to hike it regularly. In the beginning we did everything together; we would pass the days with random adventures until we collapsed. Now we sit on the couch and let ourselves waste away.

The sunrise was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. It almost looked familiar, like I’d seen it before somewhere. I know we see the sun every day, but there’s something special about this skyline. I shook the thought off and grabbed Emily’s hand.

The heat was excessive, I didn’t’ necessarily want to be out here today, but some experiences are worth enduring.

I remember on our previous hikes Emily had to touch every big rock we passed, I hated it. I hated it then and I hate it now. I guess it can be endearing some days, she can be endearing some days. Today has to be good, my feelings aside, today is about her. As my thoughts race, I see her hand out of the corner of my eye flittering on the rocks.

We reach the top of the hill, the perfect spot to enjoy the small view it offers. I look at her and for a second our eyes lock. I close mine and lean in, ready for the feeling of her lips against mine.

I hit the metal hard. My head whipped back against the door and the pain was immediate. My eyes opened slowly, the barn. My hand was on the door handle, my head still reverberating from hitting the wall. Why was I here? It was nighttime, the moon seemed all too close and the stars too bright.

I can’t seem to stop coming here. Maybe I should go inside, just once. Its Emily’s private space, it would be wrong to intrude on that.

It was hard to think past the quickly forming migraine, but I knew I had to see what was inside. I wouldn’t look at the files or her work, honestly, I’m not sure what I’m looking for.

I turned the heavy metal handle, a click followed. Locked.

There’s a tree we used to sit at when I was reconstructing the barn for her, I carved a hole into it to hide extra keys. Emily’s the forgetful type, it’s been useful too many times to count now. I headed towards the tree and picked the mechanism, a small key dangled out.

I took a trembling breath and put it in the lock. The click turned into a loud THUNK. Immediately footsteps ran behind me, I only got a peek before the door clanged shut. A machine was whirring inside, looming. It’s all I could see before Emily tackled me.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered. Her shaky hand pressed a small red button on a remote I didn’t know she had. Everything turned dark.

I lifted my head groggily. My hand was on the barn door handle, knees pressed into the dirt. What was I doing here?